Living With Addiction
Strongholds of Shame
Broken Behaviors of Abuse
Day 17 of 40
“What the hell could you possibly have to say that has any merit or even worth listening to?” Those piercing words coming from my husband as I was sharing my excitement and dreams due to the rewards and recognition I was receiving for my hard work still haunt me today through certain triggers tapping into my insecurities.
When exactly was my faith defined and how were my chains of abuse severed that set me free from the bondage of living under the various forms of abuse? The last adulterous affair that proceeded shortly after the above-mentioned comment left me completely devoid of trust and emotion while being stripped down naked, exposing every battle scar ever afflicted upon my being and the very core of being a woman!
The remnants concealed behind my veiled face painted an eerily familiar and devastating silhouette. The tears projecting from the flood gates of my soul permeated the chiffon and organza material that had been beautifully hiding my flaws of imperfection and rejection. Now I was exposed again; this time after giving up EVERYTHING near and dear in search for that perfect Love!
When I walked down the aisle in my beautiful princess wedding dress, like so many Beautiful Beloveds, my rose-colored glasses projected a life through the lens of great expectations and naivety hope filled with nothing but mere promises assuring love and fidelity, along with being cherished and treasured until death do us part.
As my Veil of Shame exposed the deep recesses of despair coming from broken promises, my mind suddenly transitioned to the reflection mirroring the trauma in finding another woman’s undergarments underneath the backseat of my new vehicle that was purchased as a congratulatory gift for passing the state exam flashing before my very eyes?
I sit on the cold kitchen tile feeling defeated and full of dread and shame. Why doesn’t he love me? Everyone says I’m so beautiful and bright, but why is everyone laughing at me again?
The words burning from his lover’s phone call cannot escape the speed in which my blood is being recycled over and over and over again! My heart palpitates, except this time it requires the urgent need of the defibrillator because my tattered and bleeding heart no longer knows how to beat on its own.
The words coming from the man on the other side of the telephone interrupts my plans and reasoning as to why I came home early from work just to get dolled up and surprise my love with another scrumptious meal. His words pulled the rug underneath my very feet leaving me unable to stand, much less deny, the horror from the searing words penetrating through the telephone. My husband was having an affair with another man…
His lover or one-night stand was giddy as he was talking and sharing his joy of union with MY HUSBAND! He even went so far as to say he couldn’t wait to meet me because my husband told his lover that he was living with his neurotic sister. Neurotic? On a lighter note, maybe someone could share with me what scorned women do because that aspect escaped me!
How is a woman supposed to cope with the loss of a lack of sexual union between husband and wife with all the broken promises that were filled with nothing but deceit and lies to cover over a lifestyle of being sexually confused amongst other things?
I am only sharing this tidbit because I know many Beloveds who have for whatever reason lost this beautiful union in their marriages and also women who found out the hard way that their husbands were just not who they said they were because of their lifestyle choices and closet living.
I will share that for years it devastated me and it stripped me of every last blood vessel announcing my beauty and femininity as a woman. I carried the shame, of course, and the blame that it was MY FAULT! That was my go-to resource that superficially kept me going; but after time, when being forced to deal with the suppressed pain underneath the layers of superficiality, it left me feeling anything but beautiful and/or sexy.
Being honest here, even though I know who God says I am now, and I look back and see what “a waste of a beautiful woman” I was (yep, comment came straight from my doctor that added daggers into my lifeless heart as it was), how that didn’t push me back over the edge off the cliff is a testament to being wrapped up in God’s love, healed and sustained by His saving grace found through my reliance and relationship with Him. Waste? Honey, I’m still alive; just saying… ♥♥
My great love affair with the Lord started after this season of betrayal. I love Jesus with my total being, and because I’m speaking the truth here, I may have forgiven my ex-husband for his betrayal in many facets of his life, but I will never forget! I still wish he could have been hung by you know what; just saying… 🙂
When our spouses have affairs on us, it’s hard to move forward, but it can be done through therapy and a whole lot of grace extended down for both parties. Trust is something that has to be earned after such betrayal. My prayers go out towards all the Beautiful Beloveds who have walked in these same shoes; it is painful, but God will mend our broken hearts. He is ALWAYS FAITHFUL and just asks for a little of our time!
Until next time, never forget…
Thank You For Being Beautiful You!