Living With Addiction Day 14 ~ Shame Broken Behavior

Blameless Love

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Shame

The Broken Behavior

Day 14 of 40

The piercing chill arising from a lonely Beloved’s heart who longed to be touched and loved on was no match for the brooding blizzard within.  This Beloved’s desperation found her tears leading her adrift until the chill from an approaching arctic blast forced her to seek shelter in an unexpected tavern occupied by deceptive sojourners. 

Midwest storms were known for their frigid temperatures due to the arctic air that rushes down from the backsides of snowstorms, but this arctic blast was no match for the impending freeze-up that would last for generations to come.

One step into the tavern confirmed that not even the biting chill from the wind outside could be compared with the brokenness existing from the patrons seeking shelter from the storm’s wrath.

With the chill brooding in the Beloved’s broken heart, she found her way to the warmth of the bar.  As she began to sit down, she unwrapped her fur scarf and asked the bartender for a shot of whiskey to diffuse the frigid dampness in the room.

This unraveling of the layers between the clothing and the warmth from the whiskey within announced the Beloved’s beauty that drew attention unlike anything she had ever experienced.  What started out as innocent shelter from the arctic blast led to decisions that would effect many hearts, many families, for many generations to come. 

Two hearts united together by whiskey during an arctic blast should have offered a life leading to marriage with the white picket fence and a couple of kids.  Maybe in a perfect world!  But coming from a tavern of deception…

Hundreds of years ago, living with addiction became predominant.  The stronghold of physical abuse and being subjected to it through control and manipulation bled through to subsequent generations.  There was also infidelity acceptance; this man was married with his own children.

Here is a married, abusive, alcoholic man promising love to a beautiful and desperate Beloved with a broken heart.  An affair ensues, but when the Beloved finds out she is pregnant, she also finds out that the man she gave her heart to is married. 

Back in that era, not only was premarital sex forbidden, but an unwed mother from an adulterous affair would receive ridicule and be forsaken.  This new life that promised new beginnings started a whole new arctic chill and avalanche that would take out and devastate many generations to come.

To me, the birth of a child is a blessing, no matter how it’s conceived.  I cannot imagine the pain associated with living a life filled with lies brought on to cover up an affair!  This child grew up living with the shame brought on from being a byproduct of an adulterous affair and that her parents chose to run and hide to a new area to get married to cover up the shame of the pregnancy and adulterous affair.  May I introduce you to Mr. Shame at his finest hour!

The shame in living with the secret that you are a byproduct of an adulterous affair was destructive.  The damages continue to be the predominant force and stronghold over my family!  This sounds so much like my own life.  How about yours?  The cycle continues.

The shame this Beloved carried kept her locked up in a cell of hell.  She became emotionally absent because she feared that the truth of her blessed inception would be found out.  It created layers of deception and rage throughout the family dynamics because, for one, her father was a womanizer, an alcoholic, and an abusive man drowning in his own misery and alcohol.  We know what scorned women do, but carrying the weight of such shame is unfathomable!

If I could see you today, Beautiful, the Beloved who lived your life through the lens of shame, I would hold your hand and share that being a byproduct of an affair has no reflection on the amazing and loving woman you are.  There is no reason to be ashamed.  You are a blessing to your family, though you may not hear the gentle whispers of love and affirmation through the concealment in your cell of hell. 

Your children still arise and call you blessed because of all the love you poured into them with the best of your ability battling depression and shame.  Even though your heart may be severely tattered from all the hell you lived through for so many years underneath the weight of torment, I get it.  I wish I could erase and pull out all that pain to spring new life from your heaviness due to carrying and hiding from this family secret that has no bearing on you.

I want to say thank you for blessing me with your unique and valuable gifts of love and compassion for others, intelligence, style and sophistication that will continue to live on through many generations.  I am proud to carry your DNA.  I love you like so many do.  That barrier that was built because of shame that robbed you of a life filled with peace and fulfillment, it’s coming down in the name of Jesus Christ!

Beautiful Beloved, you are forgiven.  Just ask!  You are so loved and precious!  Your life leaves a legacy for the beginnings of severing this stronghold of living with addiction!  I love you.  This stronghold deliverance belongs to the Lord!  Jesus has the key and He has unlocked the ball and chains that have held us all captive for so many generations.  Rejoice, your life has meaning!  We have come for a time such as this; our legacies leave love, strength and deliverance!  Love covers all!

Until next time…


Living With Addiction Day 13 ~ Shame

Blameless Beach Peace 2

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Depression


Day 13 of 40

So what else contributed to this California beach girl who presumably had it all, you know, looks, brains, and popularity, to end her own life by driving off a cliff after repeated failed attempts?  Was it another he?  Well…  Shame is his name and his game!

Suicide and depression are just the underbellies of this beast called shame, especially when there’s a controlling link and lineage in living with addiction.

What is shame?  Webster’s definition states shame as “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety”; but more importantly, it’s “a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute.”  Aaahhhhh… that not being trusted because of humiliation or respected by others that disrepute claims.  Isn’t that the “What-would-people-say-if-they-found-out syndrome?” 

Kind of like the aftermath:  Run, hide, cover it up so no one will find out.  Throw those skeletal remains into the closet and slam it shut, making sure to lock it with bolt and key.  Afterwards, run down to the river and throw the key into the deepest part of the raging current and never mention it again!  Cover-up is essential, no matter the cost!  The shadows of darkness…

What kind of life is that?  Shame had reared its ugly head for far too long in my life and my family’s lineage.  That Persona of Perfection!  Reiteration of why my addictive behaviors and chronic symptomatology of depression and suicidal tendencies were overlooked combined with the humiliation from driving off the cliff being swept underneath the rug, so to speak, never to be spoken of again unless controlling reminders of the darkened shadow emerged.

I get it!  I mean, I own up to my own choices and behaviors and I have taken complete ownership of what transpired.  That’s why I’ve never stopped working to get to the core of what has held my family captive of such darkness since the Lord healed me of my depression.  I am completely aware of this problem and I want these dysfunctional strongholds severed.

In raising my own sons who did things at times that made me cringe and brought humiliation; the cycle of shame continued by running and hiding for shelter to get rid of the evidence, you know, those skeletal remains, except for tackling the truth and reason for the problem. 

Pride, denial, S-H-A-M-E!  That was my comfort zone, familiar go-to, spend exhausting chunks of time covering it up instead of finding a solution for severance because that’s what I knew and my choices and decisions reflected that.

The amount of time we waste on covering up our mistakes, our true lives, our decisions and choices, rob us of the life that God intended for us to live.  I think about all the shame I carried throughout my life and will always be working on my own junk so I can be the best Beloved that God designed me to be. 

That shame did not stop ruling me once I became healed of my depression.  In fact, it grew!  That shame just announced more profoundly the worth and value I placed on the wrong sources of identity; marriage, beauty, family, career, prestige, social status, you name it!

This Shame Game led me to stay in relationships and environments that were unhealthy, yet familiar, with addiction running rampant through control and abuse day in and day out.

Remember how I mentioned before how addictive behaviors are a magnet for destruction?  That chaos that spins the web of destruction in abusive relationships is by far the hardest battle to survive and break free from.  My body cringes and shutters when I’m reminded of what I allowed in my life; chaos, addiction, abuse, infidelity, betrayal; it goes on!

Shame is like an article of clothing we put on everyday so we’re not naked and exposed!  Unless we realize how natural and controlling it is over our lives, we’ll never truly understand what the cycle of living with addiction involves.

Tomorrow I will share a Story of Shame that has not only effected many generations of Beloveds negatively through shame, but it robbed the most amazing and beautiful woman (whom I’m honored and proud to be a genetic part of ) of the life God created and designed her to have. 

She lived underneath the Veil of Shame and curse of what addiction robs without embracing her beauty, charm, intelligence and persona of style and sophistication.  She received her life as a curse to carry in shame and secret instead of embracing the beautiful woman she truly was!  I was saddened to find out how a life was lived behind closed doors!

Until next time…


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