When Hiding Is No Longer An Option
Living With Addiction
Day 24 of 40
The sun had barely risen when you’re abruptly awakened by your pounding heart and shortness of breath. As sweat drips from pores you never knew existed, you eagerly fumble about for that cumbersome set of eyes buried somewhere in the sheets. You tremble with awe and delight as your located glasses are planted firmly on your face. Laughter erupts as you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror! The sight you see is nothing short of memorable! You giggle as you reminisce on how you and Mr. Right danced to “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran in the hospital waiting room. You graciously praise God that you can dream the true desires of your heart again!
Okay, I might not be able to move like that anymore; hence, the reason for the perspiration bath and shortness of breath, but to know that I can dream the true desires of my heart because my Daddy wants to bring them life, makes this girl giddy and free. Oh, I have “huge dreams,” but my dreams are more in line right now with a childlike heart and sense of freedom in being me because I have walked through my past and survived victoriously with my crown still on and playful mindset. I know Whose I am and belong to while being loved on and encouraged to be me.
Music and dance are just a few of my creative outlets that I’ve always found refuge in and safe avenues for expression, but due to the insecurities and bondage that losing my dreams developed, it robbed me of such pleasures! Or did it? Why do we let pleasures and dreams die when life becomes hard and painful? After all, God gave us these desires, so why do we remove or lose what once brought life, vitality and joy?
Exposure breeds freedom! After dancing with the dolphins in Florida with people watching (not all enjoying), I realized just how instrumental music and dance were and an integral part of my daily makeup. With tomorrow never being guaranteed, I don’t care how old and broken I am, it is time to pick up that violin again and start dancing. There’s a little girl in every woman’s body just waiting to be set free!
When our lives are absent of chaos, busyness, abuse, control or addiction that has covered and driven our life choices and behaviors, we realize how powerful the freedom is in being ourselves, loved and acknowledged. Oh, and the severance that others used to manipulate and control our stifled voices is powerful and explosive. Now I know what being still is all about; peace and freedom to proudly be me!
When the Lord tells us to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10), many of us just plow right through that scripture without much thought because how could any of us be still longer than five minutes in prayer and meditation and expect miracles to occur? I mean, I know I say I’m high maintenance when it comes to clinging to my Lord and sitting at His feet often so my perceptions and reactions don’t wipe out the universe when anger, judgment, rejection, anxiety, exhaustion, and depression sets in, but what does “being still” really mean?
Welcome to the front yard of my sabbatical space at the beautiful beaches in Bradenton Beach, Florida. Initially what started out as being uncomfortable, because who wants to have nothing on their agenda except to roll out of bed right onto the white sandy beaches each and every day, turned into the most beautiful cleansing experience one could ever imagine! This was my view every day for almost a month. Rough, huh?
There were moments of pain so give me a break! When you had to turn down that tall, dark drink of water because you already had a date to dance with the dolphins (confirmation of a fleece) or the moment you realized your toosh resembled more of the pomegranate you were eating and you could not sit down! And I did not want to shower with vinegar; thank you very much! That’s real attractive!!!
Why was the beach calling me home? Being in a foreign place all by yourself with nothing to do except to be still, quiet, and listen to the Lord’s majestic tones of crashing waves and the harmony of the birds’ Acapella, you understand just how wide and deep the Lord’s love is (Ephesians 3:17-19).
The awe in watching God magnificently paint every sunset to match my mood just to show off enabled me the freedom to just be and dance with my new amazing friends and my dolphins. You can’t help but hear and listen to the beautiful orchestration that the Lord is rejoicing and serenading over your life (Zephaniah 3:17). You matter!
Most of my abrupt sabbatical I had no control over. I will share it was a welcomed period because “hearing” what I was writing as I was reliving some of the horror from my past as I tackled this challenge made me realize being vulnerable and transparent unleashed suppressed rejection strongholds that were buried deep underneath the scar tissue. My head was above water, but my heart was still drowning in pain.
What are you dreaming about? One thing is certain, we all matter and belong! We need each other to accomplish our dreams and walk through the perils of living with addiction and abuse. When we become no longer fearful of our naked selves, sharing our stories and hurts is when we begin to truly heal and dare to live the lives that God designed us to have. Being still also positions us to be used by God to help others safely walk through their own struggles.
I understand now what being still in His presence means; being present and available. I’m still on sabbatical, but will you dance with me?
Until next time…
Thank You For Being Beautiful You!