Tag Archives: #chronicpain

Courage To Be Still

blameless-philippians-4-13

Courage To Be Still

Are you anything like me, it takes more than courage to be still?  What does that look like anyways and why on earth would I want to be still with all the demands clamoring for my attention?  Here I’m exhausted with a whole house to pack, still have “the” home to find, along with numerous state and federal filings for Blameless’ nonprofit status and I’m told to be still?

I am sitting here needing me some cheese to go along with all this whining as I vomit to the Lord all of my frustrations and how He needs to get real with His expectations; that how dare He tell me to sit and be still with all of this going on!  Attitude at its finest!  I’m so grateful we serve a good, good Father because what is coming out of my potty mouth right now isn’t exactly worthy to pen, but it’s the truth in how I’m feeling!  Frustration with a capital F!  Oh, and because He’s such a good, good Father, He lets me throw my Tammy Tantrums and loves me just the way I am!

Sit and write?  I don’t want to.  I don’t have a brain.  Why would I want to write?  All I would write about is how all these spinal injuries make it hard to type with my neck propped, brace and all; and sitting doesn’t exactly take the pain off the old back injuries.  It seems my cages and rods do nothing but sever my nerves these days.  But I can walk and move, sometimes even gracefully (in my dreams anyways!), so I am grateful for that.  There are times when I want to dance and move about like I used to, but all that does is makes me bitter and hilarious to watch.  Pain is a part of my journey. 

The Lord shared with me back in 2003 or so that I would live with chronic pain until He took me home to be with Him for eternity.  He even called it my thorn in the flesh that would keep me humbled that Paul so eloquently shares in describing his weakness in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10.  I had just finished my two-year rehabilitation from a serious life-altering car accident that forever changed my life, but since I could finally walk to my mailbox that was located at the end of my driveway, I was elated with the progress.  At that time the pain was tolerable, but I had no idea subsequent accidents would cause more pain and damage. 

The simple things in life, really; learning how to walk down your driveway to retrieve the daily mail.  Just a simple feat and one WE ALL take for granted!  I know I did, and I still do at times.  Here I’ve done too much, things I’m not supposed to do, especially given my couple-pound weight limit.  Since the Lord gives me daily grace and an outpouring of strength and vitality to persevere, I forget all I accomplish because I lack self-compassion on the hard days. 

You know those moments, when someone gives you the greatest compliment by saying they had no idea all the injuries that your body has sustained and the pain you live through constantly, that it reminds you of His constant mercy and humbling grace?  That’s HUGE PRAISES to my Lord because He alone has sustained me!

Tonight I took a brief moment to catch the sunset.  I am a sunset chaser and one of many reasons I love my home.  Until they built the new cancer center next door, I had an unobstructed view of every sunset.  I love how God magnificently paints a masterpiece most nights to remind us of another beautiful day lived this side of heaven. 

Kind of strange how we say we don’t have ten minutes to be still and watch God’s majestic radiance as he paints a portrait that would brighten up any life while pouring peace over our depleted souls.  Instead we manage to spend over thirty minutes spewing and infecting those surrounding us what ten minutes of gratitude and stillness through admiration could accomplish.

Wow, amazing how magically better I feel.  Oh, I am in pain, but hopefully me stopping now and being still with admiration will afford the Lord some healing time so tomorrow I can get up and continue once again.  For all my fellow chronic pain sufferers out there, my heartfelt prayers for healing and restoration are yours for the taking.  Receive the peace, alignment and strength to continue to fight the good fight as we run towards the finish line.  One thing I know for certain, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13). 

If you would like prayer or would like to share a comment, please honor me with the prayer request below.  I’m a firm believer in the power of prayer.

Until next time…

Blameless Beautiful You 5

 

Advertisements

I am Broken, But not Forgotten!

Blameless Mirror 3

I am Broken,

But not Forgotten!

Blameless Broken Glass

I am broken!  I have a broken body, though not obvious to the critical and naked eye, that is encased within the remnants of this cold, broken, diseased body that is decaying away.  I have a broken and tarnished mind that oftentimes backfires, leaving me unconscious, while melting down without any forewarning.  I have a broken and bleeding heart, so raw from all the constant jeers and tattered affliction, I have no idea how much longer it will sustain itself.  I have a broken life that supports nothing but a hot mess and chaos that easily destroys everyone in its path, similar to the power coming from an F5 tornado.  I have broken relationships so shattered, they’re forcing my early demise due to the torturing and exhausting attempts at reconciliation.  I am broken!!!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall,

How do I again Enthrall?

Once so Lovely and Often told Bubbly,

Where were you during the Fall?

The image of the reflection before you haunts and tortures your exhausted mind as you take yet another closeup look at what life and brokenness has done to the innocent girl Blameless Mirror Frightlooking back at you.  Right before the weakened heart’s palpitations drop you to the floor, this broken girl hears a gentle voice of loving reassurance proclaiming, “I Am Who I Am” (Exodus 3:14)!  I have promised you restoration so never forget that “God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind.  Does he speak and then not act?  Does he promise and not fulfill” (Numbers 23:19). “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).  Wow, what Great Love is that?

God lovingly reassures me to not give up by saying, “Have I not promised you restoration to all things your obedience cost you?  Get up, Beautiful Beloved of mine, and walk by faith towards that restoration that you have been trusting and clinging to each and every day of your difficult journey!  Welcome to the Promised Land.  You almost gave up, but when you heard my voice remind you, `…Though it linger (tarry), wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay’ (Habakkuk 2:3), you held on.”

My heart ponders…

If I am indeed a Beautiful Beloved of the

Kingdom of God,

and I survived what I thought would kill me, doesn’t that mean I should put my crown back on, stand tall, and move forward with the confidence that exudes a

Queen?

Hmmm…  Hello…  If that doesn’t swell up your head enough causing you to move (pull and drift) upwards and forward, then I doubt anything would ♥♥).

Blameless Crown 7

Restoration!!!

Life is hard, and right now my life is brutally hard and challenging between the plundering from another life-and-death battleground and the unique balance to support the spiritual, emotional, financial and physical needs of others!  How do we hang on and not get buried alive, you know, through the enemy’s flaming arrows, the emotional darts, and the affliction that the enemy relentlessly extends while feeling loved by God?

I know life’s brutally hard.  With any battleground we face, when it comes to your own child, this one is hard to let go of the control element.  I know this one all too well because my own baby boy (adult son) is battling the disabling and debilitating and demeaning disease of epilepsy as a grown man with a family of his own to raise and support.  This mama’s heart is so broken and scared and so filled with fear and grief of the unknown, this one could take me down.  Cancer won’t and didn’t along with the worst of the violations that life could throw at one person; but the life of a son, or the torture thereof, has me having to live out my faith while trusting on the One who is loving, caring, and is the author and perfecter of my son’s life.  I am clinging to all of Jeremiah 33; the book of God’s promises of restoration. 

I know many of us mamas and grandmas out there are raising or living a life constantly on our knees for our children due to salvation, bad decisions, disease, delinquency, drugs, you name it, or even the Prodigal Son Syndrome (that’s me ).  This mama knows what it’s like to feel inadequate; that you messed up in some way, and that everything that is remotely wrong or challenging in your children’s life is your fault.  I do not care how old they get!  But you know what, as hard as it is for me to fully believe and hang onto the Lord at times (being honest here ), I am hanging on to Psalm 112:7-8 and Psalm 126 because my heart is secure and steadfast on the Lord, having no fear of bad news (yeah, right ) and I know the tears I have sowed as I go out weeping will return with songs of joy.

Want even more encouraging and sustaining news, read about the amazing story of Lazarus found in John 11.  This is perfect for all of us who believe God is taking too long to heal or doesn’t care.  This mama is clinging to John 11:4 which says, “…Jesus said, This sickness will not end in death.  No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”  ♥♥♥

Blameless Matthew 5.16 1 Life can be crippling and fear paralyzing, and some things in life happen that we will never understand this side of heaven; but because of our great faith in the Love that surpasses all knowledge (Ephesians 3:19 and Philippians 4:7), we are able to combat and hang onto the Lord while pressing towards the victory that we know belongs to us; or my son in this case, his precious family, and my precious granddaughter, Princess Ella, the heir to the Ingram throne!  And since she has her Grammy Tammy’s sass and spunk, she needs to know and understand the miracles that God can perform and how His love manifests itself throughout life and others!  God’s love surpasses all knowledge.

A lot of us are grieving and walking through hard, even torturing, losses right now.  Having faith and trust in God not only strengthens and sustains us during our losses and tragedies, but His Love enables us to live the life that He designed; living lives that are peaceful and self-controlled; not freaking out through stress, exhaustion, violence, venting our frustrations and anger onto others, or picking up other vices to calm our scared and hurting hearts.  That’s called Love, the “glue” found in 1 John 4:7-21.

Until next time…

Thank you for being Beautiful You!

Blameless Mirror 2.1

Not Again! Everything Hinges on Today!

Blameless Sunset 1.2

Not Again!

Everything Hinges on Today!

You know those mornings, the aftermath of the war.  You stand there startled, short of breath, as you boldly survey the carnage left over from the enemy’s constant plundering.  Remnants from another battleground has left you just as scarred and naked as when your weary, decaying body collapsed into the cool comforts of satin just hours before.  You toss and battle all night long with one eye on the ticking clock and the other on the enemy’s next move.  You’re now prepared to combat every flaming arrow, emotional dart and affliction that the enemy extends with your armor of protection and your sharpened sword; this is life, the new norm.  Change!

You’ve become numb; you’re not worried about the outcome, both require either change and/or adaption.  You’re exhausted from all the physical pain caused from being a surgeon’s fantasy, you know, remove this, remove that; insert this, insert that!  The long recoveries, the staples, the scars, the lack of essential organs; and the growing weakness that every surgery brings about; spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Your life is full of change, relentless pain, and restrictions.  You’re used to this; you’re only getting older!  No one understands.  Most would never believe it if you told them.  You yearn for what everyone else has;  freedom to be me, pain-free!  Yet you’re isolated from the normalcy that most take for granted, and every step hurts like hell!

Blameless Ballet InnocenseYou look into the mirror and even though your heart and mind tells you you’re still as beautiful and vibrant as the crown you once wore, the image you see tells another story.  Traumatized, you pull the skin from around your eyes and cheeks and press hard while stretching it towards your ears and breathe a sigh of relief as you receive the affirmation that the fantasy portrays, while choosing to believe and hide under the weight of what was.  Then reality hits and rears its ugly head with a loud roar.  Everything hinges on today!

With your alarm blaring, you bury your head underneath the pillow trying to drown out the piercing screams coming from such a miniscule item.  If only we had such a powerful voice!  You’re exhausted, you’re scared, you’re trying to survive in this alien form of decay this side of heaven.  Heaven?  You’re wondering how in the world you got here to begin with, much less AGAIN!  You’re not ready for today; no one is.  Someone make that torturing and boisterous noise stop!  Everything hinges on today! 

As you roll over to silent that relentless and torturing alarm, you smack the glass of water that was sitting on your nightstand flinging it against the wall.  In response, the water starts trickling down into your clothes drawer.  As it starts rushing towards to wipe out your Bible, your moment of fight-and-flight adrenaline enables you to jump out of bed in haste to stop the water from damaging your road map, your life, your love, your Bible.  In accomplishment, you slam your shin on the new exposed steel end caps of the bed that protrudes beyond its borders and scream loud obscenities not worthy of imagination.  (Trust me, my mouth could have competed, and proudly taken the prize, from any sailor’s foul mouth; just sayin’… )

Hobbling to the kitchen with tears streaming down your face to turn on the morning liquid courage (coffee ) just like every other day, the realization that coffee wasn’t made the night before due to the lack of tricklin’ brew, a tantrum brews anew.  To add insult to injury, the irritable thrust of attitude and pathetic demeanor in opening the coffee results in a confetti blessing of Mt. Starbucks all over the counter-top.  Time may be of the essence today, but because of the DELIRIUM, you flip your long hair back like an old Charlie’s Angels icon and smack your forehead against the granite ledge knocking you completely on your assets with your teeth snapping down on your tongue like an alligator devouring its prey!!!

Go ahead, laugh!  I will nearly pee my pants with joyful humiliation every time I revisit this horrible encounter for years to come; but laughter is the best medicine, right, especially when laughing at one’s self.  It was as dramatic as it sounds, resulting in the makeup that every woman runs from, a black eye!  So much for the audition on Charlie’s Angels! 🙂

As you fall to the ground in literal tears and in pain, reality sets in as you realize you’re not allowed to have coffee or water because today IS DOOMSDAY, the day of another surgery!  Today is the day that starts yet another new journey filled with unknowns and a whole lot of pain, both old and new.  You reflect as you lay on that cold tile floor sobbing like a tantrum-throwing two-year-old regurgitating the blood coming from the lock-down caused by your own beautiful teeth.

As you glance over through the cloudy pool of tears, your heart focuses on a picture of your kids and granddaughter smiling right back at you.  God really has sustained you with grandeur blessings!  You then wonder why you can’t be like that innocent child who runs a high fever, doesn’t sleep, has Philippians 4:13a nose filled with liquid congestion and the constant drippings, along with a cough that burns and seems to have Energizer bunny batteries; yet when she wakes up, she is smiling, eager and excited for the day ahead.  She doesn’t know what is going to happen, she embraces the good along with the bad; all she thinks about is how it’s a new day and she trusts the One Who Loves her.  She’s ready to experience all that life has to offer her that day and the beauty it holds moment by moment with the biggest smile, contagious excitement and total gratitude!  That is the meaning of “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). 

With everything hinging on today, the heart remembers…

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come…Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised…” Proverbs 31:25-30 (NIV). 

Today’s surgery might bring about additional long-standing pain, Chronic is his name, due to the physical, emotional and even spiritual losses; but let’s celebrate victory even before we have received the prize with love while engaging in the dance with one another through joy, laughter, tears and support in order to claim the victory that will “…let them praise His name with dancing” (Psalm 149:3).

Until next time…

Thank you for being Beautiful You!

Blameless Ballet 3.11