Denial versus Reality
A Mother’s Grieving Heart
Day 25 of 40
Almost half the day had elapsed before the choking awakened the corpse gasping for breath. As I struggled to get up to entice my comatose body to naturally react with a deep breath, the tickle stuck between my swollen tonsils grabbed ahold of the air bubbles just enough to satisfy the depleted oxygen. Upon arousal, the air bubbles trudged wearily ahead through what seemed like a mirage from the lungs of a heavy smoker. The coughing hurt and it needed to be stilled. As I grabbed the glass of water to soothe my parchment, the time on the clock reflected 11:38 a.m.
Once the quieting was accomplished with the ahem, the normal rhythm of consistency transpired. What is the first thing a person does the moment their eyes peel open in this technological-dependent era? Yep, grab their cell phones! Though my vision was greatly impaired due to illness, what my eyes saw quickly jolted this woman into crisis mode: Seven missed calls, twenty-three text messages, and twelve instant messenger messages, and it wasn’t even noontime.
My heart quickly reacted by viewing the senders of the numerous messages. I saw that many were mainly sprinklings of love sustaining me through this sickness to which I exhaled with praises to God for the outpouring of love. But almost simultaneously, a knot developed in my throat restricting the natural flow due to the sender of several messages; my son’s girlfriend.
Receiving messages from your son’s girlfriend shouldn’t warrant the anxiety and fear that this mama felt. Sadly, this relationship was strained due to unhealthy behaviors and lacking the understanding and respect to agree to disagree. When there was communication, it required a whole lot of grace and mercy to endure. This mama’s heart was usually willing and able with this tribe, but with healthy boundaries. My tender heart believes with God’s Love that we can and will conquer villages, especially those filled with broken peeps! The text message was something like:
Tammy please call me, very urgent.
It is regarding your son.
My mind immediately flashed back to this time a year ago. With lightening speed, someone who was once vital and healthy spent a period of another year living in and out of hospitals. There is nothing worse than watching your child suffer with a disease that is not only debilitating, but uncontrollable and life threatening. There were days, weeks, even months when I thought the Lord was going to heal my son by taking him home to heaven like his father.
Without notice, the floodgates of tears opened wide and started pouring down my cheeks. Once shock mode took back seat, I frantically scurried about trying to listen to my phone messages. The messages quickly dressed my heart with chaplain armor and prayer; equipping me with radar speed to hear the dreaded words that I thought I would never hear.
My heart solemnly reiterates, how could this be when I praise God daily that “as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:14)? The kryptonite explosion from those painful words immediately stripped me of my Super Hero Mommy outfit and left me naked and exposed.
This is where we fall to our knees into disbelief. Reality versus Denial! Denial is easier because reality hurts like hell. Without your Super Hero Mommy Outfit, all that is left is a puddle of tears, remorse, fear, shame, guilt, d-e-n-i-a-l!!! Where’s your crown and royal blood when you’re hanging over the toilet? The news is way too painful to handle so you scream… You inhale and scream some more… You exhale while your heart explodes and you fall on your knees exclaiming…
Really, God? This is how you’re going to bring about healing and restoration? Where’s the HOPE in that deliverance?
Many emotions occupy my bad neighborhood (mindset) while controlling my weak, overwhelmed and burdened persona. The daunting and torturing flaming arrows that relentlessly attack my armor quickly demand that because of this destructive event, I should cease my love and trust in the Lord all because my son made an exceedingly bad judgment call reacting that hurt others that will forever effect the rest of his life due to the subsequent repercussions.
Hurt people hurt others and anger is as much a part of mental illness as depression and living with addiction is. Generational strongholds rear their ugly heads! All eyes and judgment may lean on us mamas, but we must never lose sight during these times because of what Romans 8:1 says, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”
Our sons and daughters need love and support and encouragement to face the consequences of their bad decisions. This is never the time to turn our backs, no matter what anyone says. Isn’t that what the Lord calls all of us to do; forgive others just as we have been forgiven? We don’t forget, but we can still love. Love conquers all.
I know many mamas out there who are hurting right alongside of me and somehow or another claim and hold onto the guilt of what their children have done. Seriously, we cannot carry the burden of our children’s conduct and decisions. Jesus already suffered the consequences of those sins to set us free. Let’s utilize that wasted time and energy beating ourselves up by devoting it to prayer and remembering we’re not to grieve with shame; that “the joy of the Lord will be our strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).
Let’s unite with love, support and encourage our children to be the amazing individuals God designed them to be while walking alongside of them remembering the battle belongs to the Lord (2 Chronicles 20:15) and that God is the author of their lives and is writing their testimony, no matter how painful it is.
Until next time…
♥ Thank You For Being Beautiful & Amazing You ♥