Tag Archives: #shame

Dear Younger Me…

Blameless Dear Younger Me

Blameless Dear Younger Me 4

… I Forgive You!

Every Decision To Live For God Will NEVER Leave You With Regrets!

Dear Younger Me…

I forgive you for not loving, even abhorring, the beautiful beloved God created you to be…

I forgive you for living your life trying to blend in and be accepted where you did not belong…

I forgive you for believing that you had to do anything but “Just Be” to be loved…

I forgive you for trying to look and act like others while burying the uniqueness, the value and the qualities your true self radiates…

I forgive you for giving away your innocence and purity to a boy who was dared and did not care…

I forgive you for hiding underneath your umbrella of protection due to the insecurities built around rejection…

I forgive you for allowing fear to cheat and defeat you…

I forgive you for allowing the lies of the enemy to rule over your life, thereby living in strife…

I forgive you for not prancing through the poppy flower fields and for not dancing everywhere you pleased…

I forgive you for not believing you are enough as you plowed through the rough stuff…

I forgive you for trying to question and destroy the life that God intended as His prized possession…

I forgive you for every slash of your wrist that you could not resist to prove you did exist…

I forgive you for calling down the rapture as you drove yourself off that cliff that God decided to capture…

I forgive you for not living, laughing and loving instead of striving…

I forgive you for not fulfilling your marital vows promising to love until death do you part instead of drilling…

I forgive you for believing you must perform and conform in order to be loved…

I forgive you for allowing your life to be buried and wasted underneath every shovel full of shame and guilt instead of being carried during this game…

I forgive you for believing you were not worthy of unconditional love…

I forgive you for allowing being orphaned to be equated with an abortion…

I forgive you for every assault and violation that you felt you deserved to receive…

I forgive you for not standing up and demanding your voice be heard in objecting to your uncle’s constant hands all over your body that resembled more like worms squirming through dirt…

I forgive you for choosing alcohol, drugs, depression and denial as a vice to numb the pain instead of embracing God’s peace and grace…

I forgive you for having to lay down on the bed just to zip up your jeans…

Blameless Tight Jeans or Friendship

I forgive you for NEVER wanting to wear those jeans again… (Yep, that’s what it looks like!)

I forgive you for your mistakes and failures and feeling like a disgrace…

I forgive you for not believing that you are chosen, pursued and loved beyond measure that would have ushered God’s favor of healing into motion…

These imperfections, mistakes and failures are what led you to be the beautiful beloved you are; one that is pursued after and one whom is highly favored by our Lord and Savior.

Without these imperfections, choices and decisions, you would have missed out having this relationship with our Lord, not knowing or receiving His grace and tender mercies, much less embracing the beauty derived from the alchemy of transformation that salvation offers.

God gave and forgave much so you could see the strong, joyful, bold and courageous beloved that you are today in being His prized possession!

For that I am grateful!

One last thing: I do forgive you for living a life without God. Now you embrace with grace knowing every decision to live for God will never leave you with regrets!

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

Blameless Living For God

Threesomes Are Never Okay! Ask Hagar and Sarah!

Blameless Pulling A You

Shame Leaves You Feeling Utterly Alone and Forsaken!

Genesis 16

As the beautiful nurse attempted another I.V., she said, “Hey, you’re a chaplain, right?”  My reply, “Well, once a chaplain, always a chaplain, I guess,” not knowing where she was going. 

As she slammed the needle into my vein, she inquired rather nonchalantly, “It’s okay to give my man a threesome for his birthday, right?”

I nervously laughed and replied, “I know I’m a hard prick, but you almost made me pee my pants.” 

Then nothing but still silence

Can I hear awkward? 

It gets worse.

She wasn’t kidding either!

She continued, “I’m serious.  I mean, he’s my husband and in the old days men had many wives.  I’m kind of bi-curious anyways, so…”

Bi-curious???

I looked both ways, expecting my medical team to come out and scream, “Surprise!  You should have seen your face.”  They didn’t, and she was dead serious. 

God tells us to be ready and know what His Word says in and out of season, but this upset me.  Where’s our moral compass?  I’m trying not to judge here.

All I could do was grumble underneath my breath for God to give me “wisdom.” 

I shared how hard it was on me when my husband had numerous affairs and the damaging effects it had on our marriage and children along with sharing the lasting effects that the threesome related in Genesis 16 delivered. 

Threesomes are never okay.  Besides the obvious reasons, when a man is with another woman, a scornful woman generally retaliates!  You can’t run from the effects; just ask Hagar and Sarah.  It led to shame and feelings of despair for all parties, not to mention the cursing onto future generations!

Sarah’s friends got on the bandwagon by mocking Sarah for having a barren womb that was considered a disgrace in those days and encouraged her to fulfill this void, this “promised” descendant through another woman.  This lure prompted Sarah to take matters into her own hands and forego waiting on God’s timetable.  She reacted by seeking out another woman into her marriage bed.

Who needs friends like that???

As my friends know all too well, I may be wounded and joyful and can relate with the best because of it, but there are times that what flows out from my mouth needs some filtering, and in a girlie kind-of-silly way!  Just don’t let a tall, dark drink of water walk by.  I may be old, but I am far from dead!

Anyhoo…  Truth be told, with the selfish, spoiled brat side that is constantly at war with the loving and gracious side of me, I was at a loss for words.  Shock turned into embarrassment and then I became flustered which led me agitated with my medical team prompting my snap.

Do you get that way?  Please tell me you do.

As of late, with being overdue for my Florida vaycay that seems to constantly be pushed off, it appears I’m having more and more of those days where even the slightest squeak of a mouse sets me off. 

With my mind bouncing and spinning, spending way too much time occupying the wrong hood (bad neighborhood mindset), the exhaustion is setting in and the demands vying for my attention are making me feel more like I need an exorcism performed than the much-needed rest.

Normally I would scream and get on top of a chair when encountering the tiny varmint, but right now since I’m in THAT MOOD, I am ready to get down on my hands and knees and go whisker to whisker with these dirty little rats who appear to be having way too much fun!

Why when we get in a funk, in that lonesome place, where we hide underneath our covers or isolate behind closed doors engaging in our own pity parties, feeling like we’re not good enough or even loved, do we run away from our problems instead of facing them head on all because of Master Guilt and Shame?  We want to be validated, but…

Maybe it’s because we intervene and run ahead of God’s timetable like Sarah and Abraham because we’re such control freaks.  We forget to trust and call out to the One who knows exactly what we’re thinking (scary!) and loves us just the way we are and FORGIVES! 

We have a good, good Father; the One who loves us and promises never to leave or forsake us.  He cherishes us, even gets jealous for us as He chases us down just to pour love into our depleted and dry bones.  He understands our mistakes and needy minds that are in search of the Living One who sees us. 

Wanting a threesome is similar to what Hagar and Sarah did.  After the fact, their void and rushing ahead of God’s timetable turned into being ashamed, despised and rejected due to their actions while they both pointed the finger at others for the subsequent repercussions. 

Hagar ran away and hid while partaking in a pity party.  But God saw her and her pain and He received her.  The desperation in being a substitute wife; talk about shame!

We all run ahead and give up on God’s timetable from time to time when it doesn’t appear He is working or fast enough or when life seems dull.

If you think giving your husband over to another woman to conceive an heir is going to tap into God’s promises while proving your girlfriends wrong, you need a couple of Xanax and a couple of beers partying with the mice! 

Sarah strikes out and blames Abraham for succumbing to peer pressure and the subsequent mess instead of humbly accepting her involvement in prompting this mess.  She even proclaims, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering.  I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me” (Genesis 16:5). 

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!