Tag Archives: #Thereisnoshameinourgame

Suicidal Survivor ~ Even When It Hurts

Blameless Anxiety by Daniel Rochelle

Suicidal Survivor

Even When It Hurts

This daunting portrayal by Daniel Rochelle illustrates society today by depicting how many people are existing and feeling on the inside.  We’re exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, addicted and sadly, a lot of us are depressed.  We may look radiant and put together on the outside, but this depiction confirms what’s really going on inside.  This illusion portrays anything but being peachy-keen!

Is it too far-fetched or imaginable to slow down and open our hearts while daring to take the time to feel, experience and peel away the layers that clutch those deeply hidden tears long enough to identify the underbellies causing this horrid despair?  We might be shocked to learn how many people today quickly remove this facade once they’re safely behind closed doors in their rightful places of refuge called home.  This only causes more of an epidemic with isolation.

Beloved, there was a time in my own life where I portrayed this persona of having conquered the world and achieved all its accolades that “worldly success” derives from, yet I was so lost and empty.  You know that image, the one in which dreams are made of?  It caused resentment through higher education, liquid assets, affluent lifestyle and, you know, having drinks with the mayor over at the country club (so overrated!!!). 

I was screaming to get out of my own skin because, for one, I didn’t feel I belonged because I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough; and two, I felt as if I had to perform to a higher expectation without blemish in order to fit in which had me running away to deny its pressure.  I became oblivious to who God designed and created me to be.  That tug of war that exists between flesh and spirit is intense!

I still struggle with fears that haunt me occasionally today.  Fear of being laughed at and rejected.  Being plagued with great insecurities and fears throughout my adolescent and teenage years conceived this grave depression that manifested into suicidal tendencies.  Depression is smart, it leeches onto and attaches itself to the life-sustaining vital organ that could nurture and cultivate its growth:  Our beautiful hearts.  It’s a silent killer!

It took me years to learn how to explore and/or process these hurtful emotions or even to understand the magnitude of what I was feeling.  No one prepared me to deal with these screaming emotions ticking away with an already fragile, unstable heart.  How could I become prepared or equipped to be honest enough with myself and others about my feelings with all these voices clamoring for attention?  I had no idea how to discern the difference between simple experiences of sadness versus anger, joy or dread.

This fear and lack of emotional stability even leaked over onto my precious children who are learning themselves today as adults how to claim victory in this battleground.  Tragedy was developing and occurring before I could even process suffering that occurred over a decade prior which contributed to my being emotionally absent.  I was present physically, in a shell, but unable to be emotionally present and intimate because of the raging war going on underneath my hood.  Talk about living in the wrong neighborhood.  Our mind is a powerful gift.

We are living in a world where image rules and oftentimes either opens or closes most doors.  Society dictates we are to be seen and not heard.  Probably why I’ve become unleashed in my passionate pursuit to share with the world how loved we are, that our lives matter and are needed, and how we are amazingly considered God’s precious and priceless works of art. 

If you read Jeremiah 18, you will understand this very notion of being molded into these masterpieces by Love Himself.  We are pliable in the Potter’s hands.  This allows the Master Crafter the opportunity to transform us each and every day, the imperfect beings that we are, living in an imperfect world, in order to prepare us for when we will be perfect; eternal destiny for those who believe.  He’s never rushed.  All He asks is for a little time with us.

God promises to take our tainted hands and fainted hearts that hurt like hell after having cried a Noah’s Flood ushering us into His loving arms not only to be mended and healed, but stronger and more vibrant than any wish-upon-a-star could deliver.  God promises to wash us in His Great Love.  Depression sucks and it hurts and burns much like the enemy’s branding iron marking its territory as it penetrates our lifeless hearts shaming us to believe in his lies.  Hence, my motto:  There is no shame in our game; Jesus is His Name!

This mental illness classification is nothing to be ashamed of.  It means it’s recognized and can be treated.  I have been healed completely for decades all due to this Great Love affair I engage in.  This heartbreaking depression builds walls of shame that become so thick and tolerant with heights constructed so high, you become a slave shackled in your cells of hell without any windows, exits or doorways.  It destroys more hearts than the one afflicted.  When I drove myself off the cliff 37 years ago, a lot of hearts were damaged in my family.

This is probably a good point to pause and reflect.  I will pick up next time when we meet again.  So much to share.  I would love for you, however, to stay a little while longer so you may be blessed by this beautiful song from Hillsong United called Even When It Hurts,” which is dedicated and prayed especially over you, my new friend!

Blameless and Forever Free Ministries believes if you need a lifeline because of thoughts of suicide, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8522.  There is no shame in reaching out.  It requires bravery to grab ahold of that hand extending down from heaven.

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!

Living With Addiction Day 11 ~ Depression and Belonging

Blameless Window of Blessings

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Depression

Damage more than the Afflicted

Day 11 of 40

News Alert:  That mask I lived behind for many years showed the deep darkness to what controlled my very existence.  Depression is a lonely torment.  The enemy plants these tiny seeds of doubt into our minds with words like “You don’t belong, you’ll never be good enough or pretty enough.”  This scheme of deceit creeps into our minds and hearts while this full-blown warfare develops solely to steal, kill and destroy.

Somehow, some way, I saw the hand of God extending down from heaven as I was driving off that cliff and grabbed ahold of it as my car smashed and bounced off the wall of rocks.  Jesus had been patiently waiting for me to grab ahold of His help so I would understand why He came; to set us ALL free, those who would believe, so that we may have life and have it to the fullest (John 10:10).  It was then that this weapon of depression and force of destruction that was being formed against me lost its power during my final attempt at suicide.

While I was unconscious due to my skull fracture, I witnessed that bright light that some near-death experiences receive as I witnessed my life flashing before my very eyes.  I was touched clearly by the hand of God; how else could I survive flying through the air 350 feet after going through steel beams and bars and smashing into the cliff’s rocks, not to mention living through the force of the impact that compressed and wrapped my remains around the twisted metal of what was once my Volkswagen Bug.

So what happened to good ‘ole Scott, that dreamy boy, that some of you have asked?  You know, I don’t know.  I will never forget the “words” from his get-well card saying, “If you ever want to drop in anywhere, drop in at my house.”  He said I looked beautiful at the concert and disappeared right afterwards.  Due to our amazing seats, he was unable to get up front with us, but that he was behind me the whole time watching us a dozen rows back.

My parents and I moved to a completely new area shortly after my release from both hospitalizations and I never saw him again.  The enemy is good about robbing us of blessings and gifts that were ours to begin with to open, but we let doubt, insecurities, and fears, you name it, rob us of our value and our gifts intended just for that day.

Since Isaiah 54:17 reassures us that no weapon formed against us shall prosper, then it is my duty and responsibility to believe and walk out my faith trusting God at His Word.  This will require moving forward in great expectation and obedience so I may receive the deliverance from this weapon called depression however He chooses to orchestrate it.

God is faithful; He brought my deliverance and healing, but it was not without great cost and pain; the death of Jesus Christ.  I’d call it nothing short of a miracle.  Being healed by Jesus offers us a lifelong journey of hope and joy while giving us glimpses into what heaven will really be like. 

When we encounter this Great Love affair on a daily basis breathing, living and applying His Word to our lives, we become redeemed and transformed and our old strongholds and insecurities that genetically shackled us are removed and we become restored and renewed to being these Beautiful Beloveds God designed and created us to be.

It also helps us love others, even those that have brought us harm.  I want to live and love like 1 Corinthians 13 tells us; through kindness, humility, patience, and by being one who does not easily anger and holds no record of wrongdoing while seeing the best in others through the lens of the forgiveness that was bestowed upon me during the outpouring of love and redemption.

Having a relationship with the Lord changed my perception on who I was!  I finally belonged, to the King of kings and Lord of lords, mind you, and experienced the Love that we all yearn for; the Love I was even going to die for, but Jesus took my place instead and rescued me from myself.  This is called our Father’s Love!  He’s a good, good Father.

Until next time…

 

Living With Addiction Day 11 ~ Depression and Belonging

Blameless Window of Blessings

Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Depression

Damage more than the Afflicted

Day 11 of 40

News Alert:  That mask I lived behind for many years showed the deep darkness to what controlled my very existence.  Depression is a lonely torment.  The enemy plants these tiny seeds of doubt into our minds with words like “You don’t belong, you’ll never be good enough or pretty enough.”  This scheme of deceit creeps into our minds and hearts while this full-blown warfare develops solely to steal, kill and destroy.

Somehow, some way, I saw the hand of God extending down from heaven as I was driving off that cliff and grabbed ahold of it as my car smashed and bounced off the wall of rocks.  Jesus had been patiently waiting for me to grab ahold of His help so I would understand why He came; to set us ALL free, those who would believe, so that we may have life and have it to the fullest (John 10:10).  It was then that this weapon of depression and force of destruction that was being formed against me lost its power during my final attempt at suicide.

While I was unconscious due to my skull fracture, I witnessed that bright light that some near-death experiences receive as I witnessed my life flashing before my very eyes.  I was touched clearly by the hand of God; how else could I survive flying through the air 350 feet after going through steel beams and bars and smashing into the cliff’s rocks, not to mention living through the force of the impact that compressed and wrapped my remains around the twisted metal of what was once my Volkswagen Bug.

So what happened to good ‘ole Scott, that dreamy boy, that some of you have asked?  You know, I don’t know.  I will never forget the “words” from his get-well card saying, “If you ever want to drop in anywhere, drop in at my house.”  He said I looked beautiful at the concert and disappeared right afterwards.  Due to our amazing seats, he was unable to get up front with us, but that he was behind me the whole time watching us a dozen rows back.

My parents and I moved to a completely new area shortly after my release from both hospitalizations and I never saw him again.  The enemy is good about robbing us of blessings and gifts that were ours to begin with to open, but we let doubt, insecurities, and fears, you name it, rob us of our value and our gifts intended just for that day.

Since Isaiah 54:17 reassures us that no weapon formed against us shall prosper, then it is my duty and responsibility to believe and walk out my faith trusting God at His Word.  This will require moving forward in great expectation and obedience so I may receive the deliverance from this weapon called depression however He chooses to orchestrate it.

God is faithful; He brought my deliverance and healing, but it was not without great cost and pain; the death of Jesus Christ.  I’d call it nothing short of a miracle.  Being healed by Jesus offers us a lifelong journey of hope and joy while giving us glimpses into what heaven will really be like. 

When we encounter this Great Love affair on a daily basis breathing, living and applying His Word to our lives, we become redeemed and transformed and our old strongholds and insecurities that genetically shackled us are removed and we become restored and renewed to being these Beautiful Beloveds God designed and created us to be.

It also helps us love others, even those that have brought us harm.  I want to live and love like 1 Corinthians 13 tells us; through kindness, humility, patience, and by being one who does not easily anger and holds no record of wrongdoing while seeing the best in others through the lens of the forgiveness that was bestowed upon me during the outpouring of love and redemption.

Having a relationship with the Lord changed my perception on who I was!  I finally belonged, to the King of kings and Lord of lords, mind you, and experienced the Love that we all yearn for; the Love I was even going to die for, but Jesus took my place instead and rescued me from myself.  This is called our Father’s Love!  He’s a good, good Father.

Until next time…