Tag Archives: #grace

The Woman Who Walks With God…

Blameless Woman Who Walks With The Lord 2

…Will Always Reach Her Destination!

There’s something in the air or it’s that time of year again. Why all this hustle and bustle in early November? Maybe it’s a sense of entitlement or a lack of social etiquette? People are more rude, and they’ve become rather shrewd while loving to feud!

As I was running late to meet with an old friend for a dinner date, I could barely get halfway across the street before these trick-or-treat peeps decided to greet! These special peeps wanted to receive their treats that were more than just sweet; drug candy! Nothing was going to get in their way.

Always leave space for grace…

All I can say, there better be a day that I will get to vaycay. Maybe it’s time to wrap up the beach and put it underneath the tree and just be!

All I kept thinking to myself was: “Who let the animals out…”

As I wrapped my mind around this window of chaos and decided to continue across, my cell phone alerted me to a text message. It was my girlfriend canceling one minute before we were supposed to meet up for dinner.

Come on, one minute beforehand? What, you couldn’t have called thirty minutes beforehand when you were supposed to be in the car driving?

And then to text? This technological luxury has become an “out” for absolutely no accountability. What’s next, automatic replies?

Hmmm…

I got really angst because this reminded me of this girlfriend that had a tendency to do this repeatedly. One time she called and told me she was deathly ill and had to cancel, so I continued onto my day without much thought.

Then lo and behold, sitting at an intersection, I happened to look over and saw her driving a brand-new vehicle that everyone “but me” told her not to buy. In my heart, she is a big girl and it’s her life, so she can decide whether or not to splurge and buy herself a gift. I can only offer my opinion when asked.

Let me share, she almost had a stroke trying to run from me at that stoplight. I will forever laugh at how shame couldn’t get her from zero to sixty fast enough! Busted!

Something is wrong when we’re too ashamed or embarrassed to share our lives, gifts and blessings. It took her three weeks before she reached out after being busted. Friendships are supposed to celebrate the good times while supporting and helping one another shoulder the tough times, right?

I mean, I’ll jump in the passenger seat and get chauffeured around in your fancy-pants car any time; why be ashamed? No comparison or competition here, only celebration. I’m a beloved who’s had it all and lost it all.

I don’t want that kind of relationship with ANYONE. These comparisons and competitions are robbing us of beautiful friendships and lives full of peace and joy as we celebrate each other. Especially rejoicing with one another the blessings of God!

I don’t want the anxiety and anger that comes from dishonesty and guilt. If I have to prove myself to you, then that’s a relationship that is filled with deceit and betrayal. Where’s the freedom in love in that kind of arrangement?

The Bible exhorts us to “let your gentleness be evident to all…” (Philippians 4:5).

Blameless 1 Corinthians 13.13

 

When we sojourn in thriving relationships, we’re not going to be walking in opposite directions. We’re going to be traversing in the same direction. If we are not, then how are we supposed to hear each other and engage in life through intimacy in listening and sharing? Communication is vital to intimacy.

In today’s society, social media presence and “likes” seem to define our time, worth and value. God forbid, we should put our phones down for a couple hours! Are those hundreds of friends there when you’re sick? Do they really know what’s going on inside your bleeding heart that’s on the other side of the screen?

Are you freakin’ stinkin’ kidding me?

Isn’t that how we are with God? We just call upon Him when times are tough and then when that trial period concludes, we don’t think much about Him until the next catastrophe rolls in. Talk about a marriage of convenience! Prayer is not a flippant quickie; it’s a privilege!

Blameless Please Jesus Please 2

The woman who walks with God will ALWAYS reach her destination! She doesn’t walk away from Him once her needs have been met. Since she regularly walks with her Lord, she knows God’s deep mercies and tender heart. In fact, she mirrors His attributes because she walks so closely with Him each step of the way. 

God isn’t just a flippant prayer-for-relief line. God is our creator, the lover of our souls, the one who calls us His masterpieces and pursues us as His precious treasured daughters.

Life with God is more than a box of chocolates. It’s a journey where only One gets to carry the key to our lockets. We can radiate His Great Love and peace sojourning towards our destination until we walk through those pearly gates.

With all the beautiful festivities ahead, maybe we can emulate our Lord by spending time supporting and encouraging one another as we celebrate each other with grace and gratitude. We’re all trying to reach the finish line gracefully!

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

 

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Living With Addiction Day 6 ~ Drug of Choice

Blameless Long Road 1.1

Living With Addiction

Drug of Choice ~ Depression

Day 6 of 40

So how did this girl get here, you know, to this place of living with addiction and how am I breaking free from the bondage of the chains that have been holding my beautiful family captive for numerous generations?

I know many people are expecting me to say something exciting like I was a stripper that danced on tables at night and was a librarian during the day, and God bless those Beautiful Beloveds that have pulled themselves away from such darkness because it’s quite the testimony (I applaud and praise God for you ); but truth be known, mine is simple.

In high school I started developing habits and behaviors because of the generational strongholds of addiction, along with depression, that would lead me down a dark and painful life that would effect even my children and the lives of my precious grandchildren.

Yes, in high school I did do drugs, I did abuse alcohol, I started a 30-year habit smoking cigarettes and, yes, I even lost my virginity at such a tender age to a boy I thought loved me.  And to make matters worse, I was mocked and laughed at because I had not lost my virginity earlier.  Oh, the pain with longing to BELONG and be loved and accepted just the way we are through all our imperfections.  That void set me up for greater despair and suffering through the choices and decisions I would subsequently make.

If we’re really going to be honest here, even the “simple” or “forgotten” forms of addiction, such as cigarette smoking, kept me in isolation like many alcoholics and drug addicts which helped pave the way towards destruction.  It held me captive and a prisoner because I was embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to know I smoked.  Later on, what started out as a social kind of thing, being cool, wanting to fit in and BELONG, turned into an addiction.

Because I didn’t want anyone to know I smoked, I became a closet smoker.  Addiction is subtle and it holds us captive because once we start isolating and hiding ourselves and/or removing ourselves from either people or activities because of shame, much like people who engage in pornography, the enemy has won and therein lies its bondage.  No disrespect to all the cigarette smokers out there, but it has you held a prisoner in a cell of hell and smell!

Smoking is a great example of addiction because it stopped me from going places, enjoying meaningful relationships with friends and/or embracing healthy, new peeps and experiences that could enrich and offer me a healthier lifestyle.  Instead I ended up choosing friendships with people who were addicts in one way or another, just like my dysfunctional makeup.  Only my close friends and family knew I smoked.

I married a man who was amazing, but was so tortured himself, he died with nothing but a Vodka bottle in his hand.  I was even a marathon runner and still smoked four cigarettes a day until I quit; that’s how controlling it was.  Healthy runners do not associate with smokers; that is, if they find out!  Shame at her finest hour…

Because of my disgust of the smell, I would immediately wash my hands and brush my teeth and spray perfume after I came inside the house from having a cigarette.  Now you might understand why I am known for “always smelling good.”  Obsessive Compulsive Disgust is a better term!  I’m still carrying that veil of shame, some might say, because the habit of always wanting to smell good didn’t stop when the smoking did.

My living with addiction and drug of choice was depression.  Drugs and alcohol could not fulfill that void.  The drugs might have stopped in high school, but I continued to drink within the realms of being “socially acceptable.”  Whatever that means!  With my family’s co-dependency on addiction, whether through alcohol, work or just about everything else for that matter, I have to be especially proactive and cognizant of my behaviors and reasoning for why I’m even having a glass of wine.

As I shared last year, I fell into the pit of hell with depression.  Even though I often appeared happy, I was a person who was living behind the facade of pain; slashing her wrists several times in a desperate attempt to leave this life.  When those attempts proved futile, I drove myself off a cliff slamming into the side of the ocean’s surrounding cliff landing onto the beach floor, finding myself in critical condition with nothing left but my remains that had to be meticulously scraped from the twisted metal of what was once called a vehicle.  For one thing, it was nothing short of a miracle that I survived.

With that said, since we’re going to start delving into the mountainous terrain of what molded me into who I am today, we’ll stop here and pick back up next time.  Please enjoy and be blessed with this amazing song that exemplifies my life through it all called “It is well…”

Until tomorrow…

 

Living With Addiction

Blameless Long Road 1.1

Living With Addiction

Day 1 of 40

Whoa… pretty powerful and dark stuff, huh?  Just typing those words makes me shutter and shake.  Painful stuff!  I can feel the heat arising from the flaming arrows of judgment and condemnation.  Ouch!  Writing those few words has my anxiety and defense mechanism sky high, my heart palpitating, armpits sweating (and it’s 40 degrees outside) along with tears projecting down my face!  It’s through pain beauty is established!

If we all dare to be honest, we are all living with addiction through some vice or another so let’s take off those cast-iron horns (they’re mine ); because it’s so much more than the presumed drugs-and-alcohol scenario.  We can’t forget about the addiction in being a workaholic; sexual gratification, pornography; food, smoking; sleeping pills; the internet; money, prestige, power, image; and performance; you name it!  We all live under the bondage of addiction in some way or another so let’s come humbled and together so we can relate with one another in the comforts of our own bleeding hearts.

Addiction is a powerful enemy that creeps into our lives and families so subtle, yet no one even notices it at first.  The person who is imprisoned by this disease infects more people than those who love and know them.  This disease is like a viper who latches on and infiltrates generations to come and holds them all captive until someone is willing to stand firm and tall and demand enough is enough!  In my own words, fighting this demon is not considered or called strength; this is severance W-O-N purely by the grace of God and mercy only!

Who really suffers and dies this side of heaven with addiction rearing its ugly head, the addict or the loved ones?  What about future generations?  Addiction is a form of mental illness so we really need to help each other walk through it rather than deny it by sweeping itBlameless Addiction underneath the rug and pretending it doesn’t exist with the infamous “What would people say syndrome?”  A parent’s addiction from several generations past spews all kinds of damage from the addict ranging from depression to anger and/or shame.  Addicts do bizarre things without even being conscience of their behavior because it’s never been called out before and it is presumed “normal”! 

I’ve been challenged to share my own struggles in what living with addiction has done throughout its infection on my own family tree through the personal trials of what it has brought forth that I promised last year I would share.  In being held accountable through my own words, I have been challenged for 40 straight days, eight full weeks, to sever the control of fear that has held me captive for over 50 years and be a voice of experience. 

Let’s get one thing straight:  I am proud of my family, who I am and where I came from, my lineal heritage; that’s the beauty in being who God designed me to be!  There is no casting blame or stones here!  It will be shared and testified through love, sometimes anger, no matter how painful or honest the Truth beholds, with raw and transparent emotions and experiences to help bring awareness to how an individual can break free from all the generational curses and strongholds in order to claim the healing for future generations.  It’s our responsibility to care today!  This smile you see daily was developed through the freedom of the many layers of pain and byproducts of addiction all because of the love of Christ! 

Since God has brought purpose and beauty from the ashes of my pain, it was hard to find one common denominator that linked everything together except for one commonality:  Addiction!  Yes, suicidal tendencies are a byproduct and even an association of addiction.  That link took me over 35 years to figure out!  Every family has it.  It’s becoming hugely obvious in society today that awareness and education of mental illness is gravely needed, but it’s up to all of us to own up to our own participation and choices by understanding how to live a healthy lifestyle and how not to be complacent, even acceptant, of the demon that breeds so subtly.

Addiction is not just limited to alcohol and drugs, but addiction breeds shame and depression, along with being a workaholic; it breeds aggression and anger; being emotionally absent (present in form only); even obesity; it breeds deep and paralyzing insecurities, instability, and FEAR.  Addiction breeds pain, no matter how you look at it, and we need to start sharing with each other how to find hope, how to hang onto that hope that sets us and our loved ones free and how to embrace the changes needed for victory!

I’m going to share how the addiction and the powerful byproducts and encounters with the venomous viper not only latches onto the addict, but also through the lens and frame that the torment and pain brings to the living family and innocent future generations.  I will be sharing stories as a child, a woman, a wife, a mother, and a grandmother Monday through Friday, with keeping Tuesdays devoted solely to Tammy Tangent Tuesdays’ challenges, because Tuesdays are all about us (me, me, me! ).  Us Beautiful Beloveds need to know how amazing we are.  If we choose to reach out and serve in the community, great; but right now let us Be-Loved and Be-Held and Be-Healed!

Please pray for me as this will be a difficult journey filled with extreme abandonment as I get out of the boat and walk on the water.  And it’s deep!  I don’t want to preach, I want to share and relate with my heartfelt pain.  It’s going to be hard to share my pain, but it’s all for the glory of God and to let others know out there they’re not alone.

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!