Living With Addiction

Strongholds of Broken Behaviors

Mother of Magnificent

Day 26 of 40

Ticktock… ticktock… ticktock…  You know that relentless sound of time creating nuisance where you bury your head beneath the smothering pillow and the only thing it suffocates is your very own breath?  The sounds from the annoying clock marrying your erratic heartbeat threatens to blow out more than your eardrums.  You can’t breathe, you can’t sleep or think, and most of all, you can’t handle the noise or the speed of the world as it hones in for the kill!  How do we tell the world to stop existing and leave us alone as we grieve and process our own sorrows?

Death…  Death of Expectations…  Death of Identity…  Death of Perceptions…  D-E-A-T-H is really nothing more than the pathetic plea and damaging acronym I dared to reason with in what my family is experiencing right now:  Destruction Evolves Around The Hate!  Even the amazing Word of God briefly talks about the damaging effects of hate for good reason, not to mention why Love Himself might hate.  For an understanding on why “God hates,” check out Proverbs 6:16-19.

Hate to me is synonymous with death.  It destroys everyone in its path.  It causes bitterness and allows rage to take over and infect everyone in its tracks.  Hate bulldozes the strong like the plague.  Hate surfaces jealousy and insecurities.  It allows comparison.  It breeds division and promotes injustice.  Hate causes war!  The silent killer like cancer.  Hate oftentimes causes death without warning!

I don’t want to be that roaring lion shaking everything and everyone in a couple-mile radius.  I want to be that beautiful, loving lioness in the picture below who pulls others and her cubs out of trouble by releasing them where they should be; in their den (community) being loved on, close by and protected!  When this mama thinks of her cubs, though they’re grown men with their own families, I still lean on the fact that I’m a Mother of Mayhem, Mother of Memories, but mainly a Mother of Magnificent!  I have been blessed with strong, intelligent, and successful children that the Lord allowed me to be Manager of Many over.  But when that one extra-grace-required child finds himself in the misery of mayhem, the destruction and bite almost paralyzes this mama’s heart.  Can you relate? 

Nowadays, being honest here, I am experiencing the effects of being paralyzed with much fear and disbelief, and only functioning because of the grace and mercy of God who is the author and deliverer of this Mother of Magnificent’s cub.  This is helping me cling to His promises written in my love letter, the Holy Bible, stating He will never forsake or leave us (Deuteronomy 31:6-8), no matter what we’ve done!  The havoc from the breaking hearts doesn’t just exist within our own souls, but that connection we have with that cub; whether they’re fifty or ten!  It speaks to the very core of the lioness sitting back and letting her child make these mistakes with any and all subsequent repercussions in order to learn and grow from as others take charge of him.

Zach Williams’ song entitled “Chain Breaker” speaks to my heart and empowers me with hope by reminding me that “If you’ve got pain, He’s a pain-taker; if you feel lost, He’s a way-maker; if you need freedom or saving, He’s a prison-shaking Savior, if you’ve got chains, He’s a chain breaker.”  Girlfriends, we can’t give up and let the lies of the enemy spewing guilt and shame defeat us!  We have to join hands by sharing through transparency our deepest hurts so we don’t ever give up and claim freedom!  There’s hope just waiting to be released because there is no shame in our game; Jesus is His Name!

So many of us are full of sorrow, trials, confusion, betrayal, pain and exhaustion.  We need each other for a reason.  Don’t hide behind your walls of shame and insecurities.  Get out there and share!  When we share our hurts with others, it releases the key that unlocks the hope and peace for sustainment and victory.

This mama’s heart is hurting.  I mean, I’m like other mamas and grandmas, I already had my life and children’s and grandchildren’s script written out to perfection.  Though I knew there would be tears shed, hearts broken, and agreements to disagree, I can actually say I never thought seconds of my life would involve tragedy caused at the hands of my own child, especially coming from the one who has a heart full of compassion. 

I am finding out very quickly that oftentimes those of us who are filled with compassion have had great suffering combined with betrayal, along with abandonment and rejection that reared its ugly head somewhere throughout our lives.  Sound familiar?

What happens when the bleeding heart can no longer tolerate the strength from the taunting jeers that has been suppressed?  Sadly, I am finding out that when you haven’t exactly worked through your own fears and hurts, also known as heartbreaking anger, that compassionate heart quickly gets wiped out to what evolves as Hurricane Aggression destroying everyone in its path.  Can you relate?  I know I sure can.

Until next time…

Thank You For Being Beautiful You!