My Heart Bleeds

My heart bleeds…  When you ignore and don’t see me.  My heart bleeds…  When you say you love me and yet look right through me.  My heart bleeds…  When I don’t feel accepted because of my needs.  My heart bleeds…  When you turn your back on me.  My heart bleeds…  When you say you don’t need me!

My Lord Holds My Heart

After pulling myself out of my car exhausted, praying that the Lord would fill me up with strength and love, I dragged myself into the welcoming area.  Every step was riddled with physical pain, but the lack of any acknowledgement or greeting of my mere presence ushered in a deep sense of loss and rejection which cut right through to the very core of my being.  Here I’m generally the one welcoming and loving on others wherever I go, but today the only image I saw was the turning of backs.

My heart sank with rejection which made me want to run and hide.  Better yet, it prompted me to visit my bad neighborhood filled with triggers that were rearing their ugly heads.  My mind was filled with scenarios like, Do I smell like B.O.?  Do I have precarious toilet paper hanging in the wind and no one can look at me without laughing?  I could live with that!  Worse yet, what is so repulsive about me, my mere presence, that would trigger people to turn their backs on me?  Great, now this forced meltdown is causing Hoover Dam to burst from my tear ducts!

To make things worse, right before my heart leaped from my chest in despair, I noticed five known leaders who were huddled together in a corner watching my every step.  The closer I got to them, the quicker they all turned their backs on me to face the door.  Now mind you, when all backs simultaneously turn in the opposite direction, it doesn’t take Einstein to figure out that the consolation and acknowledgement I craved today was going to stay unmet; or was it?

I am so grateful for our Great Counselor that John 14:26-27 (MSG) talks about because when four of the five backs turned against me, it threw a dagger deep into my heart that made me want to do an about face and run like the wind on that cold and stormy day!  Their disregard felt more like the arctic blast.  I resolved to pull up my big girl panties and wipe my tears as I felt peace warming my heart and hearing, “I see you, Beautiful.”  I remembered the meaning and intention behind John 14:27, “I don’t leave you the way you’re used to being left—feeling abandoned, bereft.  So don’t be upset. Don’t be distraught.” 

That’s when the Holy Spirit reminded me how my Lord Himself experienced this great pain just so He could relate, engage and identify with our sufferings.  The Spirit helps us walk through these painful encounters bravely because we’re so wrapped in His Love and know where our worth and value come from.  That’s affirmation!  Jesus often says, Beloved, My heart bleeds when you ignore me.  My heart bleeds when you turn your back on me.  My heart bleeds when you say you don’t need me.  My heart bleeds when you don’t accept and love me.  My heart bleeds when you don’t believe in me. 

My goodness, had it not been for the Holy Spirit’s comfort and tugging, I would have succumbed to the pain afflicted from the flaming arrows and emotional darts that penetrated my armor.  We all get dressed more often than not without our armor on or even with our breastplates on backwards.  This leaves our hearts vulnerable to the seat of our emotions and self-worth exposed. Without knowing the love and pursuit of our Lord, defeat would strip any confident beloved!

I don’t know about you, even though I’m jovial, I don’t always remember that I have royal blood, crowned with favor, am pursued and chosen while always being unconditionally loved.  I am surrounded by a community where my stink and scarred and beat-up presence journeying this side of heaven is welcomed and supported, knowing my exposed back is covered.  I need to know I am accepted when I don’t feel beautiful.  I need to be able to cry and receive a hug and shoulder without judgment by those I do life with.  I need to be able to bleed right there while my peeps come in close, not afraid to weave love and support through every stitch until the bleeding stops.  That’s the meaning of a heartfelt community and one that Jesus offers!

Remember the words of our Jesus:  My heart bleeds when you don’t trust me (John 14:6-12).  My heart bleeds when you ask for help and refuse to believe (1 Cor. 2:9).  My heart bleeds when you feel you’re not beautiful and I created you as my masterpiece (Eph. 2:10).  My heart bleeds when you say you’re afraid and lonely, yet you forget to grab ahold of my hand as we sojourn together (Isaiah 41:10-13).  My heart bleeds when you believe your worth is of no value and yet I died for you (John 3:16-18).  My heart bleeds when you know nothing of me (1 John 4:7-21).     

Most Importantly,

My Heart Bleeds When You Say

You Don’t Need Me!

Until next time…