I am Broken,
But not Forgotten!
I am broken! I have a broken body, though not obvious to the critical and naked eye, that is encased within the remnants of this cold, broken, diseased body that is decaying away. I have a broken and tarnished mind that oftentimes backfires, leaving me unconscious, while melting down without any forewarning. I have a broken and bleeding heart, so raw from all the constant jeers and tattered affliction, I have no idea how much longer it will sustain itself. I have a broken life that supports nothing but a hot mess and chaos that easily destroys everyone in its path, similar to the power coming from an F5 tornado. I have broken relationships so shattered, they’re forcing my early demise due to the torturing and exhausting attempts at reconciliation. I am broken!!!
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall,
How do I again Enthrall?
Once so Lovely and Often told Bubbly,
Where were you during the Fall?
The image of the reflection before you haunts and tortures your exhausted mind as you take yet another closeup look at what life and brokenness has done to the innocent girl looking back at you. Right before the weakened heart’s palpitations drop you to the floor, this broken girl hears a gentle voice of loving reassurance proclaiming, “I Am Who I Am” (Exodus 3:14)! I have promised you restoration so never forget that “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill” (Numbers 23:19). “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). Wow, what Great Love is that?
God lovingly reassures me to not give up by saying, “Have I not promised you restoration to all things your obedience cost you? Get up, Beautiful Beloved of mine, and walk by faith towards that restoration that you have been trusting and clinging to each and every day of your difficult journey! Welcome to the Promised Land. You almost gave up, but when you heard my voice remind you, `…Though it linger (tarry), wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay’ (Habakkuk 2:3), you held on.”
My heart ponders…
If I am indeed a Beautiful Beloved of the
Kingdom of God,
and I survived what I thought would kill me, doesn’t that mean I should put my crown back on, stand tall, and move forward with the confidence that exudes a
Hmmm… Hello… If that doesn’t swell up your head enough causing you to move (pull and drift) upwards and forward, then I doubt anything would ♥♥).
Life is hard, and right now my life is brutally hard and challenging between the plundering from another life-and-death battleground and the unique balance to support the spiritual, emotional, financial and physical needs of others! How do we hang on and not get buried alive, you know, through the enemy’s flaming arrows, the emotional darts, and the affliction that the enemy relentlessly extends while feeling loved by God?
I know life’s brutally hard. With any battleground we face, when it comes to your own child, this one is hard to let go of the control element. I know this one all too well because my own baby boy (adult son) is battling the disabling and debilitating and demeaning disease of epilepsy as a grown man with a family of his own to raise and support. This mama’s heart is so broken and scared and so filled with fear and grief of the unknown, this one could take me down. Cancer won’t and didn’t along with the worst of the violations that life could throw at one person; but the life of a son, or the torture thereof, has me having to live out my faith while trusting on the One who is loving, caring, and is the author and perfecter of my son’s life. I am clinging to all of Jeremiah 33; the book of God’s promises of restoration.
I know many of us mamas and grandmas out there are raising or living a life constantly on our knees for our children due to salvation, bad decisions, disease, delinquency, drugs, you name it, or even the Prodigal Son Syndrome (that’s me ♥). This mama knows what it’s like to feel inadequate; that you messed up in some way, and that everything that is remotely wrong or challenging in your children’s life is your fault. I do not care how old they get! But you know what, as hard as it is for me to fully believe and hang onto the Lord at times (being honest here ♥), I am hanging on to Psalm 112:7-8 and Psalm 126 because my heart is secure and steadfast on the Lord, having no fear of bad news (yeah, right ♥) and I know the tears I have sowed as I go out weeping will return with songs of joy.
Want even more encouraging and sustaining news, read about the amazing story of Lazarus found in John 11. This is perfect for all of us who believe God is taking too long to heal or doesn’t care. This mama is clinging to John 11:4 which says, “…Jesus said, This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” ♥♥♥
Life can be crippling and fear paralyzing, and some things in life happen that we will never understand this side of heaven; but because of our great faith in the Love that surpasses all knowledge (Ephesians 3:19 and Philippians 4:7), we are able to combat and hang onto the Lord while pressing towards the victory that we know belongs to us; or my son in this case, his precious family, and my precious granddaughter, Princess Ella, the heir to the Ingram throne! And since she has her Grammy Tammy’s sass and spunk, she needs to know and understand the miracles that God can perform and how His love manifests itself throughout life and others! God’s love surpasses all knowledge.
A lot of us are grieving and walking through hard, even torturing, losses right now. Having faith and trust in God not only strengthens and sustains us during our losses and tragedies, but His Love enables us to live the life that He designed; living lives that are peaceful and self-controlled; not freaking out through stress, exhaustion, violence, venting our frustrations and anger onto others, or picking up other vices to calm our scared and hurting hearts. That’s called Love, the “glue” found in 1 John 4:7-21.
Until next time…