Tag Archives: #breakthroughs

Living With Addiction † Breaking Free From Captivity Day 22 of 40

Blameless Breaking Free 2

Living With Addiction

Breaking Free From Captivity

† Freedom to be You and Me †

Day 22 of 40

A child’s innocence stolen!  Through no fault of their own, the child is thrust into an environment that is anything conducive to behaviors worth emulating, much less a world that any adult should walk through or be subjected to.  The vantage point being projected through the naive lens of a child is one of sheer horror and gore.

For the precious, innocent child, being left alone to process the effects brought on from rage and abuse in living with addiction, they are victimized and stripped of all protection and innocence.  Their only hope for survival is through denial.  Denial will become their stable reality.  They will learn that the only way to handle fear is through the fight-and-flight response.

The child immediately employs protection from the construction crew of fear.  With no one to offer consolation and a warm embrace, the child’s fear factor instinctively and subconsciously constructs a safe haven.  This safe haven consists of walls and barriers intended to protect the child as they hide and cradle behind all the emotional scars brought on from the lack of parental protection and emotional stability.  Abandonment is a fierce enemy when a child’s heart is unprotected!

The only rocking this child receives is in the drawing up of one’s knees tightly to their chests with their t-shirts pulled over down to their feet as a means for capturing needed warmth and protection.  They rock back and forth in their cocooned state to pacify and console their anxieties caused from living in a violent environment.  Constant crocodile tears flow from the child’s tender face saturating their t-shirt that once offered warmth now leaving the child cold due to the dampness caused from the chill in the air.

Because of the child’s innocence and naivety, these walls they’ve constructed around their tender and bleeding hearts for protection from others do nothing but hinder their reality as to what life is like in the healthy behaviors that exist on the other side of the wall.  Their barriers teach nothing but emotional isolation, though understandable.  This emotional isolation leads to a lack of self-worth riddled with insecurities and identity crises.

As the child attempts to climb up on his own to catch a glimpse of what God says is on the other side of the wall offering freedom, the child is troubled and confused by what they see.  There is peace without chaos and violence.  Their skewed perception developed from fear clouds the warm invitation and the comforts offered through what the safety of the environment promises. 

The child hesitates and exhausts themselves emotionally to climb over.  Without a friend or parent’s hand to grab ahold of to help them safely over the wall, the exhaustion sets in from battling the fear of the unknown alone.  This fear contributes to the child slipping, allowing the barbwire on top off the wall to grab ahold of their flesh, causing even greater physical and emotional pain.

The child is forced to reside in the lonely, cold and dark places they’ve created to protect themselves from the dark and violent world they were running from until they scurry up enough strength to attempt their breakthrough again.  Light and warmth arouses their curiosity.  Children may be resilient, but what kind of entanglement will their imprisonment bring until exhaustion sets back in?  Is this how we are leaving future generations instead of equipping them?

The child repeatedly attempts to no prevail.  Each attempt leaves the child numb and desensitized to the pain being caused from each laceration delivered from being held captive in the entanglement of the barbwire.  The child wants rescued.  This child is alone and does not have any guidance how to tackle this bondage victoriously.  No one is walking alongside of them or extending a hand of help.  Everyone just looks the other way.  They want help, but no one is offering.  Why are we a society who gives up too quickly and would rather cast the blame and responsibility onto somebody else?

With no one encouraging the child to try again or in a different way, the child becomes so weak and delirious, bad decisions are made.  The child’s last futile attempt to break free from the entangled mess offers nothing but resolution to just survive instead of thrive in this painful cocoon and environment.  Every future move that child will make will cause great bodily injury, to themselves and/or others.  Where does this cycle of abuse end?

Children do not know how to handle adult problems and should never be a part of or witness, whether abusive or not.  Children need to be protected.  When parents are at war dealing with their own emotional battle scars of abuse and addiction, this only further aids in casting the frightened and innocent child into a scary world all alone due to being wrapped up in the remains and captivity of fear and isolation.  But there is hope!

How does one go from abhor to restore?  Love versus fear!  Faith versus fear!  How does that look when the victim is both the child and adult and owning up to one’s responsibility as a parent in allowing my precious cubs to be subjected to this ugly world in living with addiction and abuse?  Fear kept me in bondage as a victim and yet Love was calling me to freedom.

Faith versus fear, how would you react?  Breaking free is a risk.  Is freedom worth it?  My fear’s captivity and insecurities led me paralyzed, unable to escape the bondage and have self-control with trust and freedom.  How could I teach and equip my children to walk in freedom outside the generational walls of living with addiction and abuse when I was too cowardly to break free myself?

Enjoy listening to the lyrics that speak so loudly and profoundly to this very subject in “I’ll Keep On” by Jeremiah Carlson.

Until next time…

 

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Living With Addiction Day 19 ~ Broken Behaviors of Abuse

Blameless Freedom

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Shame

Broken Behaviors of Abuse

Day 19 of 40

The Beautiful Mandisa sings, “There’s freedom on the other side of things that keep us tied up and afraid.  There’s hope in every situation no matter what you’re facing every day.  But it’s up to you, you get to choose.  I’m walking, living, breathing proof.  The Father is waiting there with open arms” in Dear JohnOh, how He loves us!!!

Beautiful lyrics to hold onto!  People will more than likely hurt us, that’s life and there’s absolutely no way to escape or avoid it.  In fact, I know this kind of pain myself all too well, but we don’t have to let it hold us captive in our prisons of anger, fear and bitterness.  The beauty that God brings from our ashes of mourning is worthy of sharing.  Broken lives can be put back together.

God’s Word is not what many perceive as a list of do’s and don’ts.  It’s a love letter announcing the freedom we achieve when we believe.  There’s no record of any of our imperfections or faults.  It’s all erased and it’s been forgiven.  The Bible shares why God sacrificed it all and gave us His son, Jesus Christ, to pay the price for it all.  He loves us just the way we are and is awaiting for us to open up our hearts and receive Him!

Can you hear me singing?  These words penned and sing are especially dedicated to all my violators who have ever afflicted any injury to my person; emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and sexually! 

How can a woman who has been violated in such a way that has been battered, stalked, abused, bruised, robbed, betrayed, amongst many others not worthy of listing, forgive, open up her heart, and walk proudly and confidently knowing where her worth comes from?  It’s called H-O-P-E!!! 

How have I survived, thrived, and stayed alive during such torment instead of understanding what a scorned woman does?  His name is Jesus Christ and the hope He promises when we believe and act out our faith!  I’m a friend of God and I know Him and love Him.

I also know and believe in the resurrection of God’s son, Jesus Christ, so I know what I can trust and what I cannot!  I know that His love is greater than any pain I could ever endure. 

There is beauty everywhere, more beauty than tragedy, and that is what I choose to hold onto and can because of the redemption of my pain!

Psalm 34:4-8 sums it up perfectly to describe my deliverance:  “I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”  This poor woman called, and the Lord heard her; He saved her out of all her troubles.  “The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them.  Taste and see that the Lord is good”; blessed are those who take refuge in Him.

Martinis were their name, Cocky Bull was its game.  What started out as a typical night two-stepping at the local country bar holding our fame whereas not to be lame led to too many martinis and an uninvited guest into our sacred bed that was meant just to be shared between a husband and his bride.  This uninvited guest called my best friend at the time felt the need to sliver in through the midnight shadow and rob what was mine to begin with; my husband. 

After tending to the crying baby and hearing whispers filled with eerie secretive sounds, the only thing I heard loud and clear was my heart imploding as my bestfriend justified her actions in sharing how she had been in love with my husband since the first time she met him.  Excuse me???  That’s betrayal at her finest hour!  Now you might understand why I’ve said I’ll take any physical blow to the head than the pain caused from emotional trauma!

This shame I carried for years is being related for the sole purpose to share how God works in and through our lives with tragedies and brings freedom through healing.  Today I’m living in freedom and flying free of yesterday’s guilt, today’s fears, and tomorrow’s grave.  All because God loves me just the way I am!

There is a greater purpose and plan for our pain.  I agree, pain sucks big time, but we need to share our joys as well as our tragedies together as a community.  We’re more than conquerors in Christ, we’re overcomers!

Until next time…

Living With Addiction Day 18 ~ Broken Behaviors

Blameless Beach Peace

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Shame

Broken Behaviors of Abuse

Day 18 of 40

Peace!  Perfect Peace!  Can we actually have it through our storms of darkness and decay?  It’s hard to fathom that concept and wrap ourselves around it, but if we remember to grab ahold of the Hand of God extending down from heaven, He will safely walk us through it with peace that surpasses all knowledge.  This increases our endurance to overcome as we press towards the finish line with grace and dignity!

I don’t like pain.  Sometimes I even feel like a gentle touch from a loved one might hurt.  That may sound melodramatic, but I’ve endured more pain than I care or dare to admit and I just wish it would all end this side of heaven. 

We tend to forget that when we have emotional pain like depression from disease, divorce, loss of job, etc., we then encounter the cause and effect of physical pain to the body and spiritual loss.  Same goes when we have physical pain caused from chronic issues, disease, broken bones, we then suffer the effects of emotional depression, anxiety, anger and spiritual loss.

Notice how I put “spiritual loss” last above with both physical and emotional pain?  When we go through grief, pain, loss of any kind, we tend to lean towards isolation because we feel ashamed, we don’t feel anyone cares or understands or we just need time to process it all and we push others away, including God.  That’s the worst thing we can do, suffer spiritual loss and go at it alone.  There’s power in numbers; it’s called community.

God wants to help us during our grief and trials by receiving His love that He directs through others.  We need others to carry us and our burdens so we don’t push away the support that the Lord orchestrates.  This is a time to draw in and cleave to the Lord’s strong legs because He is the only one directing our stories.  He wants strong and healthy children that can go out into the world and help others while bringing Him glory.

If we become devoid of our connection with God because we have walked away from Him, then we are cutting off our lifeline of community and the life preservers that could have aided us in arriving at our next destination sooner and stronger, along with the perfect peace we are all striving for!

In writing about my cycle of abuse, I didn’t intend to start with sharing about my ex’s confusion regarding his sexual orientation preferences.  It not only brought on so much more pain through the betrayal in marriage, but being stripped down naked of any shred of femininity is what a lot of us live through each day!  Society dictates how we should look and act while being perfect in an imperfect world.  Wrong!  Our worth and value should be found in whom God says we are only; Beautiful Beloveds!

My emotional scars took a lot of healing and time with God, sitting at His feet and letting His love letter (Bible) permeate my soul so He could actually get his six-foot drill bit into my hardened heart and clear out all the disease (pain) that life with addiction, shame, abandonment, betrayal, and abuse developed.  Just getting through the scar tissue itself to bring back life was brutal enough, much less mending and sewing up my hemorrhaging heart through God’s meticulous precision and intricacies of love.  

So what’s all this hype about reading God’s Word?  The Bible isn’t about fables and stories, it’s about the Truth that sets us free and the nature of God and His goodness.  God knows the kind of pain and struggles we’d be subjected to here on earth and so He picked every kind of personality imaginable to relate their stories and the consequences given.  The world needs this great moral compass to gauge our conduct.

For example, I struggle with fear BIG TIME.  Every time I start freaking out, I flip open my Bible to the Book of Exodus 3-4 and read about Moses’ insecurities and fears regarding leadership speaking.  When God told me I would be speaking in front of women, I threw a Tammy Tantrum fit of the worst kind and ran the other way because I thought there would be no way I could ever do that.

Fear is paralyzing, not mobilizing.  Public speaking brings out the worst in me; peeing my panties!  I’m not kidding either.   God shares with me that though I may feel inadequate, He is right there alongside of me holding my hand and equipping me with what to say and the provision needed.  I am proof positive of both crawling to the finish line and receiving the blessings found from the favor of God through peace, favor and fulfillment.

Remember, I started reading the Word along with cracking open a beer, like I said, because God invites us and love us just the way we are.  When you spend time in someone’s presence, you automatically mirror what they project and give.  His transformation severs addictions, rage, depression, fear, and especially insecurities before we even realize it. 

God has taken my shattered life and molded it back together by intricately gluing each piece back together so not only is it stronger, but it’s more beautiful and it illuminates His glory through the transparency of the Superglue.  God loves putting broken and messy lives back together because, after all, Psalm 34:18 reminds us that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  God is Love, that is why He sent His son, Jesus Christ, into the world; not to just save those who believe and offer reconciliation, but He came to heal the brokenhearted just like me (Luke 4:18).

Forewarning, I will be writing sporadically in the next couple of weeks, but I will share graphic and violent events solely to show you the power brought about through God’s gift of healing and transformation.  Fear versus Faith.  Now I’m an overcomer.   Enjoy Mandisa’s Overcomer.

Until next time…

Living With Addiction Day 16 ~ Broken Behaviors of Abuse

Blameless Chains 7

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Shame

The Broken Behavior of Abuse

Day 16 of 40

Shame and Abuse, two powerful words used in our everyday lifestyles and conversations denoting the ugly reality of life.  Do we really understand their correlation and definition to one another?  Better yet, what could they both possibly have to do with my living with addiction?

According to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, shame is defined as “a feeling of guilt, regret, or sadness that you have because you know you have done something wrong”; and abuse is defined as “a corrupt practice or improper or excessive use or treatment.”

Many people ask me, “How could a person be so amazingly strong and confident with unfathomable faith and yet be an advocate for others after having stayed in these horrific abusive relationships for so long?”  My answer, S-H-A-M-E!

Remember, I am a byproduct of a long generational lineage of shame living with addiction.  So many of the behaviors I learned throughout the years were quite different than what most individuals would deem appropriate or allow themselves to be subjected to.  I am a work-in-progress and will continue to be until I reach the finish line this side of heaven.

My thought processes reflected and perceived everything that was happening to me as my own fault.  I deserved whatever form of punishment being afflicted on me because I did not conform to my controller’s demands.  That’s the game of shame; us victims take and carry the blame for what our abusers do.

Abusers entangle their prey initially through shame.  The victims get caught into this web spun with deceit and blame forcing them to be subjected to numerous stings from the venom that weakens and clouds their lens of perception.  They find themselves being exhausted and entrapped into this web of destruction with no way to escape and end up hanging there alone until death.

I will be using words such as “husband” and “family members” throughout.  Please understand that I’m not here to shame the living or the dead.  This is where being married a couple of times shields the identity along with having a large family.  So when I refer to my husband’s abuse or affairs and my family member’s spitting into my face, it is to bring awareness to what I was subjected to in order to share my story and not focus on the identity of the abuser. 

I will be sharing how my husband controlled me through the means of force and threat by brandishing a gun, strangulation, threats in taking my children away, verbiage that would alarm any law enforcement officer as forms of manipulation and control to help bring awareness as to why I lived under such horrific conditions along with my current struggles in balancing the fine line between healthy boundaries of love versus enabling.

Let us not forget how addiction ties in nicely here also!  Since my life was full of shame, depression, addiction, and now abuse, my initial go-to for escape and consolation was alcohol and cracking open my Bible.  What a contrast, I know; but I am being honest here and how it just reiterates that God works best in hot messes and He loves us just the way we are! 

So…  How were my chains of abuse severed that set me free from the bondage of the physical and emotional scars that held me down on the cell of hell’s floor for several decades?

I’m going to end today’s writing with another disclaimer.  Hearing the world say, “You’re so strong.  You’ve been through so much, I wish I could have the strength and faith like you.  I wish I could have your joy.”  Ha!  Hello…  What do I say, “I am not shielded from bad things, quite the contrary.  I am obedient and stand firm on my faith.  That takes action and practice, not complacency and laziness.

I am far from strong.  I am weak.  I am fragile.  I am frail and broken, but I am living proof of the definition found in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; God’s grace and power is made perfect in weaknesses.  My heart aches and bleeds just like yours.  I’ve just learned how to tap into the authority that is given to me through faith and grace and not go through life focusing on fear, excuses and complaints.  That’s the antidote that’s available to everyone who believes!  It’s called faith, the true source of where our strength and power comes from.

I blossom hearing God say, “Come here, Beautiful!  I love it when you spend time sharing your fears and dreams with me, beautiful daughter of mine.  I’m so proud of you that you are allowing My Spirit to transform you through faith and trust.  Your reliance unleashes the authority given to all my children who believe.  Now you can look back and see what I’ve been saying to you all along.  There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.  Trust me.  Just ask and receive.”

Wow, what a beautiful imagery of what amazing Love awaits for God’s Beloveds who care to engage in a relationship with Him by merely sitting at His feet while reading His love letter (Holy Bible) being humbled, honest and exposed knowing His Truths will set us free.  That’s called a relationship! 

Until next time…

Living With Addiction Day 5 ~ Perfect Peace

Do You Dream In Colour?

Living With Addiction

Perfect Peace

Day 5 of 40

As I started opening my eyes this morning, I awoke so wrapped in Love that I was able to experience something that I had lost:  Perfect Peace!  You know that peace that develops after you’ve been unraveled by His Amazing Love; you can hear the birds chirping outside while singing along in their joyful rhythm, the world around you seems oddly quiet without cradling fear, and you feel restored, rested and rejuvenated, ready to grasp the changes that new beginnings offer.

What a beautiful way to embrace a new year, new beginnings, and claim the promises that 2016 offersIt’s time for me to open up the blinds and welcome this new season that is filled with all the warmth of the light radiating from the sun and spend time cuddling His Great Love through trust! 

I survived and severed another layer of my stronghold of fear solely because my faith walk was graced by God’s Great Love and tender mercies leading me to victory!  Living with addiction is just as hard, if not harder, on the loved one’s family as it is for the person battling it. 

Even though it’s hard at times to believe that we’re wrapped in God’s Great Love and the battle is His, especially when we feel defeated and that He is working too slow or not at all, being reminded that we are cradled and caressed by His strong and loving arms when we’re walking out our faith will bring deliverance!

The shock of these relentless storms started desensitizing what a healthy life is meant to live this side of heaven.  God is again renewing and restoring my dead bones that were parched from cruelty with His Living Water!  I forgot how heavy the weight of the chill that came from this dampness was.  Trudging through the dreary swamp lands and not falling into the sinkholes and quicksand was exhausting. 

Today I can feel myself waltzing merrily along as free as one should be when living and dancing with her Teacher, her Father, the One she trusts and loves!  Life is to be sojourned through dance one step at a time.

I can actually say I have no idea how I came through this battle except to praise my Heavenly Father who held my hand and told me not to fear and trust Him as He guided me out of all this aggression and abuse!  I knew I was entangled into their web of destruction, and even though I was on my knees daily in prayer begging for strength and deliverance, I had forgotten what the stings of the deadly Black Widow brought; slow and torturing death.  This battle could no longer be won unless I surrendered waving my white flag!  That’s not defeat, that’s claiming victory at her finest hour!

If God parted the Red Sea for me so I would no longer be a slave to fear and could walk right through it to receive the path of peace and protection, much like he did for the Israelites when they were under attack and fearful for their lives, there is absolutely no reason why He wouldn’t part these raging seas for my loved ones. God parts our Red Seas so we can walk on water while He drowns our fears in His Perfect Love like the beautiful song No Longer Slaves sings!  Hike on that faith walk for six minutes or so and be blessed.

I am still worried and hurting for my loved ones, but I will be spending the weekend with great friends who want to go deeper in our friendships and our faith walks while meditating and reflecting on two of my favorite passages of all time that I share quite often because this is what sustains me and reminds me how wrapped in His Love I am:  Isaiah 41:10-13 and 1 John 4:18.

Won’t you join me in praising God this weekend for His amazing grace and love and hug someone today.  We never know what anyone is battling, and I know I have loved ones out there who could use a hug or two or three! 

See you next week…  

Living With Addiction Day 4 ~ Never Give Up On Yourself

Blameless Never Give Up

Living With Addiction

Never Give Up On Yourself

Day 4 of 40

My precious loved ones:  I am hoping you’re reading this because you have mentioned your awareness in rage and haste.  For starters, I love you with all my heart and soul and am so sorry you’re hurting!  ♥♥  Sometimes Perfect Love requires discipline and correction; this is how we learn.  There is no shame or blame here with what has happened, just the awareness of the accountability and reaching out for help!    

And even though you may not believe it, the pain I’m feeling is more than a broken heart, it’s a loss; the greatest loss of loved ones that any family could ever be blessed with.  That leadership gift that graces your lives with struggles is the testimony needed to share and relate with the world.  None of us are perfect; we all make mistakes and we just need to learn how to recover from them and get back up in order to grow.  Change is hard; I know this one all too well.

We all need the extension of the olive branch from time to time.  Grabbing ahold of it, though, presents many challenges filled with unknowns, but there is nothing to fear with Perfect Love.  The door of faith and favor and fulfillment is just waiting for you to grab ahold of and walk through.  My love will never stop; though it be afar right now!  God sees my tears and hears my prayers for the deliverance of anger, addiction and abuse.  This cycle needs to stop!

Living with addiction and its associated strongholds of anger, abuse and depression is a pattern that is being repeated over and over again in our families.  It has even claimed the life of some!  We are all beautiful specimens of our generations past so instead of running and hiding from the pain and patterns out of fear and shame, let’s embrace it and sever these addictive qualities. 

I kind of know what you’re feeling right now; abandoned and rejected, scared and confused.  I get that!  I am sorry you’re hurting.  I have felt that way myself more times than I care to admit.  This is what is tearing me apart the most because you are so loved and there is help waiting.

There is no shame or embarrassment here, just acknowledgement of the need for help and owning up to your own responsibility and asking for forgiveness.  Change is necessary for healthy relationships.  It’s a tough road, but a healthy mindset is powerful and full of peace.  That’s what counselors, support groups, family, and your responsibility in walking through those doors offer.  Going at it alone will only repeat, even intensify, the problem and another generation be cursed.

We have two choices:  Live with it or live without it.  I am no longer living with addiction or its byproduct.  I still struggle with my own strongholds of fear and denial, let alone anger and depression, but that is something the Lord will continue to work with me on this side of heaven.  I am not perfect.  No one is!  That’s the beauty of life blossoming.

I am not an enabler, nor am I co-dependent on the chaos and control spewing from the venom that entangles others into a massive web of destruction.  I decided to sever this dysfunctional lifestyle and embrace the protection offered from the umbrella of God’s grace and mercy to be protected from the storm causing all this pain long ago and follow up on my boundaries laid out.

Fear may have driven my entire life from the deposits of all the strongholds, but I will not engage in that battleground any longer.  I opened the chambers of my heart, but now with becoming healthier and stronger from living away from all the abuse, that world I left behind many years ago is where it resides; in the past!  It is scary, chaotic, and depleting and not a healthy environment.

Becoming healthy is an amazing freedom to live in!  I am seeing how God has transformed my own life because fear is loosening the reins of dictatorship controlling my decisions.  I am no longer surrounded by the fuel lines of anger and aggression and control that used to manipulate me.  I still struggle, but am prevailing.  I can see so clearly now how I do not belong in those strongholds God miraculously delivered me from.  

I may grieve now for a time and it will be hard, but by hanging onto the Lord, the Perfect Love who casts out all fear (1 John 4:18) and whom I know and trust wholeheartedly, this stretching will be brutal because I must be patient and await God’s timing to perform His miraculous healing.  I am walking by faith and not by sight; my faith walk.  It’s the being removed and patient part while grieving that will challenge my faith. 

When we’re awaiting the restoration and healing of our loved ones, we want the healing now!!!  I know I do!  The Lord assured me that your sickness would not end in death (John 11:4), but will glorify Him.  I will hang onto that Promise knowing I will see you again, touch you and celebrate while severing these strongholds afflicting our family.  I am sorry you’re hurting.  With my tears, this I pray with great expectation, in Jesus’ mighty name!

I love you… ♥♥

When Walking Out Our Faith Hurts Like Hell!!!

Blameless Isaiah 46.4.1

When Walking Out Our Faith Hurts Like Hell!

A Mother’s Anguish!

We’ve all had those moments, when God allows you to go through a turbulent storm so violent and fierce, before you could even catch your breath, reload, get back up and stand your ground, you realize you’re smack in the center of a deadly battlefield.  The only ammo left available is to surrender, waving your blood-stained garment.  After all, God did say He would carry you, sustain you, and rescue you, right (Isaiah 46:4)? 

What does that look like when one is surrounded by disease, rage, abuse, drugs, alcohol, mental illness, familial strongholds, financial issues, and lack of strength to continue trudging through the quicksand that is swallowing you up as you blindly feel for the burrow in the swampland?

Sadly, most of us have endured those moments when we’ve walked through what we knew and believed would kill us when God suddenly Blameless Crown 7appears announcing midstream, “Well done, Beautiful Beloved, see how you’ve grown?  I know you’re scared and you’re hurt and I understand the pain of letting go of loved ones; but put your crown back on, stand tall, and move forward like the queen you are!”  You don’t need to navigate through old terrain; it’s God’s battle now! 

Let’s face it, it’s hard to remember and to apply scripture to our lives while we’re walking out our faith claiming a victory that is restorative and encouraging which is found in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 that says to be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus, especially when we are not seeing any answer!

It wasn’t until I started sharing my fears, delirium and agony in trying to walk out my faith as a mother through these tragedies afflicting my son and his family did I become painfully aware that God was allowing this trial for a sundry of reasons, most of which I had absolutely no clue whatsoever (or care and attitude to admit); but with special significance to show me the growth brought on through my very own transformation.  We can only sever genetic dysfunction in the family when we, ourselves, have been healed.  Hello!!!  That’s worthy of praise!

This was one of those seasons when everything seemed to be going wrong and you can’t for the life of your faith figure out how to plow through the quicksand before the swamp consumes you.  Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough or even been told you’re an epic failure?  I have, and those words hurt, stick and mold you in like cement along with the weight and bondage it carries. 

It seems the more you do, the more love you pour out, the harder the verbal assaults attack your heart and mind.  You know those jeers, the ones who constantly judge, ridicule, and attack through condemnation that leech on and suck you dry; those days that leave you so depleted, you have to crawl on your hands and knees and remember, Because you’re full of His Love, you can love as hard as they can throw!!  Home run, baby!!!

Opening your broken heart and your tiny home to others with great physical, emotional, financial and spiritual needs requires more than perseverance; it takes f-a-i-t-h!  You’re a mom and a grandmother, that’s what you do; you Blameless Lovelove unconditionally, with your every fiber, and you f-o-r-g-i-v-e!  You attempt to do everything humanly possible, except for rip out your bleeding heart and hand it over to those you’re loving on, but when all you receive is the blunt trauma and carnage caused from the blame and shame of all their problems, it’s brutal!  Your intentions are pure, you proudly wear your Mommy Super Hero outfit with an unfathomable faith, so why are you left with nothing but the remnants of a broken heart and battle scars that develop from constantly being on your knees in prayer?  What hidden treasures can possibly be found in the raw, exposed, bleeding wounds of a mother’s pain this side of heaven?  Love ♥♥.

When you love someone with all your heart, soul, body and mind and have done everything you can to save and relieve their pain, it’s hard to get off of your knees knowing you did everything in your power; especially now that your heart is more fractured from the old wounds being ripped back open with no solution to stop the pain.  No matter what anyone says, there’s never a big enough band-aid to stop the bleed of a mother’s heart!

Thankfully, we have a loving God who cares and binds up the wounds of the brokenhearted!  God follows me around with His superglue called Love to miraculously somehow or another in His omniscience mold me back together.  He doesn’t forget any shattered piece as He patiently and intricately puts me back together.  Love is the superglue and hidden treasure found in pain; and since life is but a dance to be shared, the pain and lessons learned through it will forever adhere to the greatest love story (sticky glue) that will stand tall.  Broken, maybe; defeated, nope!  God is faithful in His transformation, and when you finally surrender, that’s when God says loudly, Well done, good and faithful servant…  Come and share your master’s happiness (Matthew 25:21)!  It only took you a few months to accomplish what took you decades before to learn.

Since Jesus was hated and crucified because of His Great Love, we need to try and remember that when we are hard pressed on every side, we are not crushed, perplexed or in despair; and even though we may be persecuted, we are not abandoned; and though we may be struck down, we are not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8-12). 

Jesus withstood this anguish and His character still stands the test of time.  I was courageous enough to crawl and stand back up to the plate after striking out numerous times, and because I want to help others going through similar trials as to what has helped sustain me by cleaving and pressing into God’s promises, I will start sharing my journey that is raw, brutally honest and full of pain when we don’t understand life and all that is thrown at us.  We were never meant to go through it alone and afraid!

Eventually God will say, “Home run.”  It is up to me to continue walking out my faith believing with my head held high and my crown secure, though I fall.  Isn’t that what faith is anyways; belief put into action?

Until next time...

Blameless Flower 6.6