Author Archives: tammyingram7

About tammyingram7

Beloved daughter of Almighty God determined to leave a legacy of love through the realm of advocacy in being a "Voice" for those who have lost theirs through the imprisonment of abuse, abandonment, addiction, neglect and violence all in the name of Jesus. The way I see it, there is no shame in our game; Jesus is His name! I love the Lord with all my heart and soul and want to help other beloveds cleave to and press into the Lord to know what it's like to be truly loved! The worth and value is overwhelming; be-loved and be-valued and be-healed! This is why I started a religious 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization called Blameless and Forever Free Ministries. Bringing unity within our communities through relationships and outreach events is just as important to me as sharing the love of Christ with women; which is why I designated Tuesdays to Tammy Tangent Tuesdays. These are weekly challenges to stimulate community involvement and to bring unity within! Received my B.S. in Religion, with a minor in church ministries, and forever working towards my Master's of Divinity! And I'm Grammy Tammy; doing everything backwards! :-)

Giving God The Right To Direct Our Lives!

I will trust Him along the way.  I may stomp and pout, but I’ll give Him elbow room so He can pull it off perfectly!

Gotta let go to know…

Hi friends and family!  When you’re in a dilemma or wanting to do something B-I-G (understatement) and everyone seems to be a naysayer, who or what is your go-to? 

Where do you usually turn?

I used to go directly to my friends FIRST because I value their opinion.  But there’s good reason the Lord cautions us to go to Him first and discuss the matter.  With our friends being so much like us, they’ll usually only tell us what we want to hear anyways, or…

I mean, to tell you to invest thousands of dollars more when they think you’re crazy to begin with is a risky event.

sometimes you just have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it

So…  I decided to just put on my big girl panties and walk by faith.

After all, God brought me to such a time as this…

God cares and when we act at the right time, God will use our courage for the purpose He places us in.

I feel our brave men and women who put their lives on the line each and every day should be treated with respect and honor.

When was the last time you told a law enforcement officer how much you appreciated them?

I’m waffling between radical faith and doubt here.  I’m stressing, putting in an extra 20, 30 hours a week of additional work that is not needed, taking away elbow room God might require to bless me with His undeniable supernatural favor.

Having a Plan B, doing EVERYTHING humanly possible, doesn’t require faith or trust.  It’s called CONTROLLING and MANIPULATING the situation!

Why do we doubt and sabotage and cause ourselves anxieties?  That’s the definition of a double-minded, unstable Beloved.  And I don’t want my faith to be tossed to and fro.

Blameless Grab Me By The Bit...

Holy Spirit keeps nudging me about not having to grab me by the bit to redirect my stubborn fits!

We know we’ve got an awesome God when Holy Spirit convicts and speaks to us like He does.  Hee-haw!  Then again, He does know our hearts and minds. He is our Comforter, our Counselor, our BFF!

When we faith the fear, and I’m talking thousands of dollars it will cost if I fail, not to mention the cost of humiliation, solely to give back to those who do so much for us, it’s scary not knowing if you’re going to get enough donations to make it happen. 

With over 500 tickets requested from just a few law enforcement agencies, and requests are still pouring in, my heart grieves to not be able to fulfill their wishes.  Blessing them with free tickets to their event honoring them is a priviledge!

And here I was led to believe that I was too much to handle?

Ha…

God just reiterates, “I will stay close to you, instructing and guiding you along the pathway for your life.  I will advise you along the way and lead you forth with my eyes as your guide.  So don’t make it difficult; don’t be stubborn when I take you where you’ve not been before.  Don’t make me tug you and pull you along.  Just come with me” (Psalm 32:8-9 TPT).

I love when I stay present.  When I focus on God and not my anxieties, I’m able to see the treasures God places along my path that bring me comfort and confirmation. That’s Papa God’s way of saying, “I see you and love you, Beloved.” 

This plane says “RESCUE” with a missile hole-turned-heart alongside of the aircraft!

That plane needed some pink hearts to speak life into all those bullet holes.

Enough said…

Blameless Rescue...

I laugh as I’m listening to a Joyce Meyer’s sermon as I’m typing this, stressed.  Joyce was saying something like, “If you’re passionate about something and doubt is driving you nuts wanting confirmation (hello), follow your passion, shut up and move forward.” 

I love that woman!

That my life will never be the same; to go up and never stop.

Blameless Go Up and Never Stop

I’ve decided to faith the fear and Go up and never stop!  So 500 tickets it is!

Where God guides, He always provides!

If you would like to partner with me in prayer for abundant favor and provision, maybe even donate, our expectations will deliver, Where God guides, He always provides!

So my nonprofit is not going for 100 tickets dedicated to law enforcement officers and the fallen families, we’re going for 500.

Go up and never stop…

Up, up and away…

After all, God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine…

So I’m giving God the right to direct my life and we’ll watch together!

Blameless Go Up and Never Stop!

Yes, it means that much to me…

Until next time…

Blameless LE Event 2019

 

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Closed, But Still Awesome!

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Closed, But Still Awesome!

Fear Of Missing Out?

Hi family and friends!  I pray your week has been filled with love, lots of laughter and peace that surpasses all knowledge.  Mine has been amazing, but I’m starting to feel the reins of stress tightening and directing quite a mess!

I reluctantly declare, God has to grab me by the bit at times to redirect my stubborn fits!

If you were asked to perform in front of an audience of one, would you?

Better yet, could you without any limelight?

Even if you knew you were guaranteed an encore?

Is it really a fear of missing out or are we just wound up tighter than a tourniquet?

I mean, since the Lord is our hiding place, He will protect us from trouble while surrounding us with songs of deliverance; so… 

God does state He will instruct us and teach us in the way we should go, and counsel us while watching over us…

And when the Lord speaks, sometimes we just have to trust and close up shop until we get it!

And with my schedule, I’m not getting it, so…

After all, I’ve got a couple rather large fundraising events going on simultaneously so maybe my schedule is what is needing an exorcism…

But I hear the Lord speaking to my heart saying, “I will stay close to you, instructing and guiding you along the pathway for your life. I will advise you along the way and lead you forth with my eyes as your guide. So don’t make it difficult, don’t be stubborn when I take you where you’ve not been before. Don’t make me tug you and pull you along. Just come with me” (Psalm 32:8-9 TPT).

I know you’ve seen glimpses of the fragmented pieces of my life lately. With all these opportunities arising and not knowing which ones to grab a hold of and claim, it seems as if I’m making more of a mess being under all this stress.

Can you relate?

And with goodness and His Love following me all the days of my life, it’s time to be still.

As for now, I must focus my energies on my nonprofit and start rebranding while rebuilding another amazing team and my board of directors as we expand into other challenging areas that appear quite foreign and daunting.

And blessings can be funny creatures at times, if we dare be honest.  I know through my own experiences, that the growth in my life required intense stretching that oftentimes left me freaking out when releasing control.  Stretching requires us to reach out into the unknown. 

In order to be everything God has uniquely designed us to be, the next step requires taking a huge leap of faith with sometimes our eyes being closed tight in order to jump and blindly grab a hold of all the amazing things God wants to do in our lives.

Can I hear faith the fear?

And amazingly, this illustrates perfectly the clay in the potter’s hand being formed meticulously beyond anything we could even begin to fathom and/or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

Our God always has more in store.  Our God always has better.  Our God wants to take us from strength to strength and glory to glory.

This is so brutally hard when it requires letting go of something, something that we love, something that is familiar, something that may not even be healthy, but dang, it’s familiar!

Familiarity is as comforting as our old childhood blanket…

We have to release to receive!

We have to release to receive!

We have to let go to know…

We have to let go to know…

What is occupying your space in this race?

If we want and desire greater authority, and I do, along with greater joy, another toy, and far greater experiences, we must cease and desist and let go and no longer resist!

So I’m letting go to know, releasing this stress to receive rest and putting all these hats I’ve been wearing away so I don’t turn into another brat!

Fear of missing out?

Well…

No, I think not.

I know and trust my Lord, so when He says He’s having to grab me by the bit to redirect my stubborn fits because my stress is creating quite a mess, His gentle reminders are alerting me to the fact that He would much rather have me resting, sitting at His feet. This way He can lovingly guide me with His Great Love and wisdom rather than maybe having to discipline me like any loving Father would do at times.

So be gone, stubbornness!

It’s time to carve out more time to sit at my Lord’s feet.

So until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

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Law Enforcement Appreciation Night

Help sponsor law enforcement and their families while raising money for Blameless' programming!

Law Enforcement Appreciation Night

Blameless and Forever Free Ministries is partnering with Sacramento Republic FC on its second annual Law Enforcement Appreciation Night fundraiser!

Hi family and friends! It’s an exciting time for me personally when I get to be involved in events catering to our law enforcement. They don’t get to hear enough encouragement and appreciation these days and now is the time to surround them with praise even more so with the evil running rampant in this world.

I wanted to share what my nonprofit is doing so we can pour more sugar out onto our law enforcement…

Blameless and Forever Free Ministries is partnering with Sacramento Republic FC for its second annual Law Enforcement Appreciation Night fundraising event on October 12, 2019. Kickoff is at 7:30. Tickets are $25.

With Blameless being a charitable nonprofit organization, events like these help support our many programs. Purchasing tickets through Blameless’ fundraising event also includes admittance to the Heroes Cup match on Sunday, the 13th, at 11:00 a.m. with two teams of firefighters v. law enforcement. So stinkin’ exciting!

Come on, girls, that’s a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Blameless prays to buy out an additional section with 100 seats purchased solely to bless our law enforcement officers with free tickets along with honoring the families of our fallen officers.

The energy at this last SAC Republic FC game will be electrifying. Let’s increase the thunder pouring out of heaven as we honor and celebrate law enforcement!

Would you kindly commit to supporting Blameless and Forever Free Ministries by purchasing your own game tickets through our fundraiser? Tickets are $25 and also include the Heroes Cup match on the 13th.

If you so choose, you can commit to supporting our law enforcement by purchasing maybe four or five additional tickets strictly for law enforcement which are 100% tax deductible and then challenge other friends, family and businesses to follow suit.

Together we can help initiate peace and start restoring unity back into our communities by supporting and rallying around our law enforcement. What a perfect opportunity to say thank you for all they do.

Help support local law enforcement officers and their families while raising money for Blameless’ programming!

For further information, don’t hesitate to call or email.  You can go directly onto Blameless’ nonprofit organization page by clicking here Blameless.

If you pay through Paypal, please indicate whether the tickets and/or donations are being utilized for law enforcement or you would like your own digital ticket for attending both games.

Thank you for your gift of generosity!

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

Help Sponsor law enforcement and their families while raising money for Blameless' programming!

Clothing Ourselves This Labor Day With The Goodness And Love Of God!

Psalm 23:6, Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Clothing Ourselves This Labor Day With The Goodness And Love Of God!

Happy Labor Day, Friends and Family!  Are you celebrating Labor Day on the lake boating and skiing?

Oh, how my kids and I spent many fun-filled times on Folsom Lake.

Maybe your day was filled with great sales and shopping?

Hello…

Who doesn’t love retail therapy? 

How about a day filled with family and friends celebrating while barbecuing after the annual Labor Day parade?

I celebrated with a bike ride in Squaw Valley/Lake Tahoe and felt as young as my granddaughter.

Blameless' Founder, Grammy Tammy

Admittedly, I never realized the significance of Labor Day beyond being a much-needed three-day weekend announcing the demise of summer, hot dogs and wearing white. 

Then again, who follows trends?

White is ALWAYS right!!!

Interestingly enough, Labor Day started as part of a worker’s labor union movement. Labor Day pays tribute to the achievements and contributions of the American men and women in the workforce.  Around the 19th century, many U.S. workers were working twelve hours a day, seven days a week making barely enough to get by.

Those were not the good ‘ole days

Blameless Isaiah 40:8, The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.

Due to poor working conditions and to compel employers to renegotiate better pay and hours, around 10,000 bold and courageous workers decided to take essential unpaid time off from work and march in awareness and protest from City Hall to Union Square in New York City, holding the first U.S. Labor Day parade! 

Their endeavors weren’t immediately reciprocated or without cost, including deaths and destruction due to riots, but I have so much more appreciation understanding this great cost. Change always costs someone or something.

Embracing God’s amazing grace is the essential key in running this race victoriously.

And yet with another deadly mass shooting in Texas this past week, celebrations seem futile when there are so many hurting, suffering and grieving beloveds who have lost loved ones due to evil and in need of strength and compassion.

Topped with this tormenting hurricane, Hurricane Dorian, layered with its imminent destruction leaving hearts completely exposed and tattered due to the sting of chaos and opposition, lives are surviving in crisis mode.

Talk about a breeding ground making people more stressed and even crazier!

A heart can only take so much…

This season of threat being in constant limbo not knowing where, when and how to evacuate, or to even find a place of safe refuge these days, we have a lot of hurting and scared people. Going through catastrophic events exposes many needs requiring everyone’s help and patience.

Blameless No Longer A Slave To Fear

Admittedly, last week I was full of woe and worry for my own family. This week I am filled with gratitude and determination to make a difference in the lives of so many hurting beloveds because God filled my own bleeding heart with His word. 

I hear the Lord saying to all of us, “I will stay close to you, instructing and guiding you along the pathway for your life. I will advise you along the way and lead you forth with my eyes as your guide. So don’t make it difficult; don’t be stubborn when I take you where you’ve not been before. Don’t make me tug you and pull you along. Just come with me!”

Psalm 32:8-9 TPT

God oftentimes has to often grab us by the bit to redirect our stubborn fits.

So in order to eliminate the terrible duo of fear and loss, I don’t know about you, but I believe working together with human kindness through God’s love and goodness is a great start. 

Colossians 3:12 reminds us to start each day as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothed with compassion and kindness, to name just a few.  The only way we can be dressed with compassion and kindness is to layer these virtues with His Great Love.  Love holds these virtues into place like glue.  When we let Love guide our life, the peace of Christ will rule in our tender hearts. 

Hurt, healed, ready to help. Ask and you shall receive!

Love Is The Glue Holding Compassion and Kindness In Place

People are fearful and need someone to help bridge the gap between chaos and peace. Without love, none of this can be accomplished. God’s kind of love is not a feeling, it’s an action that moves forward. God’s Great Love is selfless, requiring us to love whether we feel like it or not. 

Where there’s sorrow, a sign of God’s Great Love is to show compassion.  Where there is malice, kindness flows from the love that exists in our hearts. Where there is hate and bitterness, love remains long after words of assassination and is not easily irritated or quick to take offense.

Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others (1 Corinthians 13:7 TPT).

Letting God’s Great Love Guide Our Lives

Allowing God’s Great Love to guide our lives through human kindness offers freedom. Laying down one’s life to act as a bridge so another beloved who is filled with fear and loss can walk safely over to the other side where love and kindness can comfort. That’s what Jesus would do and did for mankind.

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

Permission To Serve Without Reserve?

Blameless Helping Hands

Choosing To…

Serve Without Reserve!

When feeling unwanted, not cared for, unloved and forgotten by everyone…

I may not know you personally, but one thing I do know: You have been badly hurt in your life. You have heard words that have assaulted, even stung.  Words filled with hate and lies that you just can’t deny or shake off!  People have said and done mean and damaging things to you.

However, beloved, your past does not define you!

My heart pours into yours being a sister in Christ filled with compassion and understanding. You may not hear just how radiant and valuable you are, but you are! Your life does matter and the world needs what only you possess.  I appreciate how precious you are and everything you’ve taught me.

Thank you for teaching me how important God’s Great Love is!

As I turned the corner, our eyes met up; yours filled with shame, mine filled with joy and delight. You see, God answered my prayers. Your life means more to me than we dare to understand. I get you because I’ve been there. Felt that! Lived that!

God doesn’t want you crawling back into your shell. God wants to pour love into you and breathe life back into your dry bones. His Great Love! Our paths crossed so you might understand somebody sees you and that you’re not alone. You are being offered warmth and acknowledgement from a heart filled with love and compassion.

I understand it’s hard to trust others when you’ve been rejected, but grab a hold of the loving hand extended. You don’t have to hide any longer in fear or rejection. You no longer have to invite people into the inner parts of your heart that offer more sabotage and seduction than support just to exist.

Blameless Fear Not Isaiah 41.10

I may have never been homeless living on the streets, but I was just a paycheck away from it for many terrifying years being a single parent. We relate because I have lived through the chaos and poor decisions leading up to homelessness. I’ve experienced what it’s like being alone and abandoned.

God has placed people along your path who will treat your heart with care.

Understanding what hopelessness and paralyzing fear does to a beloved through attacking thoughts of not being enough and the shame that accompanies those lies is intense.

Beloved, there’s no shame in our game; Jesus is His Name! Nothing you did cannot be forgiven. Receive the forgiveness as a strength, not a weakness.

God promises double for your trouble (shame) in Isaiah 61:7!

When we embraced, I could feel your desperate hold due to fear that turned cold. You shivered and hung onto me like an addict needing her fix. You grasped for air as your face was buried into my chest with tears that drowned and overwhelmed your soul. I am forever dressed in your tears that permeated my own soul.

Your hopelessness mirrors the darkness that exists due to a few bad choices and decisions. We all make mistakes. God will turn your ashes (pain and mistakes) into beauty if you will let go and learn from Him through them. 

Blameless Psalm 37.23

God wants us to run this race victoriously all the way to and through the finish line. He fights for us by sending support from others who will speak words of life, love and encouragement. A new family! ♥♥♥

Embracing God’s amazing grace offers us hope by guiding us out of the darkness with His strength. You don’t have to go at it alone. That’s why He crosses our paths with other beloveds. That’s the light that will help guide you out of your darkness!

Blameless Light Of Your Love

I am trying to love and emulate what Mother Teresa said about giving: “It is not about how much we give, but about how much love we put into giving.

I don’t understand why we’re so reluctant to reach out and extend a helping hand to those who are in need, but maybe it’s just fear.

I admit, there are times when I encounter others in need and I act like I’m blinded to it. I either don’t want to be inconvenienced or feel what little I have to offer really wouldn’t help much. Truth be told, that’s a sinful act of omission; failing to reach out and do good by helping another. 

Ouch!

Jesus commanded us to be on the lookout for such needs by showing compassion and pity without expecting anything in return. 1 John 3:17 says, “If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?”

Serve Without Reserve

At least you looked at me and we shared a smile!

I wish we could bottle up all the love and grace that is extended to us before it disappears. I’m praying many others will choose to mirror the kingdom of God this side of heaven through choosing to serve without reserve.

Give Until It Hurts

When we help others, we live out what Winston Churchill said, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

Sitting In A Pool Of Humiliation!

Sitting In A Pool of Humiliation…

What’s A Girl To Do?

I was mortified.

No, humiliated!

With insecurities running rampant with blatant battle scars due to disease, gravity and CELLULITE, here I sit in a pool of humiliation.

I don’t know what was worse, the comparison of THEIR BODIES or to the cellulite tucked securely underneath my assets.

For the record, WE ALL HAVE CELLULITE, somewhere!

Being on a crowded beach, it’s hard not to overhear body shaming jeers tapping into my own fears and triggering insecurities from a lively group of young beauties. Between their destructive comments by body shaming to their games in casting blame, one thing was apparent: They spent more time comparing and competing and criticizing than celebrating life and having fun.

What is it about us beloveds spending time engaged in conversations filled with nothing but comparisons, criticism and competition, instead of celebrating each other and our lives?

Why can’t we just be, imperfections and all, instead of the superficial boasting of lies that the enemy uses to kill, steal and destroy?

The enemy doesn’t need to do much these days; hate because of jealousy and our own insecurities has become the norm!

Admittedly, I’m older and much wiser now being Grammy Tammy, but due to my own battle scars, insecurities and imperfections, I was feeling a bit envious and insecure myself because I no longer possess that youthful appearance equipped with smooth skin and a sculpted body made of muscle tone over bone.

To Everyone Wishing They Were Someone Else,

The World Needs You To Be Your Beautiful and Unique Self!

We all want to be seen and heard.

I get that; I’m no exception to that rule!

We all want to believe that we’re loved and valued.

And we are! 

So why do we label and tear down others that are different than us?  Why does body shaming others make us feel better?

It distracts from our own many imperfections and insecurities.

But at what cost?

Why do we size each other up before we even get to know what’s below the facade? 

Why do we compete for larger breasts and massive pecs?

There’s beauty and significant value underneath all this.

I spent years wasting my own youthful beauty instead of enjoying it.

The girls hated me and the boys were afraid of me! 

Talk about stepping stones leading to strongholds of insecurities and destruction of any self-worth and value. 

My body had to be rail thin. In fact, at my old height of 5’11”, I weighed in at 135 pounds, wore a size 3, and I was considered three pounds overweight for my modeling. 

Talk about creating a body image battleground at its finest hour. 

God forbid to be caught dead in a bikini three pounds overweight at a size 3???

No fun for today!

We’d rather sulk behind our screens instead of being present and do our damnest to secure that perfect selfie to show everyone just how amazing we are.

And we are; we don’t have to prove anything!

How many times have you stayed home from fun activities because you didn’t feel you measured up, looked right, were bloated or flat-out humiliated?

Unfortunately, I missed out on a lot because of it.

We have been taught to be something we’re not instead of embracing who God designed us to be and the beauty that radiates within. 

I lost out on a lot of fun due to bad hair days, zits, PMS, bloating and flat-out insecurities. Today, cellulite and all, gravity, wiggly-giggly, I try not to allow my vanity and/or insecurities rob me of fun, friendships, family and my favorite foods.

 

Being beautiful has nothing to do with looks. It’s how you are as a person and how you make others feel about themselves.

That’s how we’re going to be remembered; not our selfies, perfect bodies and silky skin.

We all have imperfections. We all are uniquely designed with qualities that only WE POSSESS! God designed us to be the only person with our unique qualities.  

You are beautiful just the way you are!

Now that’s something to embrace and celebrate and be confident about while walking it out!

When I was the “perfect 10” by society’s standards, educated model with it all, I hated everything about myself and even tried to destroy it.  I didn’t feel I belonged or fit in. I wanted to be noticed and loved. And yet, with that yearning to be “somebody” at any cost, I was willing to destroy it through suicide in order to be sculpted into something else society deemed worthy of love. 

That is when God proclaimed that He was the sculptor, the Divine Creator, and He created THIS masterpiece and work of art who was already beautiful.

Why is it when we have straight hair, we want curly hair? When we have dark hair, we want blonde hair?

Let’s celebrate embracing and accepting each other, every color and culture, our bodies, our beauty, our value and uniqueness, and our CELLULITE!

No more running and hiding from our beautiful selves. No more apologizing for who we are. Let’s embrace the uniqueness that no one else has except for us.

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What’s a girl to do?

Have fun! Once I left my pool of humiliation, those that once criticized me, loved me and my CELLULITE!

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

I’ll Hold You As Long As It Takes…

I’ll Hold You As Long As It Takes…

I stood there shocked in disbelief. Every single one of the doctor’s words spoken were unintelligible, framed in slow-motioned lip slices to this mama’s hemorrhaging heart.

When our world turns upside down AND implodes!

Hearing tragic news literally jolts your world. It scars and cuts like a knife. It shakes and rocks your world more violent than a 7.5 earthquake.

The doctor’s rushed encounter causes sheer terror. Extreme panic and shock sets in. Only divine and supernatural intervention can restore.

Your hands cup the disbelief along with salty tears released from the ducts of Hoover Dam. You collapse to the ground because your weight becomes too much to bear by yourself. 

As your body folds onto the cold cement floor of the E.R. doorway, your focus zooms to the feet scurrying by and the relentless, torturing, alarm sounds going off from medical devices sustaining lives triggering major PTSD.

Code Blue, Room 2!

The coolness from the floor can’t compete with what’s burning through your heart and mind.  The branding sears, “Code Blue, Room 2; Code Blue, Room 2.”

My mind races back 25 years as I cradle this beautiful blue-eyed baby boy with the sweetest white hair that I spiked up like Bart Simpson.

The joy this mama’s heart pondered hearing what a beautiful baby he was from those passing by; though their initial reactions were that he was a girl because he was such a beautiful porcelain-skinned doll. It didn’t matter, he was my beautiful baby.  He was God’s medical miracle.

Cradling him back and forth became a coping mechanism that would offer him comfort throughout his life.

Setting them free…

My beautiful blessings

Miracles…

I wish I could go back and hold him forever as I squish and caress his porky feet.

Only us mamas can appreciate our infatuations with our children’s feet.

Dislike feet?  Stinky and gross?

Me, too.  That is, until I gave birth to my children.

Suddenly two feet layered in Red Wings and blue slip covers slide into my uncharted pool of tears. I’m agitated because they’re occupying my “personal space,” even though I lay dormant on the hospital’s floor. 

After hearing repeated “Ma’ams,” this fully bearded, piercing dark eyes and haired man wearing a white kippah squats down and squares me right in the face. His lips begin to move, but I can no longer make sense of anything after the explosion of tragedy hit my brain.

I laid there comatose until his physical touch stroking my hair away from my face did my senses start to re-emerge.

He offers to help me up, but due to the paralysis from all the fear and dread and the lack of courage to face reality, he scoops me up into his arms instead and pulls me out of the deadly traffic jam in front of Trauma Room 2.

No sooner than hearing the beat of another’s heart, my eyes fell laser-focused onto the huge lifeless squishy feet hanging over the hospital gurney as many doctors and nurses were performing CPR, inserting tubes and IV’s into my lifeless blue son.

The adrenaline from the broken heart leaped me out of the chaplain’s arms and off the floor as loud battle cries from heaven wailed, causing the medical team to pull the curtain closed.

The chaplain catches me again, pulling me away from the room.

When your visualization is a lifeless baby boy, who may be 6’5″, but who is blue and not responding to medical attention being rendered, your eyes and mind focus intuitively on what’s outside the drawn curtain for survival. 

You frame each second onto the surroundings; his blood on the floor, the fluid bags and needle wrappings and the horrible sounds coming from the trauma team who is now holding your baby boy as long as it takes.

God’s Great Love reaches down to hold me tight through this amazing Jewish Chaplain named Joe. God comforts me through Joe saying, “I’ll hold you as long as it takes” along with scripture from Deuteronomy 31:6:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

God was faithful in sustaining me. His words are branded forever in my heart and mind, “I’ll hold you as long as it takes.”

And through a life that’s cleaved to those beautiful words, even when there hasn’t been an expected and good ending, I trust my Father God to pick me up and carry me through every tragedy and loss that comes my way.

As far as this 6’5″ baby boy, his striking blue eyes still pierce this mama’s heart with love and strong, yet tender, hugs. This day ended well!

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!