Tammy Ingram

When You Have Been Abused, Abandoned and Rejected, What Is Next?

Part 3-A

I had to take complete power back and away from my abuser by talking about it because those who would continue to shame me and rule their power over my heart needed to be stilled.  I was hoping that through love, patience and communication, it would bring some sort of resolution or even repentance through changed behavior.  Someone has to stop this generational stronghold of abuse and that requires awareness of behaviors and COMMUNICATION. 

We don’t have to wake up angry, bitter and miserable, isolated behind our hoardings of possessions.  Life is too short to be shackled with rage awaiting its next victim.  Investing precious time into our relationships not only shows love, but it also revives honor. 

This is why I love running to my Bible for guidance because I need calm over chaos any day and I want to be more like my loving Savior so I can learn to love better and forgive easier.  Ephesians 5:1 tells us to be imitators of God, as dearly loved children and live a life of love.  

And if we become imitators of God, as Ephesians 4:29-32 relates, we will not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen…Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Since we departed rather abruptly last time, suppressed pain that has been denied for decades brings out intensity when wounds are triggered, so I repeated a couple of paragraphs to get us back on track.

My amazing speaking coach/mentor challenged me to narrow my writing and speaking skills towards the passion that ignites me to work tirelessly starting up my nonprofit organization, Blameless and Forever Free Ministries.  I truly want to help meet the needs of those who are hurting by being a bridge between church and state for the abandoned, the abused, and the rejected. 

Being a survivor myself saved by nothing short of grace after decades of trauma, that was hard for me to narrow down, at least initially.  Once I was completely still, sorting through the voluminous files filled with trauma easily led to a starting trigger point that brought the niche to light.

It took me awhile to understand why I have such a gift of love for all beloveds and why forgiveness comes easily.  When you have been hurt much and forgiven much by Love Himself, it makes it easy to love.  Plus, I don’t want anyone to suffer like I’ve had to; all alone.

This is where God unveils His destiny in bringing beauty from my ashes through His purpose and plan for my pain.  Now I get to love on others who are considered unlovable.  I get to be a voice for those who lost theirs through abuse.  And now I’m honored I get to walk alongside of the masses who are walking through disease and death because I’ve walked victoriously through it myself all because of God’s grace.

You know, it’s sad to admit that I would run after such unhealthy relationships in order to be loved, but it is also painfully hard to admit you’re not loved and wanted by those who were given the gift of your life.  That’s nothing short of tragic.  But when we can remember hurt people hurt others, it won’t appear as so personal and will loosen the reins on the noose that the enemy intended to hang us with.

Until next time…

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings!  It is hard for any Beloved to walk through your life believing you were a mistake and a complete detriment to the lives that God gifted to love, nurture and manage.  Even though you know your worth and value does not come from them, it is given freely and unconditionally from the Lord above who will never forsake or leave us.  That’s reassuring to a Beloved who has been abandoned and rejected.

I am striving to become that Beloved who is so wrapped up tightly in God’s Almighty arms, that I don’t feel the sting of rejection and abandonment.  I am grateful to know that the Lord loves my children so much that He would allow me to be the one to stop this generational strongholds of dysfunction so a family can learn new tools and behaviors to stick together when the going gets tough and never to control and expect conforming to another’s standards.  Communication can be such a beautiful thing.  Intimacy with God enables us to be emotionally present and available with others so we can engagein healthy and loving and nurturing relationships.  I want to love like 1 Corinthians 13 and am striving to not remember the hurts and to be slow to anger

Lord, help me to see people the way you see them.

So I guess now honing in on my niche, this will expose raw areas of pain and healing and restoration on how God took one hot broken mess and cleaned her up through love and refinement to be the confident treasured daughter she is.

This is gonna be one wild ride; so hang on tight!  This is peeling another protective layer and one in which I am struggling to keep.  I guess I’m not as transparent as I thought.  Can’t wait to see what I’ll learn through this and how much more free I’ll be.

Yes, I do know that I am not the one that made my abuser bitter and full of rage.  It was the pain of her own life and the shame that her own upbringing caused that afflicted that misery, not to mention the silent killer of mental illness.  I guess because my heart and motives were pure in forgiving past abuse, it was treated as a red carpet treatment to usher in pent-up aggression and rage.

I’m sure the level of the toxicity is the same as it once was, the only difference was that I had had no contact whatsoever with my abuser for over eight years which unveiled the pillage, plunder and rage delivered in the battlefield.

When the Lord brought healing to my heart and showed me how loved and valuable I am, it healed the deeply hidden recesses of my heart that had been tattered and stopped the bleed that nearly took me out.  Afflictions caused by loved ones bring on the most intense pain imaginable.

Just because I had received healing did not mean others would be receptive to forgiveness, nor would they reciprocate such healthy behaviors.  I just figured since I was brave enough to tap into my newfound confidence in being bold and courageous by forgiving my abusers, that it would be well received.

Sadly, it was received so blessedly well with one member, but not the others.  In fact, I realized who the true abuser was.  This forgiveness dug up even more animosity because it exposed lies that had been covered over and swept underneath the rug due to my silence.  Victims take on and carry all the blame; that is, until they’re healed.

No victim of abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional, sexual or financial, deserves to have their offenses minimized or attacks justified.  No one should ever be treated with such contempt and dishonor.  God is a father to the fatherless and He brings people into our lives that are healthy and able to love appropriately when we’ve been orphaned.  I am so glad the Lord healed my heart and continues to show me how to love.  Because if I didn’t believe in 1 Corinthians 13 love, about how it holds no wrongs, I would not be able to love my children because they have made their mistakes or to teach my granddaughter that love is kind…

when we refuse to conform and comply, we become women of valor.  I used to run the other way from battle, but now I run right to it and grab the enemy by the horns, relentless to take down the enemy that has held generations held captive in the shackles of abuse while once and for all relentlessly determined to defeat the enemy at whatever cost, all for the glory and in the name of Jesus.  I pray as I take piece by piece, I am able to help you understand the love of Christ and how He came to offer love, healing, acceptance and eternal life with our Father God.  It’s not a set of rules and regulations, nor is it called preaching, it’s called applying the Truths that will set you free and give you a life that Jesus intended for us all to have.  Less division and a whole lot of unity and love. This will be awkward and hard for me to share in writing, but I will do my best.

Until next time…