When Walking Out Our Faith Hurts Like Hell!

A Mother’s Anguish!

We’ve all had those moments, when God allows you to go through a turbulent storm so violent and fierce, before you could even catch your breath, reload, get back up and stand your ground, you realize you’re smack in the center of a deadly battlefield.  The only ammo left available is to surrender, waving your blood-stained garment.  After all, God did say He would carry you, sustain you, and rescue you, right (Isaiah 46:4)? 

What does that look like when one is surrounded by disease, rage, abuse, drugs, alcohol, mental illness, familial strongholds, financial issues, and lack of strength to continue trudging through the quicksand that is swallowing you up as you blindly feel for the burrow in the swampland?

Sadly, most of us have endured those moments when we’ve walked through what we knew and believed would kill us when God suddenly appears announcing midstream, “Well done, Beautiful Beloved, see how you’ve grown?  I know you’re scared and you’re hurt and I understand the pain of letting go of loved ones; but put your crown back on, stand tall, and move forward like the queen you are!”  You don’t need to navigate through old terrain; it’s God’s battle now! 

Let’s face it, it’s hard to remember and to apply scripture to our lives while we’re walking out our faith claiming a victory that is restorative and encouraging which is found in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 that says to be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus, especially when we are not seeing any answer!

It wasn’t until I started sharing my fears, delirium and agony in trying to walk out my faith as a mother through these tragedies afflicting my son and his family did I become painfully aware that God was allowing this trial for a sundry of reasons, most of which I had absolutely no clue whatsoever (or care and attitude to admit); but with special significance to show me the growth brought on through my very own transformation.  We can only sever genetic dysfunction in the family when we, ourselves, have been healed.  Hello!!!  That’s worthy of praise!

This was one of those seasons when everything seemed to be going wrong and you can’t for the life of your faith figure out how to plow through the quicksand before the swamp consumes you.  Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough or even been told you’re an epic failure?  I have, and those words hurt, stick and mold you in like cement along with the weight and bondage it carries. 

It seems the more you do, the more love you pour out, the harder the verbal assaults attack your heart and mind.  You know those jeers, the ones who constantly judge, ridicule, and attack through condemnation that leech on and suck you dry; those days that leave you so depleted, you have to crawl on your hands and knees and remember, Because you’re full of His Love, you can love as hard as they can throw!!  Home run, baby!!!

Opening your broken heart and your tiny home to others with great physical, emotional, financial and spiritual needs requires more than perseverance; it takes f-a-i-t-h!  You’re a mom and a grandmother, that’s what you do; you love unconditionally, with your every fiber, and you f-o-r-g-i-v-e!  You attempt to do everything humanly possible, except for rip out your bleeding heart and hand it over to those you’re loving on, but when all you receive is the blunt trauma and carnage caused from the blame and shame of all their problems, it’s brutal!  Your intentions are pure, you proudly wear your Mommy Super Hero outfit with an unfathomable faith, so why are you left with nothing but the remnants of a broken heart and battle scars that develop from constantly being on your knees in prayer?  What hidden treasures can possibly be found in the raw, exposed, bleeding wounds of a mother’s pain this side of heaven?  Love ♥♥.

When you love someone with all your heart, soul, body and mind and have done everything you can to save and relieve their pain, it’s hard to get off of your knees knowing you did everything in your power; especially now that your heart is more fractured from the old wounds being ripped back open with no solution to stop the pain.  No matter what anyone says, there’s never a big enough band-aid to stop the bleed of a mother’s heart!

Thankfully, we have a loving God who cares and binds up the wounds of the brokenhearted!  God follows me around with His superglue called Love to miraculously somehow or another in His omniscience mold me back together.  He doesn’t forget any shattered piece as He patiently and intricately puts me back together.  Love is the superglue and hidden treasure found in pain; and since life is but a dance to be shared, the pain and lessons learned through it will forever adhere to the greatest love story (sticky glue) that will stand tall.  Broken, maybe; defeated, nope!  God is faithful in His transformation, and when you finally surrender, that’s when God says loudly, Well done, good and faithful servant…  Come and share your master’s happiness (Matthew 25:21)!  It only took you a few months to accomplish what took you decades before to learn.

Since Jesus was hated and crucified because of His Great Love, we need to try and remember that when we are hard pressed on every side, we are not crushed, perplexed or in despair; and even though we may be persecuted, we are not abandoned; and though we may be struck down, we are not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8-12). 

Jesus withstood this anguish and His character still stands the test of time.  I was courageous enough to crawl and stand back up to the plate after striking out numerous times, and because I want to help others going through similar trials as to what has helped sustain me by cleaving and pressing into God’s promises, I will start sharing my journey that is raw, brutally honest and full of pain when we don’t understand life and all that is thrown at us.  We were never meant to go through it alone and afraid!

Eventually God will say, “Home run.”  It is up to me to continue walking out my faith believing with my head held high and my crown secure, though I fall.  Isn’t that what faith is anyways; belief put into action?

Until next time...