on the Wall,
Please Tell Me That’s
This picture was taken today, March 2015, by my girlfriend who was laughing hysterically at me because I was so upset, so frustrated and angry, that I was looking for something to eat and crunch on (munchies at their finest hour) like potato chips would have satisfied; but in a house and frig full of organic healthy foods (Oh, Lord, give me a break!), this did nothing but fuel my agitation and need for something stronger to settle me down, like a bottle or a bat! Yes, this joyful and oftentimes Happy Be-loved needed some lovin’ that only the Lord could provide because what I was looking for was not to be found, at least not in my refrigerator!
This blog is dedicated to all the people, especially my children, that I ever annoyed or hurt by my careless words or behaviors because of my depleted coping mechanisms in trying to be SuperWoman to All! Who am I kidding? Hello…….
Amazingly, because our reactions and attitudes reflect our deep-seeded hurts and emotions rather powerfully which triggers what we crave for comfort and how to go about satisfying that receptor (oooh, and that was said without a breath), I went to my comfort zone (food) because it was the ONLY available relief at that hour in a socially-acceptable manner to try and pacify that part of the brain that needed love and caressing. Potato chips do not find their way in the frig; but since I rarely, if ever, have potato chips in my house, unless the kids are coming for a visit, I was looking for a vegetable to crunch on to satisfy my craving to conquer the anger-bit bug that was chewing on my assets and wreaking havoc all throughout my body like the image above illuminates.
Supposedly, if we are craving chips or something crunchy, it means we have suppressed anger and that emotion is drawing us to seek something crunchy so we can chomp, chomp, chomp! Hello!!!!!!!! Emotional Crunch, Bring It On!!! I was chewing on people faster than PacMan ever did! And here I love Jesus and was waiting for additional services so I could get a head start on ministry matters, so what could possibly be bugging me? I think I would do better being locked up in a straitjacket than anything else right now; but then again, that’s not what God says…….. ♥♥♥
What’s a girl supposed to do when all I have is broccoli, cauliflower and red bell peppers in the frig (at least that crunch)? All that is going to do is give me gas! Oh great, that’s all I need in addition to all this waiting and down time along with the irritation is more blowing power! Gas from that end while spewing out the other end? Somebody needs to gag me with a purple spoon, and seeing the pictures and my gestures on my girlfriend’s phone proved I needed to get on my knees and pray like a mad dog because I was a disaster!
For starters, I pray you have a sense of humor because days like today, well, let’s just say Extra Grace Required wasn’t enough; and every time I looked in the mirror, I was more than mortified to see who stood there mocking my every move. This was a day that even the mirror irritated me! Here I am this “supposedly” beautiful, happy, joyful woman working on my ministry’s Statement of Faith, and with all these irritants, delays and stood-up appointments that left five hours of an unfulfilled schedule still in need of accomplishing, left me acting like the lead actor in a horror film. What am I thinking?
What happens to us, and our witness for that matter, when hundreds of little irritants add up and we’re depleted from trying to kill, destroy, or remove even one little bug when another comes flying by irritating us even more and before we know it, we blow up like Mount St. Helens and destroy everyone in our path, except those little bugs that got us to where we are today? You know those days, when you scream and crack the very mirror before you when really a whole lot isn’t going on except you’re exhausted from life and all its demands and hats us women wear because we forget to take care of ourselves by being still and quiet before the Lord so He can pour into us and refresh our spirits like no other!
Here God is busy telling me to be still and quiet and bask in His love now that I have been obedient, yet I feel this sense of burden burning deep inside of me due to guilt or whatever to keep moving forward when all I’m doing now is spewing venom onto innocent souls that need uplifting, not my ugly! Trust me, my UGLY is ugly and it’s uglier than anything I care to admit. Ask my cable guy! I am not proud of that! I can only share this because I’m humbled, forgiven and know whose I belong to and AM!!! I am an exhausted Sister in Christ who is trying to wear and fulfill the many hats that I feel are required! You know, it’s really okay to just relax, be us and not perform, because if we really think about it, all we’re doing is tarnishing our witness and subjecting our special people to an ugly that is anything but glorifying God!
God loves the woman who puts Him first; not because He is just a jealous God, but because He desires to generously reward those that seek Him and put His kingdom first (Matthew 6:33). He wants to satisfy and pour into our depleted and maxed-out souls. Remember, I’m high maintenance, I require minute-by-minute cleansing and fulfillment. God gives us these beautiful words of wisdom for a reason. I don’t know about you, but I blew it today. I have asked for forgiveness and received it. God has stroked my face, shared with me how much He loves me and repeatedly reminds me, “Beloved, I love you just the way you are! Tomorrow’s another day” (Matthew 6:34). So I pick myself up and continue moving forward knowing I am forgiven. Now I can embrace the evening dedicated just for me through a dinner cooked by another and the big screen playing “Cinderella.” Oh, what a wonderful life! ♥♥♥
Thank you for loving me, Jesus, and showing me that I don’t have to keep performing; and that when I’m obedient and seek Your kingdom first, I know that’s all that is to be expected of me and to let go and be the free and beautiful me! ♥♥♥