When Walking Out Our Faith Hurts Like Hell!!!

Blameless Isaiah 46.4.1

When Walking Out Our Faith Hurts Like Hell!

A Mother’s Anguish!

We’ve all had those moments, when God allows you to go through a turbulent storm so violent and fierce, before you could even catch your breath, reload, get back up and stand your ground, you realize you’re smack in the center of a deadly battlefield.  The only ammo left available is to surrender, waving your blood-stained garment.  After all, God did say He would carry you, sustain you, and rescue you, right (Isaiah 46:4)? 

What does that look like when one is surrounded by disease, rage, abuse, drugs, alcohol, mental illness, familial strongholds, financial issues, and lack of strength to continue trudging through the quicksand that is swallowing you up as you blindly feel for the burrow in the swampland?

Sadly, most of us have endured those moments when we’ve walked through what we knew and believed would kill us when God suddenly Blameless Crown 7appears announcing midstream, “Well done, Beautiful Beloved, see how you’ve grown?  I know you’re scared and you’re hurt and I understand the pain of letting go of loved ones; but put your crown back on, stand tall, and move forward like the queen you are!”  You don’t need to navigate through old terrain; it’s God’s battle now! 

Let’s face it, it’s hard to remember and to apply scripture to our lives while we’re walking out our faith claiming a victory that is restorative and encouraging which is found in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 that says to be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus, especially when we are not seeing any answer!

It wasn’t until I started sharing my fears, delirium and agony in trying to walk out my faith as a mother through these tragedies afflicting my son and his family did I become painfully aware that God was allowing this trial for a sundry of reasons, most of which I had absolutely no clue whatsoever (or care and attitude to admit); but with special significance to show me the growth brought on through my very own transformation.  We can only sever genetic dysfunction in the family when we, ourselves, have been healed.  Hello!!!  That’s worthy of praise!

This was one of those seasons when everything seemed to be going wrong and you can’t for the life of your faith figure out how to plow through the quicksand before the swamp consumes you.  Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough or even been told you’re an epic failure?  I have, and those words hurt, stick and mold you in like cement along with the weight and bondage it carries. 

It seems the more you do, the more love you pour out, the harder the verbal assaults attack your heart and mind.  You know those jeers, the ones who constantly judge, ridicule, and attack through condemnation that leech on and suck you dry; those days that leave you so depleted, you have to crawl on your hands and knees and remember, Because you’re full of His Love, you can love as hard as they can throw!!  Home run, baby!!!

Opening your broken heart and your tiny home to others with great physical, emotional, financial and spiritual needs requires more than perseverance; it takes f-a-i-t-h!  You’re a mom and a grandmother, that’s what you do; you Blameless Lovelove unconditionally, with your every fiber, and you f-o-r-g-i-v-e!  You attempt to do everything humanly possible, except for rip out your bleeding heart and hand it over to those you’re loving on, but when all you receive is the blunt trauma and carnage caused from the blame and shame of all their problems, it’s brutal!  Your intentions are pure, you proudly wear your Mommy Super Hero outfit with an unfathomable faith, so why are you left with nothing but the remnants of a broken heart and battle scars that develop from constantly being on your knees in prayer?  What hidden treasures can possibly be found in the raw, exposed, bleeding wounds of a mother’s pain this side of heaven?  Love ♥♥.

When you love someone with all your heart, soul, body and mind and have done everything you can to save and relieve their pain, it’s hard to get off of your knees knowing you did everything in your power; especially now that your heart is more fractured from the old wounds being ripped back open with no solution to stop the pain.  No matter what anyone says, there’s never a big enough band-aid to stop the bleed of a mother’s heart!

Thankfully, we have a loving God who cares and binds up the wounds of the brokenhearted!  God follows me around with His superglue called Love to miraculously somehow or another in His omniscience mold me back together.  He doesn’t forget any shattered piece as He patiently and intricately puts me back together.  Love is the superglue and hidden treasure found in pain; and since life is but a dance to be shared, the pain and lessons learned through it will forever adhere to the greatest love story (sticky glue) that will stand tall.  Broken, maybe; defeated, nope!  God is faithful in His transformation, and when you finally surrender, that’s when God says loudly, Well done, good and faithful servant…  Come and share your master’s happiness (Matthew 25:21)!  It only took you a few months to accomplish what took you decades before to learn.

Since Jesus was hated and crucified because of His Great Love, we need to try and remember that when we are hard pressed on every side, we are not crushed, perplexed or in despair; and even though we may be persecuted, we are not abandoned; and though we may be struck down, we are not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8-12). 

Jesus withstood this anguish and His character still stands the test of time.  I was courageous enough to crawl and stand back up to the plate after striking out numerous times, and because I want to help others going through similar trials as to what has helped sustain me by cleaving and pressing into God’s promises, I will start sharing my journey that is raw, brutally honest and full of pain when we don’t understand life and all that is thrown at us.  We were never meant to go through it alone and afraid!

Eventually God will say, “Home run.”  It is up to me to continue walking out my faith believing with my head held high and my crown secure, though I fall.  Isn’t that what faith is anyways; belief put into action?

Until next time...

Blameless Flower 6.6

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What Are You Looking At? Anger and Its Destruction!

Blameless Olive Branch 1.1

Anger and Its Destruction!

Extending the Olive Branch in the Name of Love!

His violent, piercing words spoken relentlessly were brutal, “What are you *** looking at?  You’re the reason the family *** hates us!  No wonder I’m so *** up.”  You get my point, just fill in the stars yourself for an idea of what filled and hovered in my sky! 

Words of rage and anger strewn about through the damaging emotional darts and flaming arrows penetrated my every fiber as I was held prisoner in the shackles that were holding me captive in my cell of hell!  Another’s pain and problems stung so deeply, I could not find a way to dodge or run from them.  Instead, they tormented me violently as I grabbed my head and begged the Lord to release the ugly lies that were spoken over and weaved through my life. 

How could he say that after everything I’ve done for him?  He thinks he can corner me into this cell of hell that would announce my fear of failure through his shame and blame?  I knew his words came from a place of pain, but they were relentless.  I could not run from it or shake it.  The only resolution, it demanded he find another place to live because he could not control himself. 

I prayed for hours while being still (no, I babbled and rambled on 🙂 ) begging God to help me understand this restlessness of my soul and what to do before he was gone.  All my dreams and, yes, expectations were crushed and demolished for my prodigal son, and if anyone was going to open wide my tattered and damaged heart that had healed with a lot of scar tissue, he wasn’t going to get away with it without figuring out why I could not let go of all these emotional scars brought on from his pain and rage. 

I looked in the mirror at the silhouette looking back and I saw how the words from another were tormenting my soul.  I was angry.  Yes, justifiably angry.  I knew his words were brought out due to his own fears and pain, but why could I no longer shake it from my person?  Why was I allowing this shame and blame to manifest inside my tattered soul and heart when I knew who God said I was and I did what I could to help?  Was I angry because the plan failed?  Of course!  Was I angry because I leaped into mommy action wearing my Super Hero outfit expecting to save his world, his family, and his life?  Yes.  That mommy grief of failure and pain was torturing and occupying my every space.

Living in a cell of hell requires a miraculous breakthrough.  I needed comfort and clarification because my soul was not content yet with him leaving even though he crossed way too many boundaries.  After all, where would he go and how would he receive medical help?  The torment of a mother’s heart!

After asking a couple of girlfriends to pray for me to help me understand why I was so discontent and full of grief in his leaving, I was going to enter into a period of solitude time with the Lord while fasting and being still until the Lord answered me.  And being the high maintenance Beloved I am when it comes to God, this characteristic of demand requires brutal patience, maybe even days of solitude while praying and fasting!  Blameless Prayer 1.1Expecting an answer before the 11th hour was imperative for my peace.  Thank God He loves me just the way I am!

Finally after petitioning the Lord a few hours, I felt my heart encouraged to pray differently while I laid there on my bed in total stillness.  Being a seasoned Christian does not mean I’m perfect and do not struggle with the same issues as everyone does; in fact, the more seasoned we are, the harder we fall because of pride.  I realized I needed to ask the Holy Spirit to show me the solution to calm my bleeding heart and to even convict me where I was wrong so I could learn and achieve the peace I needed in order to move on, grieve and walk through the pain. 

God lovingly calmed me down enough to administer to my disturbed heart.  He shared with me to open up my Bible and read Ephesians 4:26-32 (NIV) and He would reveal my discontent and show me what to do: 

In your anger do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.  He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,  just as in Christ God forgave you.

Then the conviction hit; my wrestling was about understanding my own anger and the plan to achieve the peace and guidance I petitioned for.  For my own self-worth and peace of mind, God announced that since I was still angry, it wrestled with my heart because it is filled with an overflow of compassion.  Anger and compassion are bipolar rivalries and a brutal tug-of-war. 

God’s scripture announced another form of communication to diffuse the anger and release my pain by offering a way to try and resolve the differences through my compassion.  Before the day ends tonight, way before the 11th hour, He shared the only way to receive the peace is to work on trying to mend this fragile and delicate relationship.  In a nutshell, God was telling me to suck it up, throw off my pride that had had enough; and if reconciliation wasn’t possible through agreement, at least I could grieve and move forward with peace! 

I desire and want to please my God with my actions, but that stems fromBlameless Olive Branch 1.1 my attitude.  The only way I can do that is by acting in love and kindness.  This is the resolution I wanted, to see what God’s will is for me regarding my loved one so I’m not held in my cell of hell! 

Life is hard, people are hard, and situations are challenging; but if we want to walk a life of Christ, it means removing the pride, the hurt feelings, and being uncomfortable while extending that olive branch with mercy and the last bit of love and compassion in our bodies!  We all need to be faithful in extending the olive branch in the Name of Love.

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

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