Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Shame

Broken Behaviors of Abuse

Day 20 of 40

How does a Beloved heal, much less move forward, after encountering one’s best friend cradled in the arms and refuge of her own husband?  Did I forget to mention that my best friend and I were both business partners in a court reporting business that required day in, day out contact and cooperation occupying the same space and airways as one another?  There’s no room for a cat fight in a court of law!

Do I hear awkward?  I don’t know whose motives were worse, hers or mine!  How about both being destructive and lost!  One vying for revenge through the scorn of power and the other like a mouse running for cover in the presence of a cat!

My motives and deliverance were based solely on Vengeance with a capital “V” with having the upper hand in holding the power brought on through daily punishment in working together.  Makes absolutely no sense, I know!  She worried about her reputation and profession and I worried about feeding my babies while controlling our business arrangement my way!

You may take my man, but you won’t survive my plan!  Can I hear kudos to the scorned Queen?

Honestly, what was I thinking?  After I kicked my husband out of our home, those two ended up cohabitating for a period of time, supposedly for the sole economic convenience, until reconciliation developed between my husband and I.  Welcome to the behavior of use and abuse! 

And here I felt pity and compassion for her when I allowed him back into our home.  Seriously?

My battle scars ran so deep, not only was I consumed with covering up my perceived failure as a wife which justified the actions of these two selfish individuals, but the shattered image that projected my source of identity could no longer thrive and survive.  I now became that dubious distinction; no longer desired as a Beautiful Beloved. 

Cells of hell are built on insecurities and identity blasters!

My shame evolved around spending countless hours and resources trying to hide and cover up the behaviors of others who needed to be exposed.  My sweeping it underneath the rug just enabled freedom for it to occur again and again.  It also robbed me of my voice and prevented healing, not to mention the acceptance in the behavior that would subsequently become violent!

Because denial lost its battle, I needed a new go-to, a new source of strength to handle all the pressures in burying this infidelity.  Since suicidal tendencies and drug abuse didn’t work in the past, my desperation sought out the comforts delivered from Coors Light!  Can’t lose the figure in the process, right?  I started covering up this pain through good ‘ole beer drinking just to take the edge off.

Herein lies the daughter of alcoholism and rage.  If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?  Isn’t that the old adage?  Wrong…  This just further contributed to my alter ego developing a life that was similar in nature to court reporting; you’re hearing it and taking it all down, but it goes in one ear and out the other, blinding my reality and exposure to unhealthy behaviors.

Sadly, this left the door wide open for its festering effects of bitterness and anger to attach and disease all of my vital organs.  It also allowed full exposure for the flaming arrows to penetrate my tattered and bleeding heart.  My precious cubs were left unprotected and in an environment that was unhealthy over and over again.  I became so numb, infidelity and abuse had full rein and control over my life.

We have to be fierce lionesses standing firm, facing our enemy and looking him square in the eye, while being self-controlled and alert.  Not buzzed and medicated on alcohol or drugs.  The enemy prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  We need to let the enemy know whose authority and power we are standing on and living under through the sharing of our sufferings with one another (1 Peter 5:8-9)!

After all, let’s continue to be honest here while remembering that our friends and associates mirror us, so let’s say cheese!!!  This is why the Lord cautions us to be careful with those whom we spend a lot of time with because we will become like those surrounding us; and bad company corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33).  Some of us are slow learners and that would be me!

Betrayal in marriage is a double-edged sword and it hurts all who are near.  I have to believe that some pain and difficult trials are oftentimes the only doorway leading towards development that God uses for complete healing.  This enables us to receive His best that otherwise would never have been received!  God is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who call upon His name (Psalm 34:18)!  I’m living proof!

Until next time…