Tag Archives: #motherslove

I’ll Hold You As Long As It Takes…

I’ll Hold You As Long As It Takes…

I stood there shocked in disbelief. Every single one of the doctor’s words spoken were unintelligible, framed in slow-motioned lip slices to this mama’s hemorrhaging heart.

When our world turns upside down AND implodes!

Hearing tragic news literally jolts your world. It scars and cuts like a knife. It shakes and rocks your world more violent than a 7.5 earthquake.

The doctor’s rushed encounter causes sheer terror. Extreme panic and shock sets in. Only divine and supernatural intervention can restore.

Your hands cup the disbelief along with salty tears released from the ducts of Hoover Dam. You collapse to the ground because your weight becomes too much to bear by yourself. 

As your body folds onto the cold cement floor of the E.R. doorway, your focus zooms to the feet scurrying by and the relentless, torturing, alarm sounds going off from medical devices sustaining lives triggering major PTSD.

Code Blue, Room 2!

The coolness from the floor can’t compete with what’s burning through your heart and mind.  The branding sears, “Code Blue, Room 2; Code Blue, Room 2.”

My mind races back 25 years as I cradle this beautiful blue-eyed baby boy with the sweetest white hair that I spiked up like Bart Simpson.

The joy this mama’s heart pondered hearing what a beautiful baby he was from those passing by; though their initial reactions were that he was a girl because he was such a beautiful porcelain-skinned doll. It didn’t matter, he was my beautiful baby.  He was God’s medical miracle.

Cradling him back and forth became a coping mechanism that would offer him comfort throughout his life.

Setting them free…

My beautiful blessings

Miracles…

I wish I could go back and hold him forever as I squish and caress his porky feet.

Only us mamas can appreciate our infatuations with our children’s feet.

Dislike feet?  Stinky and gross?

Me, too.  That is, until I gave birth to my children.

Suddenly two feet layered in Red Wings and blue slip covers slide into my uncharted pool of tears. I’m agitated because they’re occupying my “personal space,” even though I lay dormant on the hospital’s floor. 

After hearing repeated “Ma’ams,” this fully bearded, piercing dark eyes and haired man wearing a white kippah squats down and squares me right in the face. His lips begin to move, but I can no longer make sense of anything after the explosion of tragedy hit my brain.

I laid there comatose until his physical touch stroking my hair away from my face did my senses start to re-emerge.

He offers to help me up, but due to the paralysis from all the fear and dread and the lack of courage to face reality, he scoops me up into his arms instead and pulls me out of the deadly traffic jam in front of Trauma Room 2.

No sooner than hearing the beat of another’s heart, my eyes fell laser-focused onto the huge lifeless squishy feet hanging over the hospital gurney as many doctors and nurses were performing CPR, inserting tubes and IV’s into my lifeless blue son.

The adrenaline from the broken heart leaped me out of the chaplain’s arms and off the floor as loud battle cries from heaven wailed, causing the medical team to pull the curtain closed.

The chaplain catches me again, pulling me away from the room.

When your visualization is a lifeless baby boy, who may be 6’5″, but who is blue and not responding to medical attention being rendered, your eyes and mind focus intuitively on what’s outside the drawn curtain for survival. 

You frame each second onto the surroundings; his blood on the floor, the fluid bags and needle wrappings and the horrible sounds coming from the trauma team who is now holding your baby boy as long as it takes.

God’s Great Love reaches down to hold me tight through this amazing Jewish Chaplain named Joe. God comforts me through Joe saying, “I’ll hold you as long as it takes” along with scripture from Deuteronomy 31:6:

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

God was faithful in sustaining me. His words are branded forever in my heart and mind, “I’ll hold you as long as it takes.”

And through a life that’s cleaved to those beautiful words, even when there hasn’t been an expected and good ending, I trust my Father God to pick me up and carry me through every tragedy and loss that comes my way.

As far as this 6’5″ baby boy, his striking blue eyes still pierce this mama’s heart with love and strong, yet tender, hugs. This day ended well!

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

When Your Child Asks For Prayer!

A Labor Of Love…

A Mother Holds Her Child’s Hand, For Just A Short Time, But Holds Their Hearts Forever!

As I sat in the chilling and all-too-familiar courtroom making small talk with the surrounding attorneys, fear of doom ushered me right into a place of needed defibrillation. My broken heart could not restore stable rhythm. These palpitations were caused merely by fear!

This courtroom battle is tied with an umbilical cord all around it.

I cherish these rare glimpses of his presence. They fill my depleted heart with warmth and comfort that only he can deliver. I couldn’t wait for this sustainable joy to be released throughout the courtroom when his presence entered.

You see, this joystick I was waiting for is packaged in a 6’5″ bundle of sunshine shackled in chains along with a bright orange county jail uniform. Those brief two- to three-second eye contacts with “I love you, mom” mutters had become the norm and the only visualization I would be blessed with each month for 14 straight months. 

I became more acquainted with every inch of his blonde hairline and the back of his head that I once cupped and rubbed as I nursed him, along with witnessing his body language displaying defeat and despair. Weekly visits consist of 30-minute video visitations where I try and share the love with matching colors. Blondes do look great in orange!

Blameless Sons

From the outside, this photograph above that was taken at Disneyland almost 20 years ago portrays a beautiful family happily on a treasured holiday. What you don’t see is the pain behind the facades painted so brightly. We were as tight and challenged as The Three Musketeers, but without the help emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially from a father figure and familial support, the tight rope became weakened and the roles somehow became displaced.

The payback for surviving this labor of love is oftentimes bittersweet. One must undergo grueling pain and hopelessness before the miraculous occurs!

My heart leans into my source of peace and power for the electrical stimulation to jolt my heart back into normal sinus rhythm by remembering the story of Hagar and Ishmael in the book of Genesis. They were basically cast away, cut off, because they threatened the heir with their existence.

As Hagar leaned in and called out to God in her distress, God met her right where she was and comforted her. She called God “El-Roi,” which in the original Hebrew tongue means “The God who sees” (Genesis 16:13).

Blameless Jail

I don’t know where you are today, but you are seen by God!

In this bizarre season of despair and fear the past 14 months just waiting for a court trial date, knowing your son feels unseen, worthless, not understood, nor defended, rips this mother’s heart to the core because there’s nothing I can do anymore except to trust the One who is writing my son’s story and to love and support him all I can.

I can do this because I know the Lord hears my relentless cries and pleas for help similar to how God heard Hagar in Genesis 16. God met Hagar right where she was. God continues to meet me right where I am.

People judge. People ostracize. Family ridicules and forsakes. Church members gossip. People fear you. Friends walk away. People demand YOU SHOULD BE DOING X, Y and Z, but fail to do anything except criticize and point fingers. Families divide.

Where’s the Love?

Whatever happened to “innocent until proven guilty” and “unconditional love”?

God is meeting my son right where he is. This wilderness is exactly the place where my son is seen by God. Not only seen, but now my son understands, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

He can’t run or hide from God in jail. All he can do is look up and see how much God loves him and accepts him just the way he is. He is finally seeing that there is nothing he has to do to be loved by God. It’s not by belief systems, performance, denomination, works, conformity, you name it. His life matters and is worthy to be loved.

I no longer follow the Lord out of fear;

Instead, I follow the Lord out of Love!

I have walked quite a journey with the Lord; learning to follow Him through Love rather than follow Him out of fear. I have learned the meaning behind God’s attributes; His heart, His grace, His deep mercies and His will over time. He has never forsaken me. I am able to trust Him like a child in His provision.

There is nothing more torturous, more indescribable, than the shame and guilt a mother often feels when her child does something wrong, says the wrong thing, doesn’t act a certain way, or cannot fulfill society’s standard of perfection.

When a mother has to come to terms with the imperfections and the incomprehensible conduct of a world demanding perfection with no shortage of flaming arrows of torture, emotional darts of judgment and/or condemnation, life can be brutal at best.

With so much hate in the world, how does one scurry up enough compassion and devotion when your life feels defeated and hopeless?

God knew the solution to my need because He saw me. In simple words, my son said, “Mom, will you pray for me? I need those prayers!”

Mom, will you pray for me? I need those prayers!

The strength found in this umbilical cord that is sustaining and holding together this labor of love is powerful… Power of Prayer!

Ask a mother who’s been pushed to her knees due to a corrupt justice system, excessive force within our correctional facilities, bullying from law enforcement usurping their power and authority, and carrying shame and disgrace from the casting of judgment and condemnation.

I am not going to fear our story, especially when we’re right smack in the middle of it!

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

When A Mama’s Heart Is Broken

When A Mama’s Heart Is Broken! 

Don’t You Ever Touch My Son!

 

All I can do today besides cry and pray is to blog:  “Don’t you EVER touch my son!” 

And I mean ever…  Ever again…  NEVER!!!  And may I repeat, EVER AGAIN!

When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!  And that’s an understatement.  Don’t ever cross paths or get in the way of a mama bear protecting her young.  Only a mother’s love can shield her young.  And that “young” includes grown men, too.  To this mama, he’ll forever be my baby boy. 

My heart is broken and filled with justifiable anger.  Why do people slander others?  You either need Jesus or a job; probably both!

Words from another are maliciously and methodically attacking my child.  Why do people insist on talking about others and acting like gossip is an acceptable thing to do?  If you even knew my son, which you don’t, you would never speak such ill words.

Gossip is destructive and even more powerful than any nuclear war or tsunami could deliver in wiping out a nation much sooner than any national disaster could. 

The words spoken from our mouths reveal our faith!

Precious beloveds, there is already way too much devastation in this world.  People need more love, not hate.  My God, take those torturous daggers and flaming arrows and throw them in the pit of hell.  The fruit of Thy Mouth loudly announces your faith.  Fruit produces L-O-V-E!!! 

Beloved, you are hurting my Lord.  It’s obvious that your heart needs healing.  Please stop justifying non-believers’ opinions as to why they want nothing to do with Christianity!

Gossip hurts.  My son needs support and love, not the lies that are pouring out of your mouth.  Where’s the love?

Why do some Christians believe that gossip is not a sin and totally acceptable and forget that its penalties carry the same as adultery and murder?

I lean heavily on what the Bible says especially when it emphasizes the rarity in sharing what God hates.  Proverbs 6:16-19 says:

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a person who stirs up conflict in the community. 

Please write these words on the tablet of your heart because you are fulfilling all but one that God hates through your gossip.  All you’re doing is hurting my Lord and my son who has received enough destructive comments.

You can talk about me all you want because what you think of me does not change who I am, nor what I was called to do, or where my worth and value derive from.  I am loved and a daughter of the King of kings with royal blood running through my veins.  You cannot change that no matter how hard you try.

But… when it’s regarding my sons, this just confirms the fact as to why people want nothing to do with Jesus and those of us who radiate His Great Love.  Stop!  You’re giving my Lord a bad wrap and His Love took enough of a horrific and torturous death for our sins. 

Piss me off, but remember what Jesus said in Matthew 7:21 about walking out our faith:

Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord, will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?  Then I will tell them plainly:

I never knew you.  Away from me, you evildoers!

God does not will hate or gossip.  Quite the contrary!  God wills love!  Maybe you could start utilizing your energy by praying and asking our Lord for His forgiveness and learn from Jesus how you can build up others instead of tearing them down.  Your words are hurtful and full of lies. 

Since you are attacking my child, obviously you have a problem with me because you’re still talking about us.  If I did something to you, let’s talk so you can find peace and quit tarnishing someone who is already dealing with enough tragedy.

I pray you will take that “extra time” that you have and read what the Word actually says.  I am choosing to believe that you just do not know Jesus like you proclaim looking down that rather long nose of yours!

Living out our faith requires humility, patience and being trained up and equipped.  Others will know that we love Jesus and are His disciples simply by our love for one another (John 13:35) while forgiving others for the words that flow from their mouths and actions.  Love does not include back-biting and gossiping and being involved where we have no place, nor belong.  Jesus’ disciples mirror love like He did. 

God gives.  God gave us Jesus as an outpouring of His Love and His beloveds follow His example.  Let’s pour out love into others’ lives.  Being poured out is not taking away or stripping another of their dignity and self-worth.  Words are powerful and should not be used as a weapon.

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

 

Denial versus Reality ~ Day 25 of 40

blameless-jail-2

Denial versus Reality

A Mother’s Grieving Heart

Day 25 of 40

Almost half the day had elapsed before the choking awakened the corpse gasping for breath.  As I struggled to get up to entice my comatose body to naturally react with a deep breath, the tickle stuck between my swollen tonsils grabbed ahold of the air bubbles just enough to satisfy the depleted oxygen.  Upon arousal, the air bubbles trudged wearily ahead through what seemed like a mirage from the lungs of a heavy smoker.  The coughing hurt and it needed to be stilled.  As I grabbed the glass of water to soothe my parchment, the time on the clock reflected 11:38 a.m.

Once the quieting was accomplished with the ahem, the normal rhythm of consistency transpired.  What is the first thing a person does the moment their eyes peel open in this technological-dependent era?  Yep, grab their cell phones!  Though my vision was greatly impaired due to illness, what my eyes saw quickly jolted this woman into crisis mode:  Seven missed calls, twenty-three text messages, and twelve instant messenger messages, and it wasn’t even noontime.

My heart quickly reacted by viewing the senders of the numerous messages.  I saw that many were mainly sprinklings of love sustaining me through this sickness to which I exhaled with praises to God for the outpouring of love.  But almost simultaneously, a knot developed in my throat restricting the natural flow due to the sender of several messages; my son’s girlfriend.

Receiving messages from your son’s girlfriend shouldn’t warrant the anxiety and fear that this mama felt.  Sadly, this relationship was strained due to unhealthy behaviors and lacking the understanding and respect to agree to disagree.  When there was communication, it required a whole lot of grace and mercy to endure.  This mama’s heart was usually willing and able with this tribe, but with healthy boundaries.  My tender heart believes with God’s Love that we can and will conquer villages, especially those filled with broken peeps!  The text message was something like:

Tammy please call me, very urgent.

Hello???

It is regarding your son.

My mind immediately flashed back to this time a year ago.  With lightening speed, someone who was once vital and healthy spent a period of another year living in and out of hospitals.  There is nothing worse than watching your child suffer with a disease that is not only debilitating, but uncontrollable and life threatening.  There were days, weeks, even months when I thought the Lord was going to heal my son by taking him home to heaven like his father.

Without notice, the floodgates of tears opened wide and started pouring down my cheeks.  Once shock mode took back seat, I frantically scurried about trying to listen to my phone messages.  The messages quickly dressed my heart with chaplain armor and prayer; equipping me with radar speed to hear the dreaded words that I thought I would never hear.

My heart solemnly reiterates, how could this be when I praise God daily that “as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:14)?  The kryptonite explosion from those painful words immediately stripped me of my Super Hero Mommy outfit and left me naked and exposed. 

This is where we fall to our knees into disbelief.  Reality versus Denial!  Denial is easier because reality hurts like hell.  Without your Super Hero Mommy Outfit, all that is left is a puddle of tears, remorse, fear, shame, guilt, d-e-n-i-a-l!!!  Where’s your crown and royal blood when you’re hanging over the toilet?  The news is way too painful to handle so you scream…  You inhale and scream some more…  You exhale while your heart explodes and you fall on your knees exclaiming…

Really, God?  This is how you’re going to bring about healing and restoration?  Where’s the HOPE in that deliverance?

Many emotions occupy my bad neighborhood (mindset) while controlling my weak, overwhelmed and burdened persona.  The daunting and torturing flaming arrows that relentlessly attack my armor quickly demand that because of this destructive event, I should cease my love and trust in the Lord all because my son made an exceedingly bad judgment call reacting that hurt others that will forever effect the rest of his life due to the subsequent repercussions. 

Hurt people hurt others and anger is as much a part of mental illness as depression and living with addiction is.  Generational strongholds rear their ugly heads!  All eyes and judgment may lean on us mamas, but we must never lose sight during these times because of what Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”  

Our sons and daughters need love and support and encouragement to face the consequences of their bad decisions.  This is never the time to turn our backs, no matter what anyone says.  Isn’t that what the Lord calls all of us to do; forgive others just as we have been forgiven?  We don’t forget, but we can still love.  Love conquers all. 

I know many mamas out there who are hurting right alongside of me and somehow or another claim and hold onto the guilt of what their children have done.  Seriously, we cannot carry the burden of our children’s conduct and decisions.  Jesus already suffered the consequences of those sins to set us free.  Let’s utilize that wasted time and energy beating ourselves up by devoting it to prayer and remembering we’re not to grieve with shame; that “the joy of the Lord will be our strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).

Let’s unite with love, support and encourage our children to be the amazing individuals God designed them to be while walking alongside of them remembering the battle belongs to the Lord (2 Chronicles 20:15) and that God is the author of their lives and is writing their testimony, no matter how painful it is.

Until next time…

♥ Thank You For Being Beautiful & Amazing You