Not Again! Everything Hinges on Today!

Blameless Sunset 1.2

Not Again!

Everything Hinges on Today!

You know those mornings, the aftermath of the war.  You stand there startled, short of breath, as you boldly survey the carnage left over from the enemy’s constant plundering.  Remnants from another battleground has left you just as scarred and naked as when your weary, decaying body collapsed into the cool comforts of satin just hours before.  You toss and battle all night long with one eye on the ticking clock and the other on the enemy’s next move.  You’re now prepared to combat every flaming arrow, emotional dart and affliction that the enemy extends with your armor of protection and your sharpened sword; this is life, the new norm.  Change!

You’ve become numb; you’re not worried about the outcome, both require either change and/or adaption.  You’re exhausted from all the physical pain caused from being a surgeon’s fantasy, you know, remove this, remove that; insert this, insert that!  The long recoveries, the staples, the scars, the lack of essential organs; and the growing weakness that every surgery brings about; spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  Your life is full of change, relentless pain, and restrictions.  You’re used to this; you’re only getting older!  No one understands.  Most would never believe it if you told them.  You yearn for what everyone else has;  freedom to be me, pain-free!  Yet you’re isolated from the normalcy that most take for granted, and every step hurts like hell!

Blameless Ballet InnocenseYou look into the mirror and even though your heart and mind tells you you’re still as beautiful and vibrant as the crown you once wore, the image you see tells another story.  Traumatized, you pull the skin from around your eyes and cheeks and press hard while stretching it towards your ears and breathe a sigh of relief as you receive the affirmation that the fantasy portrays, while choosing to believe and hide under the weight of what was.  Then reality hits and rears its ugly head with a loud roar.  Everything hinges on today!

With your alarm blaring, you bury your head underneath the pillow trying to drown out the piercing screams coming from such a miniscule item.  If only we had such a powerful voice!  You’re exhausted, you’re scared, you’re trying to survive in this alien form of decay this side of heaven.  Heaven?  You’re wondering how in the world you got here to begin with, much less AGAIN!  You’re not ready for today; no one is.  Someone make that torturing and boisterous noise stop!  Everything hinges on today! 

As you roll over to silent that relentless and torturing alarm, you smack the glass of water that was sitting on your nightstand flinging it against the wall.  In response, the water starts trickling down into your clothes drawer.  As it starts rushing towards to wipe out your Bible, your moment of fight-and-flight adrenaline enables you to jump out of bed in haste to stop the water from damaging your road map, your life, your love, your Bible.  In accomplishment, you slam your shin on the new exposed steel end caps of the bed that protrudes beyond its borders and scream loud obscenities not worthy of imagination.  (Trust me, my mouth could have competed, and proudly taken the prize, from any sailor’s foul mouth; just sayin’… )

Hobbling to the kitchen with tears streaming down your face to turn on the morning liquid courage (coffee ) just like every other day, the realization that coffee wasn’t made the night before due to the lack of tricklin’ brew, a tantrum brews anew.  To add insult to injury, the irritable thrust of attitude and pathetic demeanor in opening the coffee results in a confetti blessing of Mt. Starbucks all over the counter-top.  Time may be of the essence today, but because of the DELIRIUM, you flip your long hair back like an old Charlie’s Angels icon and smack your forehead against the granite ledge knocking you completely on your assets with your teeth snapping down on your tongue like an alligator devouring its prey!!!

Go ahead, laugh!  I will nearly pee my pants with joyful humiliation every time I revisit this horrible encounter for years to come; but laughter is the best medicine, right, especially when laughing at one’s self.  It was as dramatic as it sounds, resulting in the makeup that every woman runs from, a black eye!  So much for the audition on Charlie’s Angels! 🙂

As you fall to the ground in literal tears and in pain, reality sets in as you realize you’re not allowed to have coffee or water because today IS DOOMSDAY, the day of another surgery!  Today is the day that starts yet another new journey filled with unknowns and a whole lot of pain, both old and new.  You reflect as you lay on that cold tile floor sobbing like a tantrum-throwing two-year-old regurgitating the blood coming from the lock-down caused by your own beautiful teeth.

As you glance over through the cloudy pool of tears, your heart focuses on a picture of your kids and granddaughter smiling right back at you.  God really has sustained you with grandeur blessings!  You then wonder why you can’t be like that innocent child who runs a high fever, doesn’t sleep, has Philippians 4:13a nose filled with liquid congestion and the constant drippings, along with a cough that burns and seems to have Energizer bunny batteries; yet when she wakes up, she is smiling, eager and excited for the day ahead.  She doesn’t know what is going to happen, she embraces the good along with the bad; all she thinks about is how it’s a new day and she trusts the One Who Loves her.  She’s ready to experience all that life has to offer her that day and the beauty it holds moment by moment with the biggest smile, contagious excitement and total gratitude!  That is the meaning of “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13). 

With everything hinging on today, the heart remembers…

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come…Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised…” Proverbs 31:25-30 (NIV). 

Today’s surgery might bring about additional long-standing pain, Chronic is his name, due to the physical, emotional and even spiritual losses; but let’s celebrate victory even before we have received the prize with love while engaging in the dance with one another through joy, laughter, tears and support in order to claim the victory that will “…let them praise His name with dancing” (Psalm 149:3).

Until next time…

Thank you for being Beautiful You!

Blameless Ballet 3.11

2 thoughts on “Not Again! Everything Hinges on Today!

  1. Greta Davila

    Hey Cuz-I’m checking on you and wondering how Caylan is doing? I’m sure you are a wreck!!! Just want you to know how much I love you and thinking about you guys and praying for all of you. Love you,Greta


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