Tag Archives: #suicide

I’m A Party Just Waiting To Happen…

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I’m A Party Just Waiting To Happen!

All At Once I Came Alive…

Out of the shadows,

bound for the gallows

A dead man walking

till Love came calling.

Rise up!

Six feet under,

I thought it was over.

An answer to prayer,

the voice of a Savior…

Rise up!

All at once I came alive.

This beating heart, these open eyes.

The grave let go.

The darkness should have known,

You’re still rolling stones…”

 

I am my Beloved’s and He is more than mine!

My name is Tammy Ingram and I’m a party just waiting to happen!  Don’t believe me?  Come rejoice with me as we celebrate these truths through daily profession that are written in the Word of God about US (God’s chosen beloveds) and you’ll understand where my obnoxious optimism and joy comes from!

I’m a party just waiting to happen; filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy waiting to pop (1 Peter 1:8)!  Angels rejoice over me (Luke 15:10) as the demons flee in pure terror (James 4:7).  Ha!  Top that off, the Lord God Almighty Himself dances over me as He serenades me with His Love (Zephaniah 3:17).  You see, I am chosen by God (John 15:16) and this beloved not only has favor with man and understanding, but F-A-V-O-R with the Lord God Almighty (Luke 2:52).  Hello! 

I mean, I am called His Work of Art, His Masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10), after all.  Even before the creation of the world, I was planned and chosen (Ephesians 1:4).  I am always on my Lord’s mind and He thinks about me constantly (Psalms 139:17-18), which is probably why I’m considered the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8). 

And no, God is N-O-T thinking about putting me in a straitjacket either! 

I lack no good thing (Psalm 34:10) and I was predestined for success by none other than the Lord God Almighty Himself (Romans 8:28-30).  I am placed and seated with God, a royal priesthood, chosen by God as His very own.  My value comes from being the KING’S daughter with royal blood running through my veins, part of His chosen generation, peculiar people we are (1 Peter 2:9), and NOT from my own achievements.

Meditating on these TRUTHS should be a part of our daily regimen and dance (worship).  Talk about a confidence builder, knowing where to run for safety and refuge and where to pick up and receive this treasure trove reminding us of our worth and value being God’s pursued child.  Speaking and prophesying God’s promises over our lives so we DO NOT BELIEVE the LIES of the enemy that so easily entangle us!

And as my fav Lisa Bevere said, “God has a way of taking every bad choice, every misstep and redeeming it, not just for our future, but for the benefit of others.”

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Look up, child!  God’s still rolling stones… 

You might start understanding where my joy comes from.  Stick around!  It won’t take long.  I can’t wait until you’re able to look into the mirror and see who God created: Beautiful You!

This is why I’ve decided to share and publish each week my commitment in reaching and teaching our amazing homeless beloveds this Bible study I’m writing called God’s Great Love Changes Everything!

Introducing the love of our Father through the magnificent works of the Holy Spirit’s transformation is simply believing and experiencing what the Bible says about us daily through application.  There’s so much love, contentment and healing to be experienced this side of heaven. 

Removing our veils of shame; acknowledging and believing who we were created to be is powerful; filled with joy, laughter and lots of celebratory dancing…

Celebrating Each Other

There’s no competition here.  This CEO considers the acronym CEO to mean Celebrating Each Other. 

I was once so tired trying to belong and fit in and be accepted anywhere and everywhere with whomever, I resolved to suicidal tendencies, even driving off a 350-foot cliff.  Nothing short of miraculous being alive today!  Trying to perform and conform to society’s standards just to be loved and accepted is exhausting, isn’t it?

This might help shed light on why I wrote Rejection Is Merely A Redirection last year.

We all just want to be loved, find where we fit in, you know, that place of belonging that says we’re enough just the way we are (beautiful enough, smart enough, sophisticated enough, loved enough), being seen and acknowledged that our lives do matter.  No judgment and/or condemnation here.  Blameless’ motto:  There is no shame in our game; Jesus is His Name!

Just ask my grown sons who are 26 and 33; they’ll agree, I’m one crazy Grammy Tammy!

Blameless Mama's Boys

Your life is a party waiting to happen!  We’re all in this together.  Nothing would make me happier than hearing you tap into these truths while living them out.  One blossoming, confident beloved!

If you follow us each week with your Bible, you’ll experience through laughter, sometimes even raw and candid vulnerability, transformation ushering in celebration as these truths become part of your own makeup.

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Until next time…

Thank You For Being…

Blameless A Beautiful You Event

Stopped Me Dead In My Tracks To Be God’s Hands And Feet

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Stopped Me Dead In My Tracks To Be God’s Hands And Feet

Today started like any other day.  Awakened with joy and gratitude, but dreading another long day being over committed.  Those last few moments of sleep cuddled around my pillow were screaming my name!  But the heightened enticement from the delicious morsels of more sleep lost their battle to sprint the hurdles of the ticking clock.

Appointments versus Being Present 

It’s hard to prioritize our lives when the clock ticks faster than each footstep.  I don’t glide like I used to.  Strength and speed have been replaced with substance and snap.  I long to master how to navigate the constant and rapid changes that occur with the snap, but I’m working on it.  Work in progress!

Once my prayers were finished and released, I made a flippant request to my Lord asking Him to show me somebody today that would stop me dead in my tracks who needed His love and affirmations to remind me of how desperate and alone I was 37 years ago that would trigger the mania to tragically end my life. 

It’s hard to share about depression through the loneliness and desperation when you can’t quite remember what that looked like.  Sure, I get depressed at times, we all do; but to be that desperate and all alone, that is something that required probing back into my underbellies.

I seem to forget to practice what I preach, because I sure would be a lot more selective in my prayers and petitions to the Lord.  I either fail to hear myself making these flippant requests on a maxed-out schedule as if I was emulating the Pharisees to look more holy or I arrogantly pour out prayers to make myself look better in front of God.  I mean, God knows our motives; so…

The day shifted and howled similar to the blazing north winds.  Upon exiting the medical center to leave behind the news that ushered me into frenzy, my mind occupied residency in the bad neighborhood.  That deadly hood needs barricading.

Due to being upset with the doctors and the shuffling of appointments that I was now late for, I failed to notice this man who shocked life back into me by jumping out of nowhere into the sidewalk before me.  The fright caused from being winded forced a pathetic screech and an accompanying tinkle as I soon realized lingering in the hood is far more dangerous than any mortal.

Epiphany versus Revelation

This mortal man’s name was William.  Yes, I flippantly prayed in the morning that the Lord would show me somebody who needed His love.  I almost missed out on God’s answer to that prayer because I was too busy being focused on all the demands and unknowns and how could I possibly prioritize my time to not upset others.

Herein lies William who is 28 years old.  He just got released from the hospital after overdosing on Meth.  He knew God could hold him through recovery, but just couldn’t gather up the strength to walk away from the comforts of his drug of choice.  My heart broke because his life matters, for one; and second of all, he could have been any one of my kids.  He knew I cared, after initially pulling away from him because of fear and fright.

Time stopped.  The world didn’t, but the clock literally stopped ticking.  Nothing mattered except for being present.  We talked awhile.  I shared a little and he listened.  Then it changed to me listening to words that would unearth this desperation I once encountered.  He felt all alone.  Meth took away the sting of rejection.  He belonged and always had someone with Meth.  Meth always waited to pick him up.

He shared his prayers that morning to God and the gravity of them happening upon his release from the hospital.  He had nobody to pick him up because he didn’t want additional guilt or to burden the few who were lingering in his life.  He prayed that if one person stopped to talk to him and acknowledge his presence, he would not take his own life.  

Death versus Matter

The pain flooding his heart and the desperation in which he expressed himself unearthed emotions that laid dormant for decades.  I absorbed every last word.  Ocean tears ushered in an agreement that paved the way for William to walk through.  Uber was summoned to take him where his life mattered.  The care-packed resources included my cell number to keep in touch.

We prayed as we walked.  Meth addicts do not like to stand still.  They need to keep moving.  Time started clicking.  I released William back into the care of the Lord as hard as it was, but I trust the One who ordered this Divine appointment all due to prayer. 

The ease in being the hands and feet of God is so simple, but it requires being present; spiritually, emotionally and physically.  His Uber trip cost me a whole $8.80 and his life is priceless.  Sometimes God has to literally drop people right in front of us because we’re too consumed with stress or worry.  That’s why the Lord tells us not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of its own (Matthew 6:25-34).

I will say I don’t know what’s going to happen to William.  All appointments were fulfilled; Divine and scheduled.  I stuttered, but surrendered.  I felt awkward and was uncomfortable.  I did share the love of the Lord and William graciously received it as he grabbed a hold of the hand extending down from heaven.  Being the hands and feet of God shifted my life.  William texted me and said “thank you.”

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

Blameless Masterpiece and Work in progress

 

Suicidal Survivor ~ Even When It Hurts

Blameless Anxiety by Daniel Rochelle

Suicidal Survivor

Even When It Hurts

This daunting portrayal by Daniel Rochelle illustrates society today by depicting how many people are existing and feeling on the inside.  We’re exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, addicted and sadly, a lot of us are depressed.  We may look radiant and put together on the outside, but this depiction confirms what’s really going on inside.  This illusion portrays anything but being peachy-keen!

Is it too far-fetched or imaginable to slow down and open our hearts while daring to take the time to feel, experience and peel away the layers that clutch those deeply hidden tears long enough to identify the underbellies causing this horrid despair?  We might be shocked to learn how many people today quickly remove this facade once they’re safely behind closed doors in their rightful places of refuge called home.  This only causes more of an epidemic with isolation.

Beloved, there was a time in my own life where I portrayed this persona of having conquered the world and achieved all its accolades that “worldly success” derives from, yet I was so lost and empty.  You know that image, the one in which dreams are made of?  It caused resentment through higher education, liquid assets, affluent lifestyle and, you know, having drinks with the mayor over at the country club (so overrated!!!). 

I was screaming to get out of my own skin because, for one, I didn’t feel I belonged because I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough; and two, I felt as if I had to perform to a higher expectation without blemish in order to fit in which had me running away to deny its pressure.  I became oblivious to who God designed and created me to be.  That tug of war that exists between flesh and spirit is intense!

I still struggle with fears that haunt me occasionally today.  Fear of being laughed at and rejected.  Being plagued with great insecurities and fears throughout my adolescent and teenage years conceived this grave depression that manifested into suicidal tendencies.  Depression is smart, it leeches onto and attaches itself to the life-sustaining vital organ that could nurture and cultivate its growth:  Our beautiful hearts.  It’s a silent killer!

It took me years to learn how to explore and/or process these hurtful emotions or even to understand the magnitude of what I was feeling.  No one prepared me to deal with these screaming emotions ticking away with an already fragile, unstable heart.  How could I become prepared or equipped to be honest enough with myself and others about my feelings with all these voices clamoring for attention?  I had no idea how to discern the difference between simple experiences of sadness versus anger, joy or dread.

This fear and lack of emotional stability even leaked over onto my precious children who are learning themselves today as adults how to claim victory in this battleground.  Tragedy was developing and occurring before I could even process suffering that occurred over a decade prior which contributed to my being emotionally absent.  I was present physically, in a shell, but unable to be emotionally present and intimate because of the raging war going on underneath my hood.  Talk about living in the wrong neighborhood.  Our mind is a powerful gift.

We are living in a world where image rules and oftentimes either opens or closes most doors.  Society dictates we are to be seen and not heard.  Probably why I’ve become unleashed in my passionate pursuit to share with the world how loved we are, that our lives matter and are needed, and how we are amazingly considered God’s precious and priceless works of art. 

If you read Jeremiah 18, you will understand this very notion of being molded into these masterpieces by Love Himself.  We are pliable in the Potter’s hands.  This allows the Master Crafter the opportunity to transform us each and every day, the imperfect beings that we are, living in an imperfect world, in order to prepare us for when we will be perfect; eternal destiny for those who believe.  He’s never rushed.  All He asks is for a little time with us.

God promises to take our tainted hands and fainted hearts that hurt like hell after having cried a Noah’s Flood ushering us into His loving arms not only to be mended and healed, but stronger and more vibrant than any wish-upon-a-star could deliver.  God promises to wash us in His Great Love.  Depression sucks and it hurts and burns much like the enemy’s branding iron marking its territory as it penetrates our lifeless hearts shaming us to believe in his lies.  Hence, my motto:  There is no shame in our game; Jesus is His Name!

This mental illness classification is nothing to be ashamed of.  It means it’s recognized and can be treated.  I have been healed completely for decades all due to this Great Love affair I engage in.  This heartbreaking depression builds walls of shame that become so thick and tolerant with heights constructed so high, you become a slave shackled in your cells of hell without any windows, exits or doorways.  It destroys more hearts than the one afflicted.  When I drove myself off the cliff 37 years ago, a lot of hearts were damaged in my family.

This is probably a good point to pause and reflect.  I will pick up next time when we meet again.  So much to share.  I would love for you, however, to stay a little while longer so you may be blessed by this beautiful song from Hillsong United called Even When It Hurts,” which is dedicated and prayed especially over you, my new friend!

Blameless and Forever Free Ministries believes if you need a lifeline because of thoughts of suicide, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8522.  There is no shame in reaching out.  It requires bravery to grab ahold of that hand extending down from heaven.

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

Living With Addiction and Strongholds of Depression

Blameless Depression I'm Fine

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Depression

Damage more than the Afflicted

Day 10 of 40

Today started like any other summer day before my senior year in high school; I took a shower, smoked a joint and cigarette and headed down to the beach to surf and sunbathe.  Today was special, though; there was a new boy in town named Scott and tonight was Pablo Cruz’s concert at the Del Mar Fairgrounds.  Scott had the hots for me and said he would meet me down at the concert after work.

I scurried about in order to catch a ride on the morning surf and soak up as many sun rays possible needed to obtain that “been-at-the-beach-all-day look” with the peeling red nose and face to contrast and compliment my long, blonde hair!  That’s what looked hot and defined us surfer chicks!

Today held the promise of hope and love.  After my longstanding feelings of rejection and abandonment with my family, the constant jeers of being laughed at and not fitting in, coupled with bouts of depression unattended to for a couple of years and the breakup of a long-term boyfriend; there were glimpses of sunshine peeking through the dark clouds from a dreamy boy who was way out of my league. 

Scott had curly brown hair, green eyes, around 21, and even had surfboard racks on top of his BMW.  He said I was hot!  He made my heart palpitate.  My heart was beating again and I felt alive.  I couldn’t wait to receive more of his CPR.

After the beach, I showered with intention and detail to look beautiful in my size 3 Jordache jeans that were long enough to compliment my 5’11” frame and wear cowboy boots.  I looked hot, just like a supermodel!  I jumped into my V.W. Bug feeling beautiful and picked up a couple of girlfriends and headed down to the fairgrounds.  We drank some beer and smoked a few joints before we entered the concert. 

Upon arrival at the concert, we were fortunate enough to get escorted and seated in Row 3 right smack at center stage.  Every band wants a group of screaming teenage girls upfront.  The whole time we were talking and laughing, my mind became fixated on the whereabouts of Scott and it interfered with my ability to have fun engaging with my girlfriends.  The concert was getting jammed packed full of concertgoers and still no Scott.

The feelings of not being pretty enough and good enough was the perfect environment for the brooding of the storm.  Each emotional dagger of rejection were all consuming, turning the gusts of shame and walls of torment into deafening sounds diffusing the emergency warning system of the impending tornado.  Being tossed to and fro in the quiet eye of the tornado left no time to hear or acknowledge the warning sounds that this storm was about to implode even though it was louder than thousands of screaming cheers as the concert began. 

I started looking at everyone in the concert smiling, singing and dancing, the band focusing directly on us girls upfront, and I felt a sense of loss and gloom.  It wasn’t the spin of the tornado that was making me sick, it was because I felt alone in this crowd and no one could hear my screams for help and panic.  I didn’t belong and I didn’t fit in and I was scared to death.  My mind kept focusing on trying to find Scott in the chaos because my heart needed help. 

Once the concert was over, we headed over to the restroom.  I took one look at myself in the mirror and became horrified.  Between the sweat and oil from the heat of the lights and stage, the profusion of sweat from being one sardine amongst a compressed can, I looked horrible.  I no longer resembled the perfection of the model I put on beforehand.

The beads of sweat bonded my hair like glue instead of free-flowing locks that could be flicked back and forth; my black mascara resembled more of a tarantula instead of highlighting my green eyes; my peeling red and flaky white nose resembled my white eyebrows stuck to my burned forehead.  No wonder Scott stood me up.  I felt ugly and not worthy of love.  I had to get out of there.  I couldn’t let anyone see me like this and I needed to hide.

I told my friends that I wasn’t feeling good, so we needed to go home.  Everyone was laughing.  They wanted to stay and continue to have fun.  They didn’t look gross like me, so they stayed.  I walked to my car alone.  I felt ashamed because everyone was laughing in large groups and I was alone running to hide.  I felt unworthy because of my appearance.  Why do we place so much significance on our looks?

I got into my Volkswagen and headed home.  I cried the whole way home, but no one was there when I arrived.  All the thoughts, emotional daggers and flaming arrows that were penetrating my heart and controlling my mind became desperate. 

I drove to my favorite spot, Swami’s Beach, and circled the parking lot a couple of times after finding no one to love on me and snapped.  Before I knew it, I was driving through the protective barrier and wall built with steel beams and bars free-flying through the air bouncing off the rocks landing onto the ocean floor.  All I remember is seeing a bright light with my life flashing before me.

I wanted out of my cell of hell.  People with depression who don’t receive help can get this low.  There’s nothing to be ashamed about.  I was screaming “help me,” but I could not find a solution to ease the pain except for this final attempted suicide.  Thank you, Jesus!

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This is Swami’s Beach.  Beautiful, isn’t it?  Hard to really gauge the cliff’s height, but I believe it’s a little over 350 feet.  I wrote this from what I can remember as to what set me over the edge, so to speak, 37 years ago.  I want to share that I have been completely healed by God’s Divine grace and mercy of depression many years ago.  Today I’m living in freedom and flying free of yesterday’s guilt, today’s fears, and tomorrow’s grave.  All because God loves me just the way I am!! 

 

There is hope for everyone suffering with depression; please just don’t let it get as far as I did!  This was my drug of choice, depression, living with addiction and the generational strongholds.

Until next time…

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Living With Addiction Day 8 ~ Depression

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Depression

Damage more than the Afflicted

Day 8 of 40

Depression is cruel.  It is not discriminant in nature and/or symptomatology.  My story is simple really; I became so low and full of despair in my desperate attempts to belong, anywhere, I couldn’t understand or figure out why this sudden gloom of hopelessness was developing that was attacking and overwhelming my heart and soul.  I tried to talk to my family about it, but they were detached and busy about their ways and girls in high school just did not talk about depression.  Girls talked about boys, surfing and where the next party was while sizing each other up.

Because the pain was becoming intense and the heaviness of the cold and thick residue of dampness had chilled my body, I tried visualizing about things that would wrap me with warmth and happiness:  Boys!  But when reality set back in and the daydreams were interrupted because of life, school and work, I felt more alone and isolated.  Even though there was a crowd of people encircling my presence, I felt as if I was inside of a bubble and no one saw me or even cared about my existence.  I was just floating by hoping and praying someone would notice me.

This loneliness and despair led me to seek out such vices as drugs and alcohol.  When those temporal fixes wouldn’t suffice; you’re only happy when you’re high on mind-altering substances because you’re denying the truth that you must work through and face when sober, I started developing differing personality traits and vices to diffuse some of the air in my bubble and coddle my need for attention.  It’s called Negative Attention and Hello Insecurity!

I have been asked what my ulterior motives are for sharing such an extremely painful, personal and dark journey of my past.  My motives are pure and simple:  Why not!  There’s no shame here talking about it; it’s just another amazing victory and piece of the glued shattered glass in the vase that illuminates God’s grace and mercy through each and every crack displaying His Divine nature and love over my life.  That’s called beauty made from the ashes.  When we’re truly healed and set free, we want to share and help others leap over the hurdles and finish the race victoriously!

I didn’t have the help to sever this stronghold of depression that was stemming from the environment caused by living with addiction that has been a part of my family for centuries.  Instead it was swept underneath the rug because of shame and not having the strength or time to deal with it.  I may have claimed and received complete healing, but not before it stained and tainted more of my beautiful family.  These strongholds are going to take several generations for it to be removed completely or Divine intervention; but awareness is the key to freedom!

Working on the high school staff for a year at church opened my eyes to the purpose of my pain; helping others beat the affliction of depression and anxiety and insecurities that are so prevalent in our students in high school today.  No wonder heroin is the drug of choice now!  If I can help one parent, one person, beat this monster of depression by the awareness I am bringing to it, then it makes sense in how God has turned my ashes into beauty!

On one of my report cards from 40 years ago, the teacher responded, “Great academics, but student is quite boisterous.”  Since I was receiving new attention from this conduct, I developed this mindset that negative attention was love and acceptance.  It helped quash down and mask over the roaring pain that was expanding in my tattered heart.  This may have helped develop the comedic side to my personality, but that just meshed over the real pain that was brewing inside.  I passed that trait onto one of my precious sons.

When the boisterous side ran its course, I gravitated towards boys and love; my first love.  When you’re a young girl in high school, you may think you’re mature and know it all, but truth be known, there are so many life experiences you could never conjure up in your adolescent mind, much less know how to walk through it victoriously.  That’s why life experiences and pain are part of life; they teach us how to better handle people and situations later on and we grow through knowledge.

My family did not engage in much communication because of all the shame, addictions, strongholds and busyness of life.  I did not know how to handle all the emotions of depression that I was feeling or knew of the dangers in being led down the wrong path.  All I knew was I was in love, I was ready to play house, my life was going to be perfect and full of love, and no one was going to take that “gift” away from me.  It was mine for the taking.  Needless to say, that gift was unwrapped and I gave myself over to a boy who promised me unconditional love, but gave me only a heartache and ammunition that fed the fuel lines of depression that were ready to explode!

This multiplied the pain I had stuffed down into the deep recesses of my heart and soul.  I had just been rejected and abandoned again.  That love, that sense of belonging, that I was starving for was just a tease to lure me even lower into the pit of hell.  With feeling like no one cared and I didn’t matter to the world, I started taking extremes to fill that void; that deep sense of loss and hole in my heart that only God could fulfill.

Many have also asked what I did during my life with addiction and the strongholds of depression that developed with it, so be prepared to hear the raw, the dark and transparent part of my story.  This is where you get the opportunity to wait a week or two to come back and visit the blog if you can’t handle hot messes because it’s going to get messy. 

Enjoy Mary Mary’s song called Shackles.  Be prepared to boogie.  This is the freedom we receive when we believe!  We can praise God during our difficult circumstances because He will bring us safely to the other side.  

Until next time…