Tag Archives: #Depressionhurtsmorethantheafflicted

Living With Addiction Day 11 ~ Depression and Belonging

Blameless Window of Blessings

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Depression

Damage more than the Afflicted

Day 11 of 40

News Alert:  That mask I lived behind for many years showed the deep darkness to what controlled my very existence.  Depression is a lonely torment.  The enemy plants these tiny seeds of doubt into our minds with words like “You don’t belong, you’ll never be good enough or pretty enough.”  This scheme of deceit creeps into our minds and hearts while this full-blown warfare develops solely to steal, kill and destroy.

Somehow, some way, I saw the hand of God extending down from heaven as I was driving off that cliff and grabbed ahold of it as my car smashed and bounced off the wall of rocks.  Jesus had been patiently waiting for me to grab ahold of His help so I would understand why He came; to set us ALL free, those who would believe, so that we may have life and have it to the fullest (John 10:10).  It was then that this weapon of depression and force of destruction that was being formed against me lost its power during my final attempt at suicide.

While I was unconscious due to my skull fracture, I witnessed that bright light that some near-death experiences receive as I witnessed my life flashing before my very eyes.  I was touched clearly by the hand of God; how else could I survive flying through the air 350 feet after going through steel beams and bars and smashing into the cliff’s rocks, not to mention living through the force of the impact that compressed and wrapped my remains around the twisted metal of what was once my Volkswagen Bug.

So what happened to good ‘ole Scott, that dreamy boy, that some of you have asked?  You know, I don’t know.  I will never forget the “words” from his get-well card saying, “If you ever want to drop in anywhere, drop in at my house.”  He said I looked beautiful at the concert and disappeared right afterwards.  Due to our amazing seats, he was unable to get up front with us, but that he was behind me the whole time watching us a dozen rows back.

My parents and I moved to a completely new area shortly after my release from both hospitalizations and I never saw him again.  The enemy is good about robbing us of blessings and gifts that were ours to begin with to open, but we let doubt, insecurities, and fears, you name it, rob us of our value and our gifts intended just for that day.

Since Isaiah 54:17 reassures us that no weapon formed against us shall prosper, then it is my duty and responsibility to believe and walk out my faith trusting God at His Word.  This will require moving forward in great expectation and obedience so I may receive the deliverance from this weapon called depression however He chooses to orchestrate it.

God is faithful; He brought my deliverance and healing, but it was not without great cost and pain; the death of Jesus Christ.  I’d call it nothing short of a miracle.  Being healed by Jesus offers us a lifelong journey of hope and joy while giving us glimpses into what heaven will really be like. 

When we encounter this Great Love affair on a daily basis breathing, living and applying His Word to our lives, we become redeemed and transformed and our old strongholds and insecurities that genetically shackled us are removed and we become restored and renewed to being these Beautiful Beloveds God designed and created us to be.

It also helps us love others, even those that have brought us harm.  I want to live and love like 1 Corinthians 13 tells us; through kindness, humility, patience, and by being one who does not easily anger and holds no record of wrongdoing while seeing the best in others through the lens of the forgiveness that was bestowed upon me during the outpouring of love and redemption.

Having a relationship with the Lord changed my perception on who I was!  I finally belonged, to the King of kings and Lord of lords, mind you, and experienced the Love that we all yearn for; the Love I was even going to die for, but Jesus took my place instead and rescued me from myself.  This is called our Father’s Love!  He’s a good, good Father.

Until next time…

 

Living With Addiction Day 15 ~ Broken Behavior

Blameless Stairs to Freedom

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Shame

The Broken Behavior

Day 15 of 40

Wow, it seems like it’s been months since I last wrote.  Here I was on a roll and the typical tactics of the enemy intervened and attacked causing great pain.  Thankfully I will endure by fulfilling this 4o-day challenge as I press forward and remember where my strength comes from.  I just have to grab ahold of that life jacket filled with grace and tender mercies flowing from our Heavenly Father full of perseverance and power.  Can you relate?

Shame is a sad thing, isn’t it?  The broken behaviors that develop because of it, especially the insecurities, addictions and depression, are devastating!  My heart bleeds for my family members who live their lives hiding behind all that unmerited shame.  My wholehearted love and compassion especially grieves for the Beloved who was the blessed miracle that came from all the sin and shame and never understood her worth and value.  Not only can I identify with her on so many levels, but she was a precious gift and beautiful blessing.

So how has shame intervened in my life through all this broken behavior?  I know I eluded to it briefly in Day 14 that my life paralleled this broken behavior of shame through denial and the running from such problems so I guess that’s my intro into and navigation to start sharing another dark period of my life that was filled with deceit, infidelity, and many forms of abuse.  Abuse can be a really hard topic to talk about on a blog because its effects are so profound and stem from many facets concerning physical, verbal, sexual, financial and emotional abuse!   I will try my best.

I never could understand why some people could just walk up to me in the past and say that they could tell I was either a domestic violence warrior and/or survivor.  I mean, it’s not like I wore a T-shirt announcing such or even had it taped to my forehead, but…  The shame victims of abuse carry in either their body language, clothing, or mannerisms announce loudly what we often work so hard trying to cover up!   This is when being exposed and running naked is freedom at her finest hour!  Hallelujah!

Unless you’ve lived under some form of abuse, it is very hard to identify and understand the torture us precious souls are subjected to and live under.  It’s still a battle I visit every so often myself with some of my family; it makes me quiver and shake and want to throw up in believing I actually lived under that fear and control for decades.  I praise God for the severance of that cell of hell. 

It’s a hard cycle to break, and one in which requires awareness and sensitivity, and a whole lot of love and compassion; but we can all be healed by God’s Great Love through the sharing of our own stories and struggles.  Abuse is subtle and once it locks you up, the chains will hold you captive in a cell of hell with no window or door until you allow the Lord to sever that stronghold of shame and abuse.  I know, I lived in that cell of hell myself once upon a time.

It’s hard for people to conceive how hard it is to walk away from being in a cell of hell when that’s all you have ever known.  It’s hard to look at the removal and freedom of the shackles that once held you captive and are no longer a part of your life from entering that door of freedom with its doors wide open along with the warmth drawing you near.  That warmth and illumination flowing from the freedom outside those four walls is unfamiliar and scary because all you have ever known is the heaviness from the chill that has weighed you down and existed on the cell’s floor as you’ve crawled towards freedom.

Because healthy relationships and life inside the cell of hell never offered glimpses of paradise outside those four walls, many abuse victims never break free from the bondage of being a victim because, for one, they’re afraid; two, people just don’t talk about it due to shame and lack of awareness; and three, they do not realize what their worth and value is to society because they have never met Love Himself, Jesus Christ!  Their lives are based and built on shame.

Dealing with this stronghold of shame for deliverance meant, and will always mean, that my walk and reliance would solely be based on God and that I would need to learn how to go deeper with my lifelong interaction and relationship with Him, while relying on the promises of Jesus to break every chain holding my family captive through affliction.

Relying on God in times of stress and troubles are our only source of consolation and strength because this severance calls for a job that only Jesus can heal.  That’s where we get a glimpse of the majestic beauty that comes from the ashes of our pain this side of heaven!  Enjoy one of my favorites from Jesus Culture, There Is Power In The Name of Jesus; Break Every Chain!

Until next time, never forget…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!