I thought I was
As I pulled into the parking lot and caught a glimpse of his infatuation, I was drawn by the undeniable attention that his presence brought as I watched his silhouette disappear through the rear-view mirror. As I quickly resorted to parking my vehicle, my heart’s palpitations drew my energies to seek out his mortal existence. The mere excitement of locating him in my peripheral vision brought about such intense gratification and awakening that I leaped out of my vehicle with anticipation and expectation of encountering that “deep and satisfying love.” Oh, how I yearned to be loved and acknowledged, especially after the vulnerability that existed from the loneliness of life’s tragedies. Upon exiting my vehicle, his eyes searched for mine as we embraced visually, yet with such hypnotic power, the magnetic force brought me within feet of his existence.
Normally this kind of attention provokes an acknowledgement worthy of either a smile, a courteous decline with a hair flick of attitude declaring “not in this lifetime,” or a hint of playful, yet respectful, flirting indicating he’s “a possibility.” I’m used to attracting attention, and by all means that attention has not always been positive, but I have learned through a lot of pain what to embrace and what to steer clear of rather quickly! My go-to at this stage of life is generally beeline after acknowledgement, but with his intrigue in watching my long, beautiful blonde hair flowing effortlessly into the air and landing strand by strand into perfection did I become close enough to his presence to hear him say, “OMG, what the —– is that? What happened to you?”
Special Report: “Localized flooding developing after residents in Granite Bay heard a loud ROAR caused by lightning and an irrepressible flow of tears washing away the effects of insensitive comments! Stay tuned for further developments.”
What happened to that intriguing Harlequin romance novel that I was the leading character in? As much as I care to admit, I’ve never read one of those romance novels, but after reading what I wrote, I’m sooooo going to now! I guess I know how to draw attention, huh? Hello!!! That’s what writers do, correct, they spread this preconceived idea of what “fanatical love” is; but my story did happen, and it ended without all that romanticized fantasy that generally occurs. The ugly, somewhat truthful, words uttered from this man’s mouth penetrated deep pain into my heart and robbed me of my worth that led to shame. It will stick with me forever even though I know where my worth comes from and how I’m still beautiful in God’s eyes and am even more precious than rubies (Proverbs 3:5).
How does one deal with such painful remarks? Was it really his intention to speak harmful words over me? Am I going to allow the opinions and ugly words of what others say about me cloud and interfere with the value and worth being a Be-Loved of the Most High empowers me with? Hello!!! You bet, for a little while anyways!
If I’m going to share with transparency and truth here, that comment hurt and stabbed like a knife. It’s painstaking enough to have to deal with the physical pain of this treatment that I go through everyday as I heal from the ugly side effects, but the additional emotional trauma caused by the stares of people’s intrigue is hard walking out what God has to say about my worth and value; not to mention how I scared the morphine right out of my girlfriend a week or so ago. But I’m going to engage in the infamous Tammy Tantrum first for around 30 minutes or so, maybe longer, so I can allow myself to grieve, purge and process what the enemy is trying to accomplish through his strikings of afflicting me with the Job-ette Syndrome! Isn’t it interesting how the enemy strikes hard when he REALLY FEELS THREATENED???
God loves it when we are real with Him through prayer by expressing our true inner thoughts and feelings; He knows them anyways, so……. Hello!!! He even captures and records every tear that is shed from our eyes and holds them in a bottle (Psalm 56:8), especially if it is going to bring about localized flooding! I want to cry me a Noah’s Flood, but thankfully I’m grounded enough now to strike back with the roar of a tiger!!!
We have a choice to understand where and how our triggers develop and surface from, but right now I need to cry me a river and be reminded that whether or not my appearance comes back to what it was just a few weeks ago, I will need to mediate and focus on what the Word says in Song of Songs 1:15, “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful…” I know my Heavenly Daddy is holding my right hand with his gentle reassurance by saying, Beloved daughter of mine, stand tall and remember whose you are. “All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Songs 4:7). Aaahhhhhhhh…….speak to my heart by speaking Your Truths into me!
I may be Grammy Tammy, but I still have needs and desires that all of us girls have in the knowing and assurance of feeling beautiful and wanted; and I know all too well that unless I am grounded and focused daily on applying what God tells me in His Word and I BELIEVE in those Truths, it will not do me a bit of good. I am going to end up getting depressed, isolate from others, get angry, react in ways that might lead me down a path of destruction filled with regret and hard knocks through bad choices of either bad relationships or other means that are anything less than fulfilling or gratifying. Plus, then I am allowing the enemy a stronghold and entry into my heart by occupying more space in my already broken parts and spirit which will keep me from receiving the love, healing and promises that I was meant to claim. This only encourages the cycle of isolation and feelings of inferiority and self-worth deprivation and the foregoing of His blessings which are right around the corner waiting for us to claim! Those gifts are MINE!!! I am tired of letting the enemy have them or damage them.
How are we going to handle the day when that loud knock arrives, one that will rob us from feeling beautiful or desirable, and I’m not just talking about from the obvious disabling adverse effects of chemo, radiation, trauma, or even age, but the knock that comes flying through the door unannounced and unwelcome? What happens when that feeling of loss of being desired is caused from the enemy’s access through a secret key carrying an infection (self-worth deprivation) that spreads like a forest fire once we’ve entertained one thought that developed through the rejection that occurred through divorce, ugly words, abandonment, rejection, physical disability, or even when expectations have gone unfulfilled; or from experiencing the effects of loneliness and abandonment due to being an empty-nester, deep scars developing from self-worth issues, even down to a simple temporal imperfection (zit or blemish) on our face that dramatically alters and changes the perceived outward beauty of our self-portrait, how is that going to effect us? Heck, divorce alters and distorts what you see in the mirror so profoundly without you even realizing it, what are we supposed to do? How do we keep that destructive door from being unlocked?
Where do we go from there? If my worth is based on what the world says, “Gotta wear this facade by being perfect and will pay whatever price to lead a lie of such deception,” I’m doomed and destroyed and you might as well kick me to the curb or run like a wild, superficial woman to the nearest plastic surgeon or magician who MIGHT bring temporary relief for a “quick fix” that will inherently lead to more problems. But……. and a big but at that (thank you, Jesus, for that extra baggage), if I know where my worth and value comes from, and that’s beauty that is not fleeting, nor one that can or will ever fade away, which is free and eternal, and can be known only through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, then nothing shall rob me of my worth and true value! But I must apply those Truths to my life at all times and not give up and give the enemy any room to start tearing down who I know I am!
I live on this earth while trying to focus on what I can do to bring peace and love within the community, but I am also subjected daily to the desires and the lures that lead us all astray; and though my heart may be devastated temporarily due to the “perceived” rejection that came from an outward comment verbalizing shock and disgust, who probably didn’t mean it the way it was received due to my heightened sensitivity of public opinion right now going through treatment, but it is up to me in how I approach and deal with these emotions.
Isn’t this just like the enemy to throw fire in my face to try and keep me from moving forward. He’s fighting hard and I see his thwarts, but I will not let him have that stronghold because I know Who lives in me is greater than the one who is in the world (1 John 4:4). And here I was feeling ashamed and wanted to hide and isolate from the world until I’m completely healed because people aren’t reacting well, for one; and two, how can I continue to be me by helping others and spreading love and cheer with this rather obvious imperfection that takes the breath away from anyone who initially sees me, and not in a good way; not to mention it’s not what I’m accustomed to and I don’t like this negative attention it’s bringing.
I can totally understand now why my sons used to get so upset when people would stare at us (the three towheads, ♥ picture taken over 20 years ago, so cute) especially after their father passed; we may have been beautiful on the outside, but we were hurting on the inside significantly, and it brought about this outward increase of anger because we didn’t want people to see the imperfections that existed within us, the real hurting people we actually were, and it triggered negative responses that led to more problems. We all react differently; and if we don’t have the tools to help us deal with what life throws at us, it will rob us of our worth, deplete us, depress us, make us hostile, and leave us embittered instead of revealing the growth through it.
With today’s society being so focused on the “instant gratification” all due to this glorious technology we’re afforded nowadays (thank God for that blessing! Can you imagine reading all of this without a potty break?), we’re losing our social etiquette and patience that is leading us down to the “I want it now” syndrome. This blog is going to be deep because it’s real, it’s raw, and it’s dealing with emotions I’ve never dealt with in over 50 years. I’m quick to deal with reality through denial, but I am choosing to learn daily what change and transformation with God is all about by sharing my heart and the victories that led me to being obedient to my calling. God has asked me to share my life’s journey of grace though the pain I’ve endured by being real and transparent.
This is where you, the reader, get the opportunity to shut it down or continue on the journey with me while being transparent. This is so very hard for me to be so open and candid, but it is freeing because I see the confidence developing within me! So many of you are following me that I have no idea who you are, but God does! Being found blameless and forever set free is a lifetime experience that I can’t help but share with everyone that dares to listen and share!
Denying real emotions is only a facade and “temporary” fix, and it leads to further problems. When you read my book, you will understand this ugly cycle. I can’t change what has happened to me, nor can I deny it; but what I will no longer engage in is allowing the strongholds of shame, guilt, being embarrassed of my imperfections and decisions, and the lack of confidence that hindered me from the love of Christ suffocate what continues to empower me with strength to fight, love, and be loved.
It was obvious that I was allowing the comments that came from a man who I will probably never see again to cripple and rip my soul to pieces, but the enemy couldn’t pierce my spirit long enough because I knew where to run to for help and consolation; not to another person, nor to such vices as food or alcohol or extended shopping trips; I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer so I didn’t rip this man’s head off in reaction to his comments (trust me, I wanted to); I quickly finished up what I needed to accomplish and rushed home so I could experience the healing of God’s grace and mercy AFTER I threw my Tammy Tantrum! God just stood there patiently the whole time and said, “Oh my, Beloved Daughter of Mine, I still love you. I am sorry you’re hurting! I love you just the way you are.”
If I don’t share my trials through tragedies and life-altering circumstances, which far exceeds any education one could obtain, then I will have wasted not only my calling, but a full and enriched life lived through grace and mercy that emerged through heartache. I want to help girls/women cleave to and press into the Lord to understand this concept of Being Loved just the way we are so we can love and receive others just the way they are. I have made so many mistakes in the past due to ways in which I reacted because of the pain of rejection, etc., and missed out on a lot of blessings. I could have saved myself a lot of pain brought on by bad decisions that were caused by a lack of self-worth and value, which then leaked and spewed onto my own children. Every decision and choice we make each minute in life affects others; whether we’re conscious of it or not. We need to embrace change!
Life is a lesson lived and learned through love; if I can help ONE person through sharing, being that voice that understands by sharing how I got through it all courageously, then I can explain the purpose for my own pain and the beauty that was developed through it. The media has no problem touching on disturbing trends while offering solutions to anyone’s problems through the promotion of sex, violence, drugs, alcohol, pornography, plastic surgery, you name it; but that’s just a lie and remedy of the enemy, is a temporary vice to help deny the real issue and just distracts the real help and solutions through detouring the problem because that is the voice heard through the media. I’m just trying to shed light to the lasting peace and the lasting value that can only be attained through a relationship with Jesus Christ!
If I didn’t know the Lord, I wouldn’t have just roared at that man, more ugliness would have ensued. Plus, it would have kept me from receiving the blessings of living out my faith and being bold and courageous enough to walk through a dozen men today with my head held high while receiving the respectful affirmation that I demand! I am not going to hide my face in shame because of the damage. You see, in learning this way, I get to continue walking forward with confidence towards the finish line wearing my dresses and go-go boots sporting a new attitude with hands on hips singing, “These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do; one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. Ha! Are you ready boots? Start walking.” The attitude I possess while wearing dresses with boots! Ha!
Going back to what I was saying, Tammy Tangent, as much as I love men and enjoy receiving the compliments of most attention, I am not seeking anyone’s affirmation except for God’s. I know if my mind is not consumed in the Truths found in the Word of God, I’m going to be heartbroken through rejection and lack of fulfillment and even lose the purity that belongs only to a husband; but when I know where my value and worth reside, I won’t fall for what the lyrics of Katy Perry’s song, “Roar,” stand for: “I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything.”
I’m going to turn Katy Perry’s song into the victorious lyrics that I believe is meant by the song by highlighting these lyrics: Enemy, “You held me down, but I got up, already brushing off the dust, you hear my voice, you hear that sound, like thunder gonna shake the ground; you held me down but I got up, get ready ’cause I’ve had enough, I see it all, I see it now, I’ve got the eye of the tiger, the fighter, dancin’ through the fire, cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar louder, louder than a lion, ’cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar.” Told you I liked to dance…….
And you’re gonna hear me roar……
When you need that gentle reminder of how beautiful and special you are in God’s eyes and God’s plan and purpose for your life, open up your Bible and read the below verses over and over. Heck, even write out a few Post-it notes and stick them where you frequent the most, like your car and the bathroom area or on your cell phone wallpaper. They really speak to my heart, especially when life says otherwise. No matter what we look like or whether we’re married or single, old or young, “we all bring beauty to the bunch,” and when one of us is hurting, it’s up to us Sistas to help keep each other immersed into the Word so our hurts can be encouraged and healed.
Since you so graciously followed me to the end and I can’t seem to find the time to finish Blameless and Forever Free’s Facebook ministry page so we can approach and share with each other our struggles in claiming victory, I am attaching a couple of pictures of how my physical presence has changed dramatically through the damage incurred due to aggressive treatments. The first picture was taken of me just three weeks before treatment started, then post two weeks, then post three weeks. Slowly and surely I am healing. I will be fine, and the swelling from the burst and burn has subsided dramatically. I am being bold and courageous posting my imperfections on the internet with grace! Not your typical selfie which highlights only the good qualities; that’s insecurity as its finest. Painful it is!
Song of Songs 1:15: “How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful…” and Song of Songs 4:7: “All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.”
1 Peter 3:3-4, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
Proverbs 3:15: “She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.”
Psalm 34:5: “Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”
Psalm 139:13-14, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
1 Samuel 16:7: “But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his [her] appearance or his [her] height…The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
And of course, Proverbs 31.
Life hurts at times, but I know one thing: When we know and love God, there’s nothing that man can say or do to us that will have lasting, permanent effects. Let God bring healing to the hurts by releasing that occupied space to receive His best and blessings. I am in this race encouraging you on! Much love!